incessant seizing
well, for quite a while now i've been grappling with certain emotional issues. i don't talk about it much, because perhaps i deem too much outward display of sad emotion as attention seeking and immature. perhaps i couldn't be more wrong, because if i'm going to have to learn to be humble and weak, perhaps i have to learn wot it means to be publically shamed as well. you can't overcome wot you've never been broken by in the first place.

yeahh, i've been grappling with certain issues. perhaps tops on my mind over the past week was actually getting over the fact that i fancied a really sweet girl but she might be interested in someone else. and then comes the part about being left on the shelf, being single, dying A-LONE.

but y'know wot? i'm glad to say it hurts, because it really brought me to my knees in my relationship with God. i've learnt to really come with a petition to the Lord, something that has cut me deep, and i need help. while some may look at it as immature or negligible, i've learnt that the Lord cares for us in even the smallest of ways. and because i've been financially provided for all my life, perhaps it is in this department where i so need His help. i am still human, so help me God.
perhaps in God's eyes, no problem is too big or too small. and i've learnt once again wot it means to fully give Him all the glory because He is worthy.

why have emotions if all they do is hurt you? but they can be used for many glorious things as well. there's a really good post by winston about emotions and God, and i'm glad my own personal experience has allowed me to grasp the context of such rich text.

at the end of the day, while i can't understand certain outcomes, whether or not i will die A-LONE. i know that if i ask for bread, God will not give me a rock or scorpion since i am his child. i've learnt a lot about this insercurity of mine, and how much more i haven't surrendered to God, and perhaps by typing this out, mebbe some of you have similar feelings. i don't know why, but it is only tonight that i feel comfortable sharing these vulnerabilities. and don't think for a moment that i've got it figured out, i think He's got a few more surprises in store for all of us, if we are willing to learn.

and yeah, emotions propel us to do so many things, they're like a double edged sword that if you weild to wildly you might cut yourself, but used for the purposes of God, we can be fired up to do great things of His purpose. there is no higher calling and no greater honour than to bow and kneel before your throne.

did i miss it?
i did! i forgot to wish sue a happy birthday on the blog yesterday! quick quick, better do it today. sometimes this is the only good purpose of my blog, telling the people i wanna tell something that i wanna tell them. -)

dear sue,
happy birthday! you've been a great friend despite being miles apart. you've come a long way and i really thank God for friends like you! may He keep you in his arms always!

heart,
brian

bludgeon the monkey
been meaning to type this title as a post for awhile but i guess i've been putting it off mainly because of dying grey.gray matter. also probably because i find it has no real semblance to anything i wanna write about. although as you might have noticed by now, my titles don't necessarily mean wot i wanna type about. so by putting two and two together, none of it actually makes any sense. just the way i like it though, simple pages of life unfolding itself revealing it's surprises. do you really wanna ask for more sometimes? i'm sorry if i don't share with you the sorrid details of my life, but it's better this way.

credit where its due
many thanks to thomas who was a listening ear, it was pretty cathartic.
great braised duck and kuay teow at ghim moh hawker centre for lunch today. all the melded flavours in one spoon was more than enough for an epifany.
great review of leeson's hero music ep on aging youth production's webzine. thanks for the show of support guys!
also, leeson webpage has been updated with gratitude and snaps for all who made things possible.

last night i dreamt that somebody loved me
no hope no harm
just another false alarm
last night i felt
real arms around me
no hope no harm
just another false alarm
- the smiths

no it's true, i did. and then in the end i asked her how she knew she wanted to love me, and her reply was God told me(her). it was too good to be true and i knew the dream state that i was in. i woke up feeling terribly terribly alone.

fancy suprises
had a funny experience with buses today. will look back on it some day and smile to self.

tear apart
we took the stage apart, somehow i thought this was a much better gig than the esplanade gig. the sheer intimacy, rawness and probably the frailty of this being our last gig in awhile really added to the moment. for those who attended the gig, we hope we took you on a ride that passed thru your own personal experiences. remembering the past, and the uncertain future all in one singularity. it was a joy being up there, to be able to express myself so freely, to shout it out and sing the poetry that was meant for your ears but will never reach them. still, it was our pleasure to play for you.

one for one
you'll take her second to none
you'll do the crazy
- leeson

you'll do the crazy
the band will be playing it's last set tonight before breaking off to pursue personal goals. it's been a surreal time, we know it's not gonna end. before we leave, we left enough mines in the media minefield, hoping that one of them will blow up and take the world by storm. have terribly good vibes for tonight's gig, because i guess at the end of the day, i'm dedicating this to each and everyone who's crossed paths with leeson as well as to all the individual band members who put their lives on the line to just do the crazy.

wait
and in the light of forbidden joy
i can't be good to anyone else like this
- sarah mclachlan

been doing quite a bit of thinking, reflection and moping, and the one thing i can't get over is the love of God..

announcments
hey guys, remember to come for the gig later ons at 10 in the evening! its our last gig, and you can be shure it'll be fun!

mathematician
hello. today as i was taking the bus back, i noticed an advertisement going something like "4+3+2=1". it made little sense, then i started thinking about the rules of mathematics. addition and subtraction, patterns and such. it scared me that, we humans have developed a system of counting, but wot exactly does 1+1 mean? i looked further out the window, and i saw all these numbers walking around. they were actually people, but reduced to mere statistics, void of personality. would see two people walking. two people? i could group them as two seperate beings, and everywhere i looked i saw these little conclaves of people, each with a different number in them. simply because we have developed a system of counting. imagine if we didn't! well, then it got me wondering about how we've managed to send probes into space simply by utilising a system based on counting, defining empirical value to metaphysics. just imagine for a moment if this man made concept of counting were wrong to begin with, where 1 + 1 does not equate to 2.

age
as i was walking toward the dental clinic in dover with my brand new slippers, i noticed students from my alma mata flooding the sidewalks, spilling over the neatly contained lines. i imagined for awhile wot it was like being sixteen, crushes and music all over again. fast forward two to three years, and i remember knowing a girl who was fifteen then and asked me if she should go out with a bloke who was twenty one. i'll be twenty three this year. funny how this age thing criss-crosses everywhere and everytime.

adrian veidt : jon, wait, before you leave... i did the right thing didn't i? it all worked out in the end.

jon osterman : "in the end"? nothing ends, adrian. nothing ever ends.

wot boring vegetable are you???



take the test! it's too cute!