mathematician
hello. today as i was taking the bus back, i noticed an advertisement going something like "4+3+2=1". it made little sense, then i started thinking about the rules of mathematics. addition and subtraction, patterns and such. it scared me that, we humans have developed a system of counting, but wot exactly does 1+1 mean? i looked further out the window, and i saw all these numbers walking around. they were actually people, but reduced to mere statistics, void of personality. would see two people walking. two people? i could group them as two seperate beings, and everywhere i looked i saw these little conclaves of people, each with a different number in them. simply because we have developed a system of counting. imagine if we didn't! well, then it got me wondering about how we've managed to send probes into space simply by utilising a system based on counting, defining empirical value to metaphysics. just imagine for a moment if this man made concept of counting were wrong to begin with, where 1 + 1 does not equate to 2.

age
as i was walking toward the dental clinic in dover with my brand new slippers, i noticed students from my alma mata flooding the sidewalks, spilling over the neatly contained lines. i imagined for awhile wot it was like being sixteen, crushes and music all over again. fast forward two to three years, and i remember knowing a girl who was fifteen then and asked me if she should go out with a bloke who was twenty one. i'll be twenty three this year. funny how this age thing criss-crosses everywhere and everytime.

adrian veidt : jon, wait, before you leave... i did the right thing didn't i? it all worked out in the end.

jon osterman : "in the end"? nothing ends, adrian. nothing ever ends.

wot boring vegetable are you???



take the test! it's too cute!

pensive
stuck in a pensive mood, the day started out with certain new outlooks, positive ones at that. and then maybe its the time of day, and emotions are now run dry. running out of the endorphins that make me smile.

leeson is going to play an acoustic set tomorrow at nus's munchie monkey @ 8pm. come down if you can! it's gonna be slightly more intimate we hope, less electronic effects, and closer to the heart. have good vibes about the gig tomorrow and on friday, perhaps it's because of wot's on my mind that makes the burden a fuel to the "fabled angst machine" if i may quote electrico.

if you need someone to pray for, pray for me.. need to see the light.

suppression
i've got thoughts repeating themselves in my brain, perhaps over the most inane things perhaps the most important pivots in my life if it were to be be a balanced scale. i shant devulge too much, but i am wondering how my life is gonna turn out as much as i take one day at a time, one step at a time. as much as my philosophies in life are concerned, today i almost feel like taking a cheeky grin into the future and romanticise how it's all gonna work out in the end.

i've never felt so much life, huddled in the trenches
first and foremost, i would like to dedicate this post to leodi, whom quite frankly if it wasn't for him who introduced radiohead to me, my musical journey might not have come this far, and had it not been for this musical journey, perhaps my own personal journey. the immense pivot of ok computer tipped the scales, and you can imagine the way out of all infinite possibilities, this path was chosen, helped by a friend such as leodi. and it didn't stop there, because he has introduced watchmen to me, which i believe is going to be another of those seminal moments in my future history. continents apart, yet.. good things ought to be shared.

well, the other thing that's been on my mind is this whole love thing. the more i love you, the closer i get, the easier it is to hurt you. sound familiar? i don't know.. perhaps i have unrealistic view, or standard of unconditional love. a friend asked me today where i stood on perhaps marriage. is it safe to say that we get married to get divorced, that we have rules so we can break them? that we have good so that evil may exist? it's abit of the paradox that is imbedded in almost all things human.

love will end. will it stop one day? after 10 years? 20 years? wot gurantee can i give that the way i feel about you now, will be the same, will be better after all those years. how many years does it take for the flame of love to be extingusihed? very cynical, very pessimistic, very morbid. perhaps a human cannot love unconditionally, perhaps that is the condition of our fallen nature? only perfect love can love unconditionally, how are we made perfect? and if nothing lasts forever, its only wots in this mortal realm, wots in this mortal love.

it has driven me to this conclusion. i cannot love like God, i can't change my own heart. how can i change it? i can't. imbued with perfection? how can i even grasp one shard of wot perfection is? God is perfect. be it black or white, one or zero, infinte subjectivities forming a singular objective. i don't claim to know how the omnicient mind percieves or concieves, give us faith, trust, hope and love. and of all these, love remains. God is love.

and so, can i love you till the day i die without hurting you? or is hurt a part of love, an integral faction in understanding another piece to the perfect puzzle. like we said before, we cannot even grasp perfection. perhaps perfection means certain imperfections here and there. i'd like to think we'll never know till we actually see it. we won't know if we could love, until we have.

perfect day, perfect beings
and it's such a perfect day
you just keep me hangin' on
~lou reed

how do i express the way it's touching me, choking me? the news go on, i'm sitting here on a chair as if the world doesn't spin. they say an idle mind is the breeding ground for something, i can't even remember wot. but i am reading a very good graphic novel now: watchmen by alan moore and dave gibbings. it's filling up my time well, but it'll end soon, and then like a plague of angry locusts, i must once again seek out new crop to devour, to feel like a locust. to feel useful perhaps. i suppose there are other things at the back of my head, things you don't need to know about, things i could tell you about. but not here, not in this vile place of melodramatics and swimming information, doomed to be lost as everyone elses. y'see.. it'd have lost that personal touch, the one thing that keeps me, and us human. physical beings connected by a virtual bridge? more like physical beings blocked by a virtual wall. funny how it doesn't suprise you when people prefer to communicate with each other through sms. we're such shallow indecent people.

i'm already somebody's baby
we all know how young love starts, we know how nothing will ever destroy those feelings of affections for each other. and yet, many of these feelings are doomed to confrontation, doomed to years of insummountable hatred. how much you love someone, is how much you hate that person, and how much you hate that person is how much you love that person. doesn't make sense? it couldn't, i'm not even in a relationship now, yet i seem to see it happening all around me.

y'know, everyone's really concerned about my youngest cousin who's just enlisted in the army. *sigh* he mopes abit about how things don't make sense, and it sickens me. and yet, i've done my fair share of moping about things that don't make sense, yet.. i only see it as i type these words out now. funny, how this sudden thought about my own victimisation pops in and changes the entire agenda i had intended to share about today. well, yeahh.. we do tend to victimise ourselves, make ourselves the lead characters in our autobiographical movies. yet, we don't know how silly we all look till we actually pay 8.50 SGD to watch the melodramatic trash that is our lives on the big screen. would you really want a movie made about you?

way out there
i can't swallow properly, is that a strange phenomena or does anybody know wot i'm talking about?

these are lovely days
a host of other things that i wanted to share with you today, but i didn't have a journal with me, so i can't remember. all the better, because all we have is now. sometimes, i think we write in journals because we want to constantly remind ourselves of who we are, because we're so afraid that one day we're gonna wake up and not remember just who we are. that we're not going to recognise ourselves one day. how much of your own identity have you surrendered to God today?

sometimes i wonder wot it would be like to fight in a war, wot kind of a soldier would i be? i probably wouldnt even have time to think though, mowed down by gunfire in the first wave probably. i suppose war novels just muck around with your mind, they're the next best thing to actually being there.

these are lovely days because of who we share our lives with, and who we say goodnight to.

way out there
sleep deprivation, sleep overdose. either way, you can't really move properly once your body decides to wake up. in fact, your brain doesn't really process simple subconcious functions like "breathe" half as fast. does time slow down? because of that, it does.. you survey wot you're gonna do for the day, and it doesn't excite you. but oh well, even heros take a break.

the in betweens
you have to read in between the lines, look for the hidden meanings, the unsaid words or the simulcra of latent fantasies. not that i'm feeling jaded, but sometimes it's just so easy to take the world as it comes, to imagine you're the main actor in a movie and that everyone says wot he or she is meant to say, for your benefit of dismay. everything is black and white, everything happens for a reason, a reason to affect you. so yeah, sometimes we all need a good kick in the face to remember that everybody's the main characters in their own movies, so there are plenty of hidden meanings and experiences whenever a person crosses our paths. all 95% of the stuff that remains unsaid or even unthought when when go thru life.

anyhows, i caught my first and killer set by electrico last night at the prince of wales, which is also a great aussie pub by the way! i'm convinced that this band is super tight and just excellent at wot they do! super catchy and well written tunes meant for listeners of all alike, an excellent rhythm ssection and true mind-blowing guitar-work by daniel sassoon.

also, leeson will be playing its second gig on january 26 wednesday 7pm. we're set to rock the stage once again, so please come and show your support if you can, we're also selling cds on that night, so if you haven't got one.. now's the time! we've got a couple of changes to our set to keep things refreshing, and its an awesome stage, much bigger than the last one.. and we hope it's gonna be an intimate connection between you, our music and us.

peace and rocks!

love is the reason
i don't think today's post has anything to do with being sappy.. in the neverending saga of brian's battle against the malicious forces of software contamination, our hero has managed to isolate the problem but still victory is beyond his grasp. one wonders if our stalwart hero is actually just walking into his arch-nemesis's trap. while the innocent at home are finally able to surf the internet at a decent speed, they have to keep a pop up window open if not the browser will mysteriously implode in on itself. our weary hero finally decides that the mother of all battles will have to be waged another day as he lays his weary head on the soft pillow of his mediocre villan bashing skills and perhaps call in for reinforcements from good friends like napkin man who aren't only battlers of social retardedness, but perhaps virtual assailants.

and in more exciting indie boy escapades, oneliner got cancelled by reknowned pub for today's 8.30 slot. the music coordinator cited reasons such as they won't be many people coming today since it's a public holiday, why don't you guys play next week? to further understand the undercurrents in this matter, oneliner has played there a couple of times not for money, but for food and beer. meaning, only the resident band gets paid in dosh. now, nothing wrong with that, because it's good exposure for us, and the oppurtunity of a lifetime.. but it's not too hard to see that the way the band is being treated, is a disposable and expendable asset to the establishment. getting cancelled one-day before with no real form of restitution because hey, we don't really matter. perhaps these sentiments should be spelled out early in the working relationship so that the band doesn't think you're gonna offer it any more real shots at a regular gig and think of their so-called shot at a paying gig. all this really shows is that, you the establishment are too good for anything else that comes your way. and if we're not treated as partners, then employees, and even employees get paid. if you're looking out for our interests, then tell us where we stand, if we suck that's why you're not paying us, let us know.

but if we're being treated like someone you can call to fill up space whenever, then it proves you don't have our best interests at heart.

so you're treating us like fill ins, then we're filling in for you for free.

but if you're sincere about helping us and as such are not paying us, then be more active about your sincerity and not just call us for random "we need someone to play at this time" whenever gigs. or if we're really not that good yet, let us know and put us in our place.. at least we can see where our band is headed.

the case is laid as such, and sometimes, all we wanna be treated as, is the same way you would wanna be treated yourself.