y'know what? i love my blog. it's not the best designed, nor does it come as the authority on any given situation. it's nothing like the blogs i recommend to clients that perhaps have a specific communications goal in mind, but at the end of the day, it's mine.
even if this blog does not take part in discussions that shake our industries, or enlighten readers with recommendations, this blog first and foremost, is me exercising my voice.
i don't expect you, the reader, if you happen to be passing by, to be influenced by my writing. there are other blogs for that, but this might not be the one. some days, it is, when i discuss pertinent issues, but on other days, this is my black text on white. it's me creating meaning from nothing but my personal take. my experiences that have shaped the day, week, month or years. this is simply me, attaching meaning to a portion of the internet, this is me renting a room from google. if google grants my existence, then i simply exist as a reflection of my physical self.
leaving footprints in this virtual world, finding a way home, leaving a mark, signs of life that i do exist, even if it's an avatar.
and that my friends, is what no one can take away from you. whether you have an audience of 6 billion, or just yourself, if you blog true to yourself, you'll always have something to blog about.
human beings make meaning, it's how we exist, for if the mind is naught, then save us for empty husks.
my light is still blown. i actually replaced the bulb, but it still won't light up. my guess is something to do with the circuits. probably ask my dad, he's the engineer in the house.
learned a bit about life while climbing the ladder fixing my light bulb. i actually have a fear of heights, and between the last rung and the final flat portion of the ladder, there was a psychological barrier preventing me from stepping on the top of the ladder. however, pragmatism forced me to step onto the last step, and.. while at the same time breaking past my fear, i also found that the highest point of the ladder had the largest base area to rest my body weight.
i guess some things in life, you just don't get a sense of. there's fear in the shaking, in the unknown, but only when you put yourself into that experience, in some cases, there was nothing to be fearful of in the first place.
the sun is setting, and i was just staring out my window. i don't get a view of the sunset, but if i turn my head to the right, i can make out its brief shape as it sets over the highway that sits outside my room.
in the distance, there are children playing, and they remind me of my childhood, when i used to play with my cousins and parents.
we don't do that much these days.
we're all grown up. my cousins, my parents and myself. i don't know if i miss it. i have my toys, i have my friends, but they're such brief moments of respite because i know the responsibility of adulthood is still out there, out of my room, out of the gate that protects my apartment. it's out there.
and as the sun starts to set and i finish looking out the window, i crawl back into my room filled with artificial light, music playing from the iPod. a momentary reminder of a band that recorded some brilliant music in a studio somewhere in the world, yet i've never seen them perform live.
i do wonder what this world holds in store for me, and i do wonder if i'll ever grow up to be what i was supposed to be.
supposed to be. that's a bit of a conundrum isn't it? it reveals that i don't think i'm doing what i'm supposed to be doing. perhaps so, but life is getting shorter and shorter for second chances, and society isn't too forgiving of people who haven't really found their place in life.
i suspect a lot of us feel this way, yet we give in to what present society expects of us. but what do we expect of ourselves? for some of us, there is a higher calling, or some of us are our own gods. but at the end of the day, we tend to give in to self-preservation.. but i'm beginning to wonder if there's something in sacrifice.
if we were to sacrifice the safety and predictability of those that have gone before us, and best practices, and all the things that made our societies great and followed our own path.. where would we end up? how far does this rabbit hole go?
a little brain fart came to me the other night as i was walking home from the bus stop.
as some background, i love to think of new band names.. i don't know why, but i think of possible band names more than i think of possible album titles. i guess it's got something to do with the inconsistency in which i record material.
anyway, i was thinking of a band name, ohaiyo. i guess it was a play on the American city, Ohio, and also a reference to the Japanese greeting for "hello". yes, stuff like this excites me.. it shapes the sound i want to come up with.. and ultimately who i might be able to work with if i were to ever record or perform with such a collective.
and then it dawned onto me, if i love playing with different kinds of music, but instead of maintaining a different band for each of my interests.. why not just have a revolving door of musicians, songwriters and performers?
we wouldn't be a band.. but more a collective or record label called "a series of self titled debuts" and each band incarnation is basically the title of the album!
it's frickin' genius i tell you.. or possibly the most stupid thing anyone could think of.
but i like it, i'd like to write music for an incarnation of ohaiyo, or the ghost of anna karina, or attaboy! or whatever ludicrous names i've come up with.
why should music always be categorised in only one way?
a thinking man is not sexy, in fact it's a curse, because we tend to think about all the evidence and possible outcomes that it paralyzes you.
and a man who doesn't act.. is really not much of a man at all.
it's good to have faith, but faith without works is dead. the good intention, the brilliant strategies, the things that make the world a better place, don't get implemented.
i don't know if one can stop the mind from racing too far ahead before the body can catch up. the mind is capable of so much more, that surpasses human and physical limitations. the mind, does not always live in the same reality as the physical body.
it is able to dream, imagine, prophecy and predict either the utopia or the apocalypse
but everything is meaningless if it does not come to pass.
interesting now that i'm making time to blog, and learning to let the words flow again.. i don't feel as if i carry certain burdens.
blogging is definitely cathartic for me, especially when i'm not trying to prove anything. just pure, unbridled passion when it comes to putting words together.
sometimes you blog to communicate an idea or message. this is not one of those times.. it's just pure, unbridled hurling of language, broadcasting, publishing, remembering how to live
it's all a bit self indulging, i'll be the first to admit that. but this is more than just publishing, online reputation management, or whatever it is we blog for these days.
this is the self-indulgant side of the writer, not to whinge or unfairly criticise someone else to vindicate one's injustice.. this is the manic, fervent side of writing.. the part that doesn't really get filtered and you trust your instincts, skills and own character when you go straight from brain to screen.
this is how i started, and what i want to remember, to retain, or retrain that essence.. the character of the writer, the ideal of the auteur.. the paradox that in being so open with my thinking.. it's actually a barrier to other people.. because maybe only "i" truly understand what i'm typing.
being a good writer requires a certain kind of discipline and talent.. both of which i think can be cultivated. i see this excercise as developing that raw discipline and talent.. to start good habits, carve yourself a groove so that when you need to pull the skills out, you can. you don't have to wait for inspiration to hit you.. rather, you're always inspired.
the way your words flow, the pacing you use with punctuation, the tone based on what words you use and how your string them together.. language and writing is truly one of the conerstones of any culture, any clue that our humanity is more than cells, mitochondria, dna, hormones, chemical imbalances, subatomic particles.
the ghost in the shell.. as if it were from another world, keeping it all together..
i am tired. not of anything (in particular). but more so physically. i really could leave the office now, but somehow, i just thought i'd come into my blog to tell you that.
i'm looking forward to my bus-ride back, packing in the ipod. already know i'm going to be listening to wintersleep, and continue reading rohit's Personality Not Included.
wished i'd find more time to read, but even when i go back home, there're a thousand and one ways in which i could chill out, that i'll never be able to chill out enough. it's like i have a whole warehouse of chillout, that i do not look forward to the next day of work because i didn't finish what i set out to do.
and that's when chilling out becomes another task to strike off the list.
i hate that.
it makes no sense, does it? that relaxing activities become another list of tasks. i have no idea how it spiralled into this.. so maybe i will just.. not think about it. turn it off like a tap.
well, i'm glad i wrote this here, i wouldn't do it if i got home because.. i'd be doing something else. i still haven't mustred the discipline to blog regularly.
i first pushed "publish" more than five years ago. it was the thirty-first of january 2003 (i checked). i was still in the army then, and i had no idea that i'd see myself this far down the future.
call it a bit of a retrospect, but so much has changed since then (i was 21 when i started the blog) and i just turned 26 two days ago. add the time between finishing national service, 3.5 years studying in murdoch, perth and almost a year and a half in an agency, i'd say things have pretty much evolved from when i was just a wee lad in my early twenties.
for starters, coming full circle, i started this blog as an extension of myself, then i got embroiled in turning this into a professional mouthpiece, but now, i'm inclined to return to my roots. That this blog is me. it's gonna be a meepok blog as uniquefrequency describe diarist style blogs. why is this important to me? well.. i do my professional blogging elsewhere, namely the open room and i'd like to keep this space my little broadcast to the interwebs. a space where i can remember, and converse without corporate strings tugging.
i think this is essential to maintaining some sort of personality and identity to my craft as a blogger (if i can even call it that). futurebureau explained it nicely when he IMed me this morning, saying that'd he'd blog to benefit a user's online experience. for me, that's partly where i'd like to take my blog to, and also.. to help you see the world through my eyes. not that i have anything better to offer, but that's why i started reading blogs in the first place, to see things through your eyes.
i refer to this video from ghost in the shell: stand alone complex. tachikomas are wondering why we humans still use words to communicate with each other. why indeed? for starters, as sophisticated as language is, it really is rather primitive, only in terms of how it can be transferred. if what the tachikomas say is true, then if you and me formed a data link, you would instantly know how i was thinking, feeling, tasting, seeing.. my five senses would be uploaded to you straight away. but still, here we are on blogs, evolving as blogs are, larger data packets, more multimedia, audio, visuals.. but we're still limited by what we can do, or what our abilities are.
you can watch the video now:
but that's exactly what keeps us human perhaps. that even in a data link, i'm still me and you're still you. even if i experienced in all five senses what you experienced, i cannot put it into the context of you. in other words, i can't transfer my soul to you and vice versa. as human beings, dare we say we are more than experiences, cells and subatomic particles?
i know i majored in mass communications back in uni, but it's this other side of our non-professional selves that i'm interested in. what do we share with each other that makes us human? i do think that one of the reasons that we share, whether online or not, is to elicit a response for something or someone else. to validate our existence, that proves we are not just a figment of imagination, not just a passing of time in the vast cosmos.
and we do that by sharing things. social media has made it easier, it's been used effectively by entities and people to better understand where we're all coming from. i don't know if it's the fulfilment of the dialogue, but i believe we've only taken a step forward in terms of communicating, or finding new ways to communicate. we can now have threaded conversations and everyone can crowdsource and be part of a discussion. we are no longer bound by geography, language (language bots), audio visual aids and etc. the gift of the internet is unbridled communication tools. but the beauty and mystery of conversation and dialogue, still lies with the human. who moves like a reed in the wind, fluid, taking the story wherever he goes. to those who will listen.
According to Facebook's Superlatives application, my friends think that i am most likely to...
1. get arrested for streaking 2. end up in prison 3. achieve nirvana 4. live happily ever after 5. save the environment from global warming 6. have the best personality 7. have the best pick up lines 8. become famous 9. see the good in (almost) everyone
however, they do not think that i am most likely to...
1. succeed 2. have the best laugh 3. sing in the shower 4. say something perfectly innocent and sound dirty 5. have every facebook application 6. love puppies 7. need therapy 8. take entirely too long to get ready to go out
mmmmmmmmm... pretty insightful, hahaha.. guess i'm one of those 'nice guys' who finish last.
i'm still awake. not that it matters, i'm on leave tomorrow. or rather, i'm on leave today. i'm content. playing a big show tomorrow, having people around me that matter, i am not in debt, slightly hungry but i'm already dreaming of kaya toast for brekkie and a good lunch.
it's not that i've arrived, but the joy that all your hard work these past twenty six years have somewhat paid off.
it's been ten years since we formed the band, four years since we formed Leeson and we're finally playing baybeats. it's an achievement four years in the making, and then what next? i don't know.. it feels great to be here already, let me savour this for a bit more -)
the future can scare and delight all at the same time, what lies in store? yet we give in to our fear most of the time instead of living each day as a gift. all we have is now, rings true then, rings true now, probably rings true tomorrow. i'll be glad if i wake up tomorrow, please don't let it rain
I'm just doing my rounds around the web, and came across sheylara's latest foray as a gaming blogger. i'm glad for her and proud of her that's she's worked (and blogged) hard to be given the title as an Xbox Xpert. (if you must know, i do approach her for some PlayStation stories as well. - and she's been ever so kind)
here's the thing i don't understand though, she has a successful blog, and blogs about gaming on her blog many times, in some sense, that's sort of what you go to www.sheylara.com for. so why go through all the hassle create a brand new Xbox blog and in some sense, fragment both Sheylara and XBox's media channels?
i understand that xperts.com is meant to be a help channel for Xbox n00bs to ask Sheylara for help, but all i see on that blog are game reviews and contest details. No real help-line there.
so far, i'm guessing they're only doing this for brand enhancement, perhaps adding organic relevancy to searches.. but those are rather long term goals. in the short term, all i see is further fragmentation of the gaming channel to convey messages.
here are some key points.
1. I agree that having a page dedicated to help newbies is important, i think it serves as education and breaks down barriers to entry. just look at get satisfaction - however -
2. i don't know if this blog (or even using a blog as a channel) is the most effective way to communicate the message. here's what i mean, blogs tend to spark conversation, but the newbie needs information. shouldn't the proposed new media channel be somewhere along the lines of direct communication or customer service?
3. i'm also concerned about continued fragmentation of new media channels to a point where there is no longer a critical mass that makes social content.. well, social at all! (ie. if you're a digital strategists, blogs aren't your only answer, or the only product you can sell to clients who need a communications solution)
4. lastly, i think they've identified the need. i don't think they've met it by starting a blog, would a forum have better sufficed?
5. -update- i stand corrected, there are dedicated help channels, but feedback from XBOXers tend to come from comments. i think threaded conversations ala forum archtecture better serves the purpose of getting up-to-date help.
overall, i guess i was hoping for better use of a blog. as it stands now, i think Sheylara is more popular than the Xpert blog, it'd be interesting to see if one supercedes the other.
i'm out! out of reservist and back to work in about 7 hours time.
what a massive three weeks it's been, literally unplugging myself from Twitter, Plurk, Facebook, Blogging and the like.
and you know what? it was good. there's more to life than social media.
i think i got lost somewhere along the way after being hired to do public relations around social media. i think i had overburdened myself somewhere along the way with trying to do too many things at once, trying to add a large number of tools at my disposal so that i could reach out to influencers.
but they're just tools. at heart, it's not the constant state of being 'plugged in' that keeps me in touch with the bloggers i've met. nope, rather it's the friendships and interactions with them that make this part of the job worthwhile. i've gotten to know more people, and it's not just inviting bloggers and journalists to make up numbers, but getting to know them, what their interests are, and what their publication's interests are.
i'm also not saying that that it's because of relationships that i do more job, i think as professionals, it's important to do a professional job that is somewhat devoid of pulling favours from your contacts, but letting your outreach and events speak for themselves. that way, no one's keeping score, and no one should need to feel awkward in a social media situation -)
being away from media has also started me thinking about a lot of other things, namely the balance between work, life, hobbies and spiritual health. i've come back to the corporate world, hopefully with more zeal, excitement and perspective. the things that are important to me, and the things i can let go off.
Going for reservist is like getting shingles. They are both 2nd stages of a dreaded disease (in the case of shingles, it's chicken pox). Nobody tells you that at the end of your Full Time National Service Liability, you still have to complete 3 low-key in camp trainings and 7 high-key in camp trainings.
i'm currently in the middle of a high key ICT, and i've just spent 6 days out in the field with no electricity, telecommunications, basic amenities or sanitation. the only thing i had to accompany me through idle moments were a book by Loren Cunningham and my journal.
i guess being away from modern life's creature comforts made me painfully aware about how dependent we are on today's modern conveniences.
not that there's anything wrong with clean, running water, or electricity at the flick of a switch or even a toilet that flushes. but we have set these as the standards of the basic necessities of life in an sprawling urban city or developing sector of town.
without them, we complain, jeer, start thinking about the better life.. i don't know, but life without modern convenience seemed like such a horrible scenario that i wondered how anyone could live without it.
but you know what? people do live like this everyday. i don't know if it's up to me to say if what they're experiencing is acceptable or not, but it did make me think of something else.
sometimes people worry if they'll even have the most basic of these necessities, but i worry so much more about privileges, rights and other luxuries, while others worry about tomorrow, i have long term financial concerns.
and also, not that we should any problem, regardless of social status, but i think we can all learn something from a lesson of the things that really matter, perhaps the things that could make our community a better place.
oh man, i know im not making much sense, but being away from so much has actually made me re-think and re-look a lot of the things i've currently been doing. it wasn't a life changing moment, but it was a welcome juncture in an otherwise on-going life that was losing direction.
Outfield was still tough though, i did not enjoy being unwashed, eating bland rations and not having any contact with the outside world for six days and nights.
was sitting at pool deck of my estate, and i was looking at this fly on the table. flying around from point A to point B, and i thought how cool it would be if us humans could be granted the same privilege.
but then it started walking, and it wouldn't travel very far. but we could, with our bipedal biological design, we were designed to walk vast and great distances.
and there was a purpose to everything, the way it was designed, to do certain things, and perhaps certain things alone.
so sue me if i'm borrowing nadnut's awesome star power to draw some more attention to my blog. but this was rather cute and i had to share it:
nadnut™ [save some trees! have a blog!] says: actually i think most men are scared of me nadnut™ [save some trees! have a blog!] says: weird brian. firing solutions to the main batteries. says: hahaha, srsly? nadnut™ [save some trees! have a blog!] says: yeap nadnut™ [save some trees! have a blog!] says: lol brian. firing solutions to the main batteries. says: hahahaha, this is a potentially trapping question brian. firing solutions to the main batteries. says: if i say you're not.. you might think i dont give you enough credit brian. firing solutions to the main batteries. says: if i say you are.. then you might so im spineless and can't stand up for myself nadnut™ [save some trees! have a blog!] says: lol this isnt a trapping question nadnut™ [save some trees! have a blog!] says: im just wondering some men are scared of me nadnut™ [save some trees! have a blog!] says: aside from squeezing manboobs, i think im rather harmless nadnut™ [save some trees! have a blog!] says: even more harmless than your bananas
hevaens no! nadnut, you are absolutely adorable -)))
nadnut™ [save some trees! have a blog!] says: but seriously, do i seem fierce brian. firing solutions to the main batteries. says: nono.. heaven's no brian. firing solutions to the main batteries. says: you're adorable nadnut™ [save some trees! have a blog!] says: o.O nadnut™ [save some trees! have a blog!] says: that's new nadnut™ [save some trees! have a blog!] says: lol brian. firing solutions to the main batteries. says: hahaha brian. firing solutions to the main batteries. says: i have a wide vocabulary brian. firing solutions to the main batteries. says: and i try to choose my words carefully nadnut™ [save some trees! have a blog!] says: lol nadnut™ [save some trees! have a blog!] says: damnit nadnut™ [save some trees! have a blog!] says: adorable is like cute = ugly but adorable nadnut™ [save some trees! have a blog!] says: eck nadnut™ [save some trees! have a blog!] says: lol brian. firing solutions to the main batteries. says: AHA! brian. firing solutions to the main batteries. says: but in the equation brian. firing solutions to the main batteries. says: cute = ugly + adorable brian. firing solutions to the main batteries. says: adorable = cute - ugly nadnut™ [save some trees! have a blog!] says: lol
"seems to me there's somethin' you don't know about men, an' that's we can't help this shit.
i mean, i dunno if it's genetic, or if it's to do with what we get taught, of if it's just 'cause it's expected of us -- but it's what we DO, ok?
'cause to help a girl when she's in trouble, or stop her gettin' into trouble, is just the right goddamned thing to do.." - jesse custer, preacher #17
it's just the right, goddamned thing to do.
i don't know why this post link here is bothering me so much, or i think it's more the comments from anonymous pass-bys that irks me more. link here
Before we go any deeper into this, please read these links to get some context to what's going on.
the girl's account a local tabloid's report asiaone's news story and countless other people who have spoken for and against this girl for either leading the guy on (accepting a $48,000 'gift'), putting herself in an awkward situation (sharing a bed together) and inviting trouble.
Yes. Yes. and Yes.
but still, what gives the guy ANY RIGHT to snuggle up next to her in the dead of the night, start stroking her back with his fingers, and when she was too terrified to do anything, whip out his big dick (it must be big if his brain was there and not in his cranium) and stroke it at her buttocks?
No seriously, what gives him the right to assume the stage has been set, the gift ($48,000 mind you) has been given, the circumstances were ideal (what? he thought she planned the 'one bed' dilemma?) when there is no clear sign of consent?
i'll admit, i think sex is a special enough act that you remain faithful to your partner to, even before you are married. but that's just me, and even for people who don't share the same view and are more versed in this act of sleeping with anyone they wish, isn't there some sort of 'teasing' or acknowledgment that they want to have sex with you?
i hardly think a dead log not making a noise to your stroking fingers is communication that screams out 'YES! TAKE ME NOW!'
i think i've made my point, who was clearly, more in the wrong for assuming too much.
the final thing that irks me, are all these anonymous people who leave comments behind saying that she had brought it upon herself, saying money had changed hands, justifying this course of action. well if it does, it clearly shows how you treat women, they're nothing more than things that can be bought.
women are humans just like us. i think it sorta shows what kind of person you are. the selfish type who looks out only for his/herself, or you respect your peers, regardless of where they come from, and their well-being is of concern to you.
it's funny how such anonymous commenter's can say such things, and although www.jean.sg has chosen to remain anonymous, at least she has a source blog and is contactable via email and willing to go public. how many of these other unverified commenters are willing to be spotlighted by public opinion, and actually broadcast what they really want they say and put it on record, while taking full responsibility for the words they use.
not many i can imagine.
big empty words. forever resigned to anonymity lacking any credibility.
my identity on this blog is public and transparent for a reason. i'm taking responsibility for anything and everything i say here, and i cannot speak for anyone but myself.
in closing, the blame that we heap on www.jean.sg will come full circle. if we are unwilling to give her quarter and benefit of the doubt for such a hideous action, when it happens to one of your loved ones, or to yourself and you are powerless to do anything about it, we have only wrought the hurt upon ourselves, because we allowed and justified such a thing to happen in the first place.
why am i speaking out about this? i'll share two of my favorite quotes, because it's pushed my buttons and these quotes belly my own principles as a man, and mortal.
'cause to help a girl when she's in trouble, or stop her gettin' into trouble, is just the right goddamned thing to do.." - jesse custer, preacher #17
once a man has seen, he can never turn his back on it. never pretend it doesn't exist. no matter who orders him to look the other way. we do not do this thing because it is permitted. we do it because we have to. we do it because we are compelled." - rorschach, watchmen issue vi
4. discovered fail blog - what is the culture of "fail"? [please watch video]
5. ate durians at geylang
6. met friends from perth whom i've not seen in a year
7. still hearting oceansize [please watch videos] women who love men who love drugs [emo spaz moments at 1:58 and 4:17]
Serial killer Lifeus Exitus So don't dare Kill her It's on me It's on you Yeah
So Don't You Believe Women Who Love Men Who Love Drugs Yeah...
unfamiliar [love the arrangement of this song, mindblowing vocal melody at 3:40]
During the laceration all you wanna do is cry At last that realization how quickly fresh blood dries Needs little explanation, 'sgonna take a lot of time Ideas above our station are below the fog in my mind When I see I see my signs It's the same face presenting the same lie If you keep walking sideways, if you keep changing your mind When i see i see my signs And obsolete your voices are They say that silence it sometimes pays In war silence it sometimes pays Souls and windows stops existing And holes where his eyes used to be Needle and thread hold together his love for the dead And all who sail in her Saw the seashore, unfamiliar The water and oil, unfamiliar Success and toil, unfamiliar Unaccustomed, unfamiliar
8. playing a gig with Kevin Matthews and the Groovy People on Saturday 930pm @ Timbre for Rock The Sub!
my oh my. what a tragically long absence away from my blog. for a variety of reasons, i had avoided penning down my thoughts because as fatigue took over, i didn't want to post incoherently.
unfortunately, as the week progressed, more and more things amassed, and my lack of a draft system meant that i wasn't taking note of what i wanted to blog about.
there were a few highlights:
1. social media breakfast 2 i had fun as usual, and was always good to touch base with one of the more prominent blogging communities in Singapore.
3. byzantin3 posted some highlights from vinton cerf's keynote address. [vinton is part of the team that created TCP/IP protocols that are the architecture the Internet is built upon] here. her department, Ogilvy One also posted an interview they had done with him online. chekkit out, it's 5 morselly minutes of goodness:
4. there's a new commoncraft show: social media in plain english
5. but do checkout the hacked version by kommonkraft for the new media douchebag.
i wish i had more input to the things i've just shared, but i'm a bit swamped with the way life is catching up with me. countless rehearsals for church, gigs and weddings make for a busy month. but things should lighten up after this week. *hopes meekly*
in other news, the new Baybeats 2008 website has been launched. My band Leeson will be playing at "Asia's largest indie rock festival" so do pop by and check out the video teaser they've put up for our band and the other 10 as well -)
www.baybeats.com.sg my props go out to you and whose army? anna judge april. silhouette and cardinal avenue!
this easter long weekend has been a rather strange one of late. in a sense, everything went as it should, everything was great and for most part, i'm happy, glad that i was a part of something.
but still, the saturday was a very surreal one.. i felt a bit distanced from the things that were always around me. family, friends, activities.. it was a feeling of displacement that i couldn't really put a finger on. music seemed to have lost its lustre on me for a period, which is strange, even being around family and friends.
it wasn't a thought that suddenly hit me on the head, but more a nagging sensation that everything was going to end one day, that there didn't seem to be a point in pursuing all the things i had already pursued.
was it sense of totality and finality? or was it one of being unaccomplished?
like i said, i can't put a finger on it, and i do apologise if this has nothing to do with what i think professionally about certain things. but i do think that this is the essence of writing online, to share what's really on our hearts and minds, the things that make us human.
maybe i'm just afraid that i''ll become a machine, and nobody wins against the machine.
