seizing my brain like it's bursting blood vessels in it
so you have a flair for writing, so you want to write a book, so you want to be famous, so everybody wants to know your name.

it always sucks you in, keep trying to one-up the previous guy. even better if you're a woman, one more thing to fight in the name of feminism. one more notch for the ever going gender wars, it never ends, girls just want to be on top.

and its an affair with the devil, we all want to sell our souls to gain this life, and we want to snatch it back from the jaws of death. we have dealings with the afterlife, where money isn't the currency of the day. oh, we know wot we want, and you're not getting any.

and i supposed we're reminded of representative things. issues we've never let go off, swept under the rug. they plague us in feverish dreams and haunt us every waking hour. in the arctic cold we try to forget, but the piercing frost-bitten lips remind us of the cold harsh kisses we used to have. how we would flirt with fame and fortune, how we would tease with power and money.

shoot me twice and make shure i die from it.

it gets chilly in the wintertime
well, i suppose that is pretty obvious. but it gets so numbing so often. perhaps i should get out more. hurmmm.. that is a pretty good idea somewhat, perhaps i shall later on. enough mulling on my lazy arse for the time being.

anyhows, i was just watching two music videos by lindsay lohan and hillary duff and immediately thought of madonna. now there's a woman who has really attained some sort of standard in the industry, and really made an impact in it. i doubt these young'uns will have the longevity and re-inventiveness of madonna herself, so should they be prepared for fade outs in a few years time? you may not like her music, but you shure have to respect her method of performing music.

and i gotta get something out of my way for now. i've been contemplating this for a bit of time, because as you know, we at harmless?bananas! like to self-censor. to be a responsible writer, and not jump on every public circus event just to add in your two cents worth, and that's all it's really worth, two cents.

reading blogs has been disheartening to me of late. few people have the wit of yongfook, the intelligence of popagandhi and still.. everyone's trying to write in such a way that impresses. i dunno, mebbe it's just me judging to harshly or a little bit jealous. who cares? anyhow, i shure am thankful for the readership here, blogging's not just about me typing yibberish out for you to read. i'd like to think its just a public broadcast system where i have the means to expound abit on certain ideas, and with a comments system, you're always welcomed to interact with the authour and any other readers.

so yes, it gets disheartening, reading about people bitching about people (which can be argued that i am doing now.. oh how self-righteous and moralistic i'm getting now.. can almost see the glint in the eyes of murderous intent), or the if you don't like wot you're reading than fuck off!!! sorta bull-crap. thank you very much, i will. ah well.. it's just silly things going thru my mind, simply because.. alotta people seem to be making such a big hoo-ha about blog, and blog celebreties, that it makes no sense. for those of us who have been typing faithfully before the big ka-boom, our natural reaction would be something like "huh? wot the..? oh well, it's always been around i suppose.. back to real life."

so yes, blog celebrities is a pretty new phenomena. i have refrained from speaking about it till now, but i suppose one can't deny the waves it's making.

this song
it can certainly get mind numbing at times. you wake up, do your normal duties, some form of deviation from schedule takes over, and then you're back here doing it all over again. *sigh* i guess it's just because i'm tired. actually, just came back from helping to point a camera at my church's high school ministry's outreach this evening. it was awesome really, so many salvations. as jade would put it, the God work itself. when things just go according to his will, because there's nothing more we can do anymore.

and yeahh.. just let me give in to my tiredness, and allow me my every whim and fancy of bad lacklustre writing.

disaster awaits both you and i
i've been reading the book of job these past few days, and i don't really understand everything in it. basically, job's friends always seem to say things that make sense, about how great God is and how we are good that we will be blessed and that if we are doing bad things, we will be punished.

if anything, job's friend always insinuate that job has done something horrible and deserves to be punished. job maintains his innocence, and goes as far to say that he has been wronged by God. and though he accepts that he is but a mere mortal subject to God's every whim and fancy, he questions to no end, why he is being treated unjustly.

to somewhat, complain unto God, and perhaps give in to all our emotions and ask God why he is unjust to us, and that he should give you an answer for your trials. wow, that's a pretty bold step to take. was having difficulty understanding the reading.

my mom calls me up, and we talk a little about it. i talk about how i'm reading job and i seem to be missing the point. wot she points out, really turns my head. i guess, as opposed to job's three friends, job was the one being honest about his feelings, even in utter despairity. if you're in the shite, then tell God you're in the shite. don't go painting pretty pictures about how great and almighty God is, and if he so wills this in your life, then you will submit to him and all that. there's a time and place for everything as we learn in ecclesiastes, and when its time for mourning and hurting, really tell God how you feel, how unfairly treated you've been, and wrestle with him for an answer. in some sense, how desperate are you to wait on the Lord to give you an answer. that you don't just lapse back into the way you think God works, wants to work, wot he wants to listen to. in essence, don't talk to God, the way you imagine him to be. let him reveal his true nature to you, and act accordingly. in this regard, it really pushes you to strive to find out the character of God and know him in your heart.

in the end, we remember that God never struck job, and jobremained faithful always. ecclesiastes 7:20 reminds us : there is not a righteous man on earth who does what is right and never sins. so we remember that we cannot kiss the feet of our Lord to buy our way into heaven, we trust in his promise of salvation by believing that Jesus died for our sins.

i want to believe that something is out there
still here, just in case anyone is wondering. just don't know wot i should say these days, but no worries.. the dry spells are usually a prelude to the drenching of the rain, as it washes all away.

the next step in human evolution
sometimes the sheer blank spaces of things scare you. there you are faced with the insumountable task of filling up something that is empty, with an essence of yourself. it is new ground, unchartered territory, would you blame us for feeling afraid? wot's more, once a blank space has been filled up, it starts being vulnerable, drawing all sorts of judgements and criticisms upon itself. and so, sometimes we guard against these feelings by putting up walls to protect our essence. we steer the audience the wrong way, tell them wot they want to hear, so that they will not judge you for who you are. but in creating those walls, to protect yourself, you have actually created a prison for your essence. perhaps the most honest work, are the ones that recieve the harshest and most numerous of criticisms, as well as accolades.

you see, art has no real meaning if it doesn't elicit some sort of a response from whover communicates with it.

and if you agree or disagree, then my statement would have achieved its purpose. exploring new ground is scary, but it can also be exciting, lest we venture into the unknown, into paths less travelled. fear grips us so tightly like a paralysing drug, but it also has no real hold over the redeemed.

velocity
under control
i've got it all under control
it's brimming to the top
it ain't gonna blow
because i'm here
and it's going to be alright
till it spills
out of your ears into hazardous progressions
everything is everywhere
but we've got it under control
who's in charge?
it's not gonna blow
it's not gonna blow
this sense of urgency will pass
nothing to get excited about
it's under control
don't panic
don't fret
it'll pass you by
just you wait and see
you'd better believe it
it's brimming and spilling
but it'll never reach the ground
keep it under control
keep it under wraps
no one has to know
you've got everything under control.

there is no easy way out
we are afraid of other people judging us, because we judge others as well. it's only natural that we second guess other people when we know wot we ourselves are capable of. just a thought, 'lest i be judged as well.

last day in spore.

play the rhythmn, have it dance for you, for your pleasure
because all i have to offer are words, they're all i have left. take them away, and i guess you're left with nothing. because all we ever shared were words, mere words that i could say to you. and if that didn't mean anything, then i'm sorry for not having been there for you.

you know, i don't really felt that were about anything in particular, but i just felt like articulating something. create a mood, create some tension. rock the freakin' boat. because if you're stuck out there in the ocean all by yourself, you'd drift nowhere in particular if you're headed without anyplace in sight.

life's full of cliches, life's too complicated, life is full of things that shouldn't need to require so much of our attention, life's also full of responsibilities we have to fulfil. and somehow, i'm still stuck here caught in the middle of it, just as everyone and everything whizzes by me in lines of bluriness.

and then we go make a short video of it all.

somehow, i feel that slowly, and more afraidly, i'm losing my voice in this madness consuming world. that the only way to be heard is to be madder than it. but madness appeals to me more, than rigid sanity. we'll see things they'll never see. appeal, well, living your life for appeal doesn't really justify much too. but for some of us, perhaps its the only way we know how to stay alive. and then, the reason to stay alive is another story altogether.

we'll tell you stories. because words are all i have left.

because far below, i can see the reflection on the water, but beneath the surface, all sorts of life is teeming in violent survival.
a decent days work for a decent day's wages. ahhh.. if only life were that simple. i guess it isn't. well, you know how it is with faith, and you believe that God is in control. but do you still believe when things really start spinning out of control? i guess the question that beckons, is where your faith is when the shite really hits the fan. all those prayers that you prayed for people who were going thru tough times, do you believe them right now when you own life smells like shite? because, if you don't believe it, you gotta pick yourself up. and sometimes, just maybe sometimes, we really are so far down the line that we can rescue ourselves, we can't pick ourselves up anymore, and when you're really lying there, bleeding from the gut and your knee caps have been blown off, your shoulder's been torn to shreds, and your eyeballs are fully ripped from your sockets, that you begin to wonder, do i need a miracle?

which is easier: to say, 'Your sins are forgiven,' or to say, 'Get up and walk'? But so that you may know that the Son of Man has authority on earth to forgive sins..." Then he said to the paralytic, "Get up, take your mat and go home." And the man got up and went home. When the crowd saw this, they were filled with awe; and they praised God, who had given such authority to men.

Matthew 9:5-8

i suppose God understands that while salvation is all we need, he is still the one, who will come through for us in this lifetime, till the time we are called back to him. even though we fear not death, because he has overcome the ultimatum of death, sometimes we lose sight of the end, and we begin to fear life. or take life, a little too easily. he can come through for you, he will come through for you if you allow him to, if you allow him to undo your mistakes, or as they say, forgive your sins.

God is control, but perhaps life isn't that simple. i'm starting to relearn that, God has allowed me to appreciate the simple things in life, the essence of love in the family amongst real friends, or in the things of communing alone with God himself, the pleasures of crafting a tune, and offering unto God. but i suppose as with our lot on this earth, it's not always about that. we've got bills to pay, responsibilities to fulfil, and 'lest we run away from them to pursue God (whom we have reduced to a god by the things we've made it out to be), when it is our lot, our talents, then we'd better not bury them into the ground.

just to find me
before you think i've wondered off to some far-off continent (appealing as it may be), i'm really still here. just so busy with work, and coming home for a shower, only to go out again. physically, i'm so so tired, but i just had to let you know so that you'll keep reading. if you really must know, i met shaun, lyndon, jonathan and tat yang today, and all is well. i suppose. -)

sing the reprise of respite
love love love, such a beautiful thing. not for you and not for me. somehow don't lie for all its worth and stood up for. this gracious fragile gift, of love on high to you and me.

working in the yard has been pretty rewarding thus far. i'm colleagues with a dear friend of mine, thomas, and while we work in different departments, having someone for lunch to just hang out, and leave work together, these are the simple gifts that shine in our complicated lives. i'm having a pretty good time, just being around different people from all walks of life, and while it's my middle-class syndrome that sees a certain "romanticism" in the common people, the other truth of the matter is that, all of us are loved by God, and he died for us all, rich or poor, weak or strong, intelligent or dull, he died for us all. so long as we are humble enough to know we need redemption, and not be from some elite society that has risen above the grace of God, or rather, attempt to rise above the grace of God. our tower of Babel is erected pretty high these days, but God chooses the foolish things of the world to shame the wise.

i wanna live like common people
i wanna do wotever common people do
wanna sleep with common people
wanna sleep with, common people
like you
and wot else could i do?

- common people, pulp

and thus, i can finally rest my eyes in peace. -)

keep fighting
all i wanna say, is that we were meant to fight and live on. where does our source of courage come from in the face of unrelenting danger, unsurpassing uncertainty. probably and most likely from the one who has overcome them all.

For you did not recieve a spirit that makes you a slave again to fear, but you recieved the Spirit of sonship, and by him we cry "Abba, Father." The Spirit himself testifies that we are God's children. Now if we are his children, then we are heirs- heirs of God and co-heirs with Christ. if indeed we share in his sufferings in order that we may also share in his glory.

Romans 8:15-17

modus operandi
dreams don't exist anymore. your house, your car, your family, your posessions, your status, your acclaims and your mistakes. dreams don't exist anymore, the startling reality is that we escape into them, that they will not make your existence justified, and will not validate your existence. that once you achieve it all, what next? and if you live in the safety of those dreams, is there something that still haunts you deep within your spirit, there where does it all go from here, wot next? wot if i wake up tomorrow?

live out your dreams, live out the utter banality of your ego that validates your worthless existence, and be very afraid that we are all alone in this forsaken world.

and then, you might just see a glimmer of God. in the most unforseen places, because with our natural eyes he does not reveal himself to. live long enough to find him, and for him to find you.

for the certain curtains
a man needs a certain kind of strength to face our world. his eyes see things he shouldn't, and his hands do things he musn't. still he does, and his strength leaves him. the more thought we give it, the more it saps us till there isn't any left, and we are left defeated and spent.

in the midst of the national kidney foundation scandal, where it's CEO is accused of using donations for his own personal expenditure, a thought just burst its way into my mind.

i guess the actions of the CEO could reflect the condition of our human heart. would any of us have done the same? would any of us, have actually absconded with the money ourselves, and try to hide the fact that we used public donations for our comfort? quite contrary, it is because of our moralistic nature that we condemn such a man for such a heinous act. such an unspeakable act, but the thing is that, he reflects our desires as well, and we are just as guilty of it as him, or can be as guilty as him. and we cower behind the safety of our moralistic selves, because we are unable to face the condition of our human heart, that our flesh is weak and our spirits are in a desperate need for salvation.

are we any better?

dear Lord, you really need to rescue this world from the madness that we have created to surround ourselves, because we are afraid of your holiness and have created walls around ourselves, pretending to be good.

being there for one another
is it thursday already? wow, time seems to fly by so fast sometimes..

darker days and stronger love
there seems to be a growing black coming from the inside out. as the gathering storm mounts against the open heart, how should the air be breathed? so still, stillness before the storm, if it doesn't move, we don't breathe. we hold our breaths in eager anticipation, where is our emancipation?

when sometimes i feel so alone, but i'm not the only one.

expirey dates
"of us all, he understood most about the world. about people. about society and what's happening to it.

things everyone knows in the gut. things everyone too scared to face, too polite to talk about.

he understood.

understood man's capacity for horrors and never quit. saw the world's black underbelly and never surrendered.

once a man has seen, he can never turn his back on it. never pretend it doesn't exist.

no matter who orders him to look the other way.

we do not do this thing because it is permitted. we do it because we have to.

we do it because we are compelled."

- rorschach, watchmen issue vi

am constantly reading and re-reading this amazing graphic novel, and being bowled over by the magnitude of their commentries and uncompromising paint-it-as-it-is kind of quotes. if you find some way to get your hands on this read, you will only be doing yourself a favour.

the strangest groove through a looking glass
i am pretty much starved right now. i don't know why, its like lunch had almost no effect on me today, good as it may be. (beer + seafood combo). so, i havent exactly written about wot i've been doing in spore of late. well, just pumping up with the local delicacies, meeting up with friends, hit the clubs, jammed a bit, playing DotA, hanging with the family as well. all the things that i guess i do around here.

will be starting some part time work on monday, so i'm quite glad with those, feel less guilty bumming now.

also got myself the new jamiroquai album as well, pretty much grooving to that now. makes me wanna be a better bass player. and a better song arranger. the more i immerse myself in this medium, the more it seems to inspire me.

and so, there it goes, whenever im here, there seems to be closure, the familiar air of wot life could be. but then again, i am already missing the excitement of walking the untrodden path in perth, something which i feel is lacking in spore. down here, i just need something new and exciting.

we'll work it out.

from here who knows when?
I've been looking so long at these pictures of you
That I almost believe that they're real
I've been living so long with my pictures of you
That I almost believe that the pictures are
All I can feel

pictures of you, the cure

ironic that the cure to it all is more gloom and doom. perhaps there isn't a cure at all, we are all just mindlessly spiraling down toward an infinte chasm that forever traps us.

or there is salvation, glory and righteousness in our Lord and saviour Jesus Christ.

i've been re-reading the watchmen again, an amazing graphic novel by the way. there is both utter nihilism and belief in humanity all at once. it celebrates both the pure miracle of human existence, as well as the depths of a fallen being that knows no depth.

once you've seen the dark underbelly of the world, you cannot pretend it isn't there.

this world isn't a pretty place, and as christians, we're not living in some sort of lala land fantasy. this world probably couldn't become a better place to live in no matter how hard we try. if this place is to be a better place, it's up to God, not us. but y'see, the lifestyle of christianity and walking in salvation's loving embrace means that we are in the world but not of the world, because Jesus has already conqured the world. we do good and make it a better place, not because we have to, but because we are compelled to. which of you as a christian can say that because this world is headed toward the downward spiral, we can just walk past our neighbour who's been hurt, and pretend that it isn't there? but of course, let he who is without sin cast the first stone.

a bit more revelation, a bit more freedom, a bit more surrender to the only force that is worth worshiping for.

retching my soul out
last night was ridiculous fun, but i'll hate vodka and redbull with a vengence.

sojurn of the stars
this is a great read on the great divide in the digital realm, starring two juggernauts: 35mm film and the digital camera. spelling aficianandos and all alike, please read if only for art's sake, or catharsis's beckoning. *shrug*

reminds me of why i'm drawn more to acoustic instruments and post-apocalyptic music. perhaps i shall comment on that soon.

fantastic wells of joy in the sky
our society doesn't particularly place good morals in high esteem, favouring success and its by-products more so. your family perhaps has a higher chance of seeing you, and appreciating you as a good person more than a successful high-flyer. but i suppose in the cooporate world, with the dog eat dog mentality, its harder to stand your ground.

of course we're being really flat out here, i've been told of bosses who still conduct morning prayer meetings, and christians who are uncompromising on their faith despite the pressures not to, who honour God before all else, and God rewards them for it.

i suppose the key is honouring God and not just being a christian. then your actions stem from a worship unto God, and not just seen as some mindless action your church has brainwashed you with.

was thinking of taking the easy way out by thinking of working for non-profit organisations. easy way out in the sense that, we are offering some sort of "morally upright" service. i'm defintely not saying that NGOs are an easy way out, just that perhaps relative to me, it might be. because i don't wanna be dis-enfranchised and so i take the more moral of the routes. i don't wanna constantly stand up for my beliefs , so i take that route.

but if i did take that route, i'd have to rely on God so much more perhaps, and to God be more glory perhaps. Hallelujiah. haha, thanks to a sister who always talks the flipside to you *grin*

of course, if say, i could use my talents in an NGO, it could also bring God glory, no questions asked. i guess he will use any of use in any situation so long as we rely on him. there's no hard and fast route to leading a morally satisfying life, and even leading a morally satisfying isn't the answer.

was just talking to my mom yesterday, and praise God for the revelations given to both of us over the course of life. transient life, rewards neither the morally upright or scum. this life is about the war between salvation and condemnation. for great justice.

if God is a god of love, why does he condemn those that don't believe in him? because he is also a God of justice, and in his infinte justice, he has to condemn those that don't believe in him, just because it is his nature. but the love has extended his offer of salvation, ever since man fell, the salvation has already been in the works, he already offered a way back to him. God has to have infinite justice, so that he will not be swayed by the corrupt persuassions of man, so that righteousness can only come thru him alone and not by our good works. and that is why he is God and we are men.

"I am the way, the truth and the life. No one comes to the Father except through me." John 14:6

do your bid for science

but what does it all mean?
we all live somewhere along self-justification. we find meaning in validating ourselves, proving our self-worth, our uniqueness, our supremeness that we can all be God. but i guess not, strip away our accolades, success, failures, friends, family, religion, wot are you left with? probably nothing. don't take my word for it, deconstruct it and have a go. how much of your self-worth is constructed? if we're living for validation, who validates us? and when that person validates you, how much does it mean?

God's the one that validates me, and as a higher being, that's good enough validation for me, that i do not know the reasons of God. and that with this transient life, it doesn't matter whether i get thru life understanding how the detailed gears in life work, because doing God's work is more important than that.

and if we believe things in such a fervor that we appear fanatical and silly for it, all the more, all the better. because we are so shure, in the ways of God. there will be those from the outside who look in, and laugh at the 'imposed rules' and 'lack of freedom' from trying to lead a holy life. and to not be self-rightous, we are all still working our salvation out. but everybody goes thru life believing in something. whether we retreat into nothingness, back to the earth they say, or there is an afterlife, we believe in something. and we have faith in it, whether we can see it or not.

if energy cannot be created or destroyed, but must be transferred from one form to another, then how can we be birthed from nothing, and then go back into nothingness? but rather, if we were birthed from something, then our energies still exist somewhere. just another point to believe that perhaps there is an afterlife. and work out, just wot this current life is for.

coming back to spore has been good for me. i guess i do miss this place, if i were to start a new life somewhere else, i feel somewhat bad for turning my back on the folk here. but i also feel somewhat bad for turning my back on the folk in perth. ultimately, i don't really know wot i want, and i'm having to learn how to grow up now. live on folks, grow old long after i die. and if possible, die with a smile on your face. -)

finding out about heaven
hey folks, i'll be back in spore from tonight onwards for about three weeks. well, just so you know!

the surge of lightning and photochemicals
if i could paint you the days of the week, the pictures of our suns, something worth fighting for. just constructing out of this whiteness, some power of creation fills our void. we are nothing filling up with big talk, something to show for it, nothing to love by it.

one snapshot in an infinite frame, never-ending possibilities and it scares me. i fear our future as the mobs of our time lynch us for me, taking more from us than we can afford to give. save some for yourself, there's almost none left. learn to live out of nothing, and lose it all to gain it all.

poetry wasn't designed for anything but catharsis, and even that so has its limitations. i want to paint you pictures of words, but no one would know wot it meant. we'd tell the world but the world caves in around us. we're bound together more than we know it or would confess. no-one would want to bear our sins. isn't that all we ever wanted, some sort of redemption, who wouldn't hold it aganist us.

bless us from within, save us from this, my only prayer.

i don't know why my bin so suay
well, something incredibly retarded has happened to me today. was at garden city, and about to drive back with daryl when i stepped on my clutch and there was this snapping sound. immediately my foot followed thru all the way and the portion beneath my foot just fell thru. this wasn't good, and the alarm bells started ringing.

basically, my car snapped its clutch belt. i'm told it isn't serious, but that means i can't drive my car. daymn suay, also don't know wot to say these days. firstly im super low on funds with all the paying i did recently, and now this. good thing i'm still covered by roadside assistence.

i did get a tow from the shopping centre all the way back home, and that was pretty cool, seeing my car hoisted onto this medium sized trailer. it looked really neat, and i got to sit in the truck as well. very roomy and spacious. felt like the centre of attention.. hahaha -)