wot goes around comes around
i think that was a naked song. remember them blokes from spore who did don't cry? this was the other good song. in fact, i have the album somewhere. my sister borrowed it. you should go ask her to lend it to you.

so anyhows, today's about feeling. you can't put all your hope into being apprecitiated by the people around you. romantic as it sounds, to be acknowledged and given value by peers around you. i think while ive been feeling better, ive also been blind to this regard. it dosen't hit you until it hits you. if you know wot i mean. well, i'm just glad i can recognise it when i see it. and it's hard to get over it on your own. well, for me it is. to change my subconcious thinking, something you can't work on per se. it's so fleeting, you blink and you lapse back into the same old thought patterns, the same old misintepretations. so yeah, things are bright, but they're not perfect. not on this earth, not in this lifetime. wot is perfection, when i cannot grasp even the air between its fingers.

a powerless feeling is when you have a guitar in your hands, but the tune dosen't reveal itself. when the words don't seem to sing and the inspiration is as dead as the paranoid zombies the infest my mind. ooooh, i look too much into things that i can freak myself out sometimes. and the truth, or bombshell always makes me shiver, no matter how much i prepare myself for it. i can't save myself from wots happening around me.. i've given all i could, it's not enough.

to kill is err, to murder is human
Mr Blair said he "deeply regretted" any civilian deaths in Falluja, insisting "but it is necessary that order is restored and the Americans are trying to do that".
- http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/uk_news/politics/3665909.stm

now don't mind me, but it's oh kay to bomb the hell out of civillians just because you want to restore order? so when a suicide bomber blows himself up in the middle of the street and harming other civillians, that's terrorism. but when unidentified ordanace starts shelling the streets and blows people up, those are war tactics? i'm sorry, i must be a dumbass.. run that by me again?

so, you send your troops in because the rebels fired upon you? excuse me, i thought you invaded the country in the first place. don't they have a legit reason to shoot your panzy white arses just because this is war as your so [in]adequately put. *pffffttt* the world is spiralling out of control, and only jackasses are probably concerned with turning the shite around. i'm sorry folks, i think the shite's hit the fan already. literally.

guerilla love
i've been waiting in the shadows, for just the right moment. we've been tracking and preparing all the traps, killzones and ambushes, underneath the moist dank inter-twining tunnels of sin. and we'll execute first strike at first light. the opposition will drive us back, but we can delay them, and regroup, and counterattack. retreat is only another tactic, losing the skirmish, winning the war. we're out for the long haul. no breathe easy, because it might be your last. enjoy the scent of killing fields, and the sweet musk of decay. it's all around us, and we are hiding in it. we are the mist, we are the wind, we are the shroud. blink, pierce, tinge, darkness.

almost human
i'm watching the anime series ghost in the shell: stand alone complex currently, and i guess it's not too unbelievable, their version of the future. cyberbrains that can be hooked up to the internet (think much bigger, more interactive than ever before. think wireless..), coupled with all the usual fanfare of heavily augumented cyborg body parts (or maybe even a full retrofit for the main character!) and you start questioning wot amounts to life. well, at least that's wot the series (as well as the movie and manga) tries to bring up. i guess the tachikoma, a cute blue robot (armed with enough firepower to at least blow your brains out and then tie your arms around your face) says it best when you tells one of the characters (loosely quoted): if God is analog, then in digital it's zero. we're analog, computers see things in binary. but when creating AI, can a machine become self aware of its existence if it is continuosly learning? aha, existentialism.. excuse me while all philosophers go wank. i have no intention of thinking about it onlinel.

well, that's one thing, another is.. in order for sucha new world order to exist, it would require that we had wireless implants within our body. this easily makes Christians paranoid about wots happening next, with the sign of the beast and everything. it looks glamourous on the anime, how so in real life? i guess a fair degree of paranoia is to be expected.. to the point of being manical about it? well, as long as he dosen't become a serial killer. see, Christians are slowly being "outdated, and unpopular, out of time, out of touch.. out of it" i guess that's wot i'm observing slightly, and that's why i still cringe sometimes when things become too contemporary. i fear that so many of us become too blind as to what we think is right in God's eyes. so, something is coming our way, its not so mainly to arm ourselves with all that knowledge from the bible, but also a spirit of discernment to recognise wot comes from God himself.

shaddap! i'm listening!
back to school. if the two week break felt somewhat directionless, then going back to school helps put things back into perspective. when you see wot's lacking, you strive for wot's becoming. well, although i really didn't do much, or sort out my academics like i thought i would have wanted to, i think i was able to clear out many areas of my life with regards to my emotions and spirit. and not by my own strength, daily it's about being reshaped by God, needing humilty just so when someone or something comes along, i'm willing to change for his glory. with a spirit of discernment, so i'm not gullible. i am very gullible. so yeah, brian's probably a brighter person now. how low can you go anyways?

half the heart
here's the deal. i just feel so daymned unaccomplished because this car that i was checking out, i never got to try due to my own dumbness (not bringing my L-plates). so my friend tries the car out, and im in the passenger seat again. he tells me its a difficult car to drive, but i want to know myself. he dosen't like the way its been customised, the noisy exhaust, basically he don't like anything about it. i can't look past the 1 grand price tag onit. the thing i think im paranoid about, is that he thinks im just doing this cuz it's an old sports car, and that i didn't know any better. he's right, i don't know any better, i like the way the car looks and i wanna learn more.. so stop putting me down and daymn well teach me something you think i ought to know rather than form all these representations about me.

i guess there are some things i have to learn, probably too spoonfed still. good thing this car is near my house, so i can just walk over and see how things are. and then i'd probably find a qualified mechanic or someone who's more willing to tell me about wots under the hood and wot needs to be changed and all that. daymn i'm bitching, and trying to be as fair as possible. it's hard..

test the next day
it's been awhile hasn't it? how well do you know brian? not as well as these tests! come take a look at the mishmash you might decide to call friend.


which historical lunatic are you?
from the fecund loins of rum and monkey.


which survivor of the impending nuclear apocalypse are you?
a rum and monkey joint.


what kind of drunk are you? You?
brought to you by rum and monkey


which colossal death robot are you?
brought to you by rum and monkey

she's walking, thru the clouds
listening to voodoo child (slight return) by band of gypsys after wot seems to be ages. oh, its gorgeous, terrible sound, so full of 'mistakes', brash unladen streams of purity and honesty translated into vibrations in our natural air. digitised for future preservation. i wonder if jimi saw all this? would he embrace the technology as readily as he accepted the drugs he took to achieve some sort of new musical standard. listening to him on this bootleg recording, basically sums up the joys, and difference between a performing and recording artist. i think when one performs, you have to bring something with you, if not it'll just be dry. it's emotionally draining sometimes, sometimes its fulfiling. i don't really know wot drove jimi to the brink of death. like morrison, i think he died chasing his muse. a quest for perfection, that really is fleeting. dangerous because the butterfly figuritive flutters everywhere, survuving even a nuclear explosion. we are only human.. but i think both achieved somewhat by pulling out something from deep within their souls. some sense of hopelessness, regret, momentary peace and a lot of bad grammar.

run christian run
so there you are. wot were you thinking? running away when i was calling out to you from across the road. hey, i came across this read, and thought it was fantastic. a tad explicit though, but it all sounded so real. the author didn't seem to try and swamp us with boistrous language, but rather, painted a picture that felt all too real, that strikes fear into your spine like reflex. it is a style that beckons the everyday, the everyman.. and you can't help but feel drawn to such mass culture when you're not an aristocratic elite yourself. yeah, we're just scum of the earth.

and even though usually i have something against styles which use explicity just for the sake of being shocking, liberal or deviant for the sake of doing it, this short story just dosen't seem to have that. it's told so matter a factly that you really think that the character's someone you know, and she's recounting that story for your benefit. no exaggerations, just a rewind from the begining.

so i was thinking, when is it gonna be my turn?

gathering before the storm
you can only sit around so much. sometimes staring for too long make your eyes want to sink back in. i've always wondered whether or retinas can fizzle out, like when transformers die. probably not, we don't see images in pixels. well, at least that's not how our brains work. what am i sprouting? i think its some seeds that i ate yesterday.. dammit! so oh well, someone's gotta find something to do.. tomorrow is production day.. we're going all out, we're going full force. ready set, gear one, floor it, go!

the ice is thin come on dive in
underneath my lucid skin. things got pretty chilly last night. the lowest it went was 7.8 at around 7am? so right now, my fingers are numbed. i just saw wot i blogged about with wotever vestiges of conciousness i still held on to. i actually typed a recipe out? c'mon! yeah, so here i am, a cold frosty thursday morn. wot holds in store for me? i don't know.. we make these days up as we go along sometimes. was just reading the letter sent by pastor rennis back home. it's nice to see the direction of sjsm, as well as the humilty of leaders and a call for holiness amongst members. i know i haven't arrived, or may never arrive. not in this earth anyway. but we're all moving together. i don't know.. as i get older, the more God makes sense, and i mean it in a way that he's the provider of every aspect of your life, even the things you don't know yet about. it's not an investment or a buisness deal, wot i can get out of it.. but a selfless intervention on his part. yay!

the distance from here to now
with my teeth brushed, and another day to look forward to. it was a good day to look back on.. we visited jo who was ill, and just helped brighten up her day i hope. then a short stopover to garden city and then back to my house. tim and i whipped up porridge for dinner, and ame's came over to join us. once again, for the second consecutive day, i cooked my new dish, cabbage stir fry!

here's the recipie:
1. fry garlic
2. toss onions in
3. throw in shredded cabbage (as big as you want them, but i recommend small shards)
4. season with sugar, salt and pepper
5. fry for awhile
6. drizzle with chinese rice wine and seseme oil
7. fry till cabbage is nearly cooked
8. pour in soy sauce
9. oyster sauce
10. add some water
11. fry to completion, or put a lid on.

we've come a long way, and there's still a long way to go.

and if nothing catches your fancy..
do you think i need a hobby? well, if i had one.. i wouldn't have brought you
this!
easily one of the funniest things i've read in a long while.

quotable quote:
Fine. But we must have horses too

oh no you don't!
should i be too concerned that my good buddy thomas asked me to check this video out?

streaming 56k
streaming 300k

i wouldn't be too concerned..

and now, a change and the battles to come
i guess why the entries of late have been sparodic, is because i wanted to say so much, but i couldn't. because it is true, i am concerned with how people interpret my text, and i really don't want anyone to get the wrong impression about how i feel about certain things and events which concern real lives. and because i needed an outlet, i ended up making it sound all so meaningless and senseless. i have gone back to writing in my journal, which has been getting dusty of late. and it is such a relief to write about how i truely feel. you the audience, i reckon will accept this style of harmless?bananas!, because we here have been trying to keep things simple, fun and harmless. where despite of our baggage, we have found a spot to rest. take some time off, discuss, enjoy the breeze in the air, or the burning trees created by the sunsets. where God's creation, takes us to a certain place, a moment that trancends the experiences we've had, a place before time, a vision not too far, the potential, the doubt, the said and unsaid.. everything in a singularity. it feels better, to not wrestle with wot text appears, and wot stays in. this is my cathartic effect, to you all.


recently, i had the delight of learning so much more about the sad state of commercial music. all you who believe in good music can pay a visit to the site, and equip yourself with some knowledge and outlooks. look broader, you might just get rewarded.

supercharged emo lyrik
"what if i cut my wrist, just because you made me like this?"
- agnes, the spirit that guides us

so writes the epilogue
and so it came to pass, that with all things in life nothing is certain, and we really can't see past the next step. sometimes i wished i could say all i wanna say, but lives are interconnected, and i don't wanna risk implicating people. thus, its always safe to write about yourself, because you can at least tell someone else to stuff it when he think he's got you all sussed out. but make no mistake, this isn't about wot anything anyone has said to me. i guess i kind of expected it to turn out this way, and the healing process is helping, it helped that it started early. i have no 'wot ifs', only forward marching. God willing and holding hands.. to our next adventure, mis-adventures and our destiny at the end of it. together.

newer things, bigger things, sizing up a place
there has been a lack of updates i know. well, i guess my mind's just been on some essay i'm doing, and really it pisses me off that i have to do crap like philosophizing cyber culture (ie. new media), and wot is and isn't new media. are the pixels and binary code considered reality.. or is it an illusion that we have become so accustomed to believe that just because it exists in our senses, it has to be real. *pffft* academic wankers. i could say more, but hell.. it's not worth it at this stage.

databases
matrixes
modularity
variability
networking
compression
transcoding
numerical representation
hyperrealism

jargon.

something that lingers
i can feel it, it's something that's inside me.. wanting to break out of the rut, to say the things i wanna say to the people i love, do something for them. to create something, that's from my soul to yours. to find some revelance of independence, know who i am in perth, who i am to my parents, and to my friends, and to God. you can never stop learning sometimes, i'm still learning. i guess i've wandered away somewhat, just because perhaps i was so jaded, talking and walking in circles. it's not that i didn't know wot i could do, it's always the obvious choice, but there's something about me and rebellion. and there's something about me. not following the things that are best for me, and then mucking around after that.

yeah, i guess in some sense, i wanna see this life take shape, but it's in His time and not mine. yeah, there's an impatience, there's a loss, and there's a relief all at once, i want to feel it.

and when there's something that lingers, i'm finally been drawn into the new sarah mclachlan album. in preperation for her concert on the 31st of may. so yeah, i will get the tickets, and drive to it in a new old car, with good friends who enjoy sarah, take pictures, feel inspired to write new songs.. and everything will take shappe. God-willing of course. but yeah, there is a calm today, with most things. i've said all i can, and could, written as much as i wanted, given it wot i could give. 'tis day we'll take note of wot lingers in the heart, and lay it out in the sun.


the voice of an angel. the one of my heart.

wednesday would be fine, thursday on my mind
how apt, but i don't think i'll be in love on friday. it was a good day, production rehearsal in the morning and rock climbing in the afternoon. it was a good climb, thanks to everyone who organised as well as made me feel good about the whole thing. i'm not much of a climber, but the encouragement and reassurement shure helped me overcome my fear of the rockface as well as put more trust in other people. climbing a rockface, is challenging, i kinda hope to get better at it.. it humbles me, because while i might have the physical strength to pull myself up, i have not the agility or flexibility and drive to complete certain climbs. yeah, you just know how much more you have to go with regards to being good at something. so today was kinda coping and dealing with shortcomings, not comparing yourself to others and kinda overcoming fears or at least deriving some sorta satisfaction for yourself. an interesting lesson.

also, after dinner when some of us adjourned to my room to just talk a lil about the 'wankiness' of uni, and struggling artists, grades, responsibilities and finding that balance of the best of everything (which is a paradox because the best can't exactly be found in a compromise). students, academics, driven by grades, or something you believe in. if that something you believe in wasn't the popular opinion, would you be prepared to be marked down? real artists don't compromise, they suffer because they see something that the rest can't, and they will be unpopular, insane and wished by the rest of the world that such atrocities were never introduced in the first place. when all you can believe in is perhaps just God and you.. is it so dangerous?

well, anyhow.. mebbe in the discussion something struck me as to how i would like to do my fiilm styles in the future. as an artist, you kind of need some sorta philosophy or inspiration to drive you. if not it's strictly professional and heartless. mebbe if i wanted to put some soul into my work, i'd wanna keep something real. where the reality of the frame is the same as the reality outside it. when wot i experience, see, hear, feel, touch, smell, taste.. all dosen't just get translated into an illusion of pictures moving. it's not physically feasible, but i would love to engage all an audience's senses, is there a style that allows that? it just dosen't seem possible.. but mebbe there's something to be created from all this. perhaps. friday i'm in love..

comatose and
waiting in line. as the hours roll by, and i say a few hi's and bye's to the people online, today was another day of simple mucking around. nothing accomplished, nothing furthered, nothing ventured nothing gained. i might argue that you need days like these sometimes, to fully appreciate the structure of living. and then some, you need it, to embrace those moments of anarchal punk, where you speak out, just for speaking out, hoping someone might hear you and pay attention to your soapbox. but this is a whine, it feels like a whine. from the writer's perspective it is. moving in surkls, it'll come back around again. i'm looking for things to do, downloading past loves and reading .. it's all an etheral state, sometimes you just need to blow shite up.

redox over reactions
so maybe i'm overreacting. but i don't wanna be caught with my pants down y'know? but then, i think it's been established that no amount of preperation can actually prepare you for anything. that's why it's called a divine suprise or something. but i guess when it happens, it happens and you gotta go thru it.

in other news, it's nice to meet someone who's on the same musical plane as you, appreciates the descriptions you pull from your experiences as a half-arsed muso. =) well, housemate timothy's friend jason was a delightful guest whom all of us shared many fun relaxed moments over the weekend. we had good conversations during the neighbourhood jogs as well as over dinners of the touristy kind. i guess perth is a beautiful place when you're kinda showing someone around. well, it's been swell having you around jason! thanks for letting me rip a small part of your cd collection!

i guess also wots interesting about wot this life is gonna be like, is to see the results of the decisions i've made regarding certain pertinent issues. things that really, sometimes just look so obvious, but is blurred when you're just not thinking with your brain. but it'll somehow sort itself out, plus there's always the drill to fall back on. the safe regularity of constant.

it's a connection, that's wot they call it
it's a whirlwind of sorts, the last week that we've had before the two week break starting today, now, in fact we're almost twenty hours into it already. i think this two week break will be good, i sense some sort of desert process or stormy weather ahead of my life. i don't know, i don't know if any amount of preperation will prepare me for wots in store, wot's in store for the filth that i'll see in this life. too many times we paint our pretty pictures, or safe graphics of glorified terror. no, i think it's the shite now, not that i'm in any, but i just sense a storm coming. or i might be making all this up.

six dollars in small change
there are certain bands that have just so much groove you can't help but bob your head a little, snap your fingers on every two count and imagine yourself fingerplucking that four-string, attacking those staccatos or fiddling around with the snare work. incubus is one of those bands. nowhere fast could be one of those songs. being extremely almost bored could be one of those occasions.

good friday. it didn't rain! it is somewhat suprising.. well, if my memories serve me well it rains every good friday back in spore. mebbe its not the same thisside of the world. oh kay, latest breaking this just in, it IS raining back in spore! this kinda means something to me. i mean, it just kinda transports me back to spore where everyone's there. it may also feel like that's where God's shown me most things too i guess. hence the rain on good friday, something that's been constant, familiar.. almost haunting.

not quite the same here though. i really like it here and all, but most of my friends are really a different buncha people ive grown up with, jammed with, talk music with. philosophical rants and strange jibing. but then, i think i'm here for a reason, God's reason and blessing. so let's start discovering wots in store for His capacity here.

and it's like that powderfinger song
gotta keep moving to stay warm
because i'm freezing in this room

but seriously, taking stock
so this is how it goes. i've got one essay due next friday, 16th april and my production filming dates are probably the 23rd april the following friday. swanky huh? yeapp, one assignment due every week of my frickin' hols. but it's oh kay, i don't really mind, i guesswot this means is i gotta do regular, structured homework and catchup. just so i can do my best in 'lil ol perth.

a few more things, car searching, mebbe actually think up an action plan to revamp my laptop and creative skills in terms of music and web design. oooh, there are so many things i wanna tell you which i feel like doing. but i don't wanna feel dumbass when i actually shoot my mouth fore i can act.

so tomorrow is good friday. it'll rain.. it always does. haha, and i was thinking of doing my laundry tomorrow.. *grin* but yeah, a day to think about His love and sacrifice again.

hmmm.. i guess i'm also somewhat missing the folks and you guys back home. it shure has been awhile aye? hope all of you are doing swell, it's encouraging to read the blogs and know that you're at least alive. heh~

am i becoming too soppy? mebbe i don't wanna take things for granted, these fleeting moments of our lives. have mercy on our souls.

simply because cartoons don't bite back
i joined a fanlisting! check it out on the content page. it's the hyuga hinata fanlist! she's the meekest, most kawaii character in naruto. and i can't believe i'm making such a big fuss about this. life could use more excitment.

a new bandname:
we were made for exciting times

nihon gono totemo muzukashi desu, demo totemo omoshiroi desne!
well, the japanese test didn't sit too well with me, and i studied for it! *sigh* i guess hard work just isn't wot it takes anymore. orrrr, i might be deluding myself that i've worked really hard, but in actual fact, i havent clocked in the necessary hours. yes.. i think it's more the latter. exxxxccellent.. *twiddles fingers* so anyhow, japanese laguage is very difficult, but it's also very interesting! (note: look above).

a realisation yesterday. i managed to jog 5 km at the gym yesterday. that's 399 calories burnt. but i put it all back and more when we had dinner at hungry jacks / burger king and a two scoop sundae at baskin robins. not only did i spend more than AUD10 on dinner, i also put the kilos back on.

so now! i am going to attempt to lead a healthier lifestyle at least thru the weekdays. that's eating at home, veggies, fruits, healthy cuts of meat and good portions of carbo. minimal snacking and more jogging too!

will we prevail?
brian san, ogenki desuka?
iie, watashi genki ja arimasen!

konichiwa mina-san
gotta japanese test in about two hours time. well, just so you would know.

the spirit that guides us
in our quest for righteous emo, i have found an amazing emocore band. they're probably nothing special, neither have i checked their lyrics out or anything. i'm just kinda drawn to their melodies and screaming for now. so well, if its your cuppa tea, here's the link:

the soundscape
there's a blank space for creation, for contemplation and finally inspiration. was just looking at some of the blogs that used to inspire me as a blogger, and it really is encouraging to see these lives go on, being shared. a lil part of me to you. perhaps everything human gets tainted because of our fallen nature. to attain perfection is not in this lifetime, to attain perfection is in eternity perhaps, where there is no end, no beginings. and then if you don't find it there, do we go insane then? spend some time wisely, all we have is now.

a burst of warm harmless sunshine
in response, i will only type about shiney happy things where the glass is always full and your teeth are sparkley. =) now dosen't that just feel wonderful all over again?

hang back those fallen days
and you can do wotever the hell you want because nothing comes close to touching me. oh, but it does dosen't it. that's why you seek some sort of solace here. solace, a place so strange and fleeting. so yeah, that's life. you can't always have the last laugh, you can't always win or lose. you keep moving forward as if it dosen't matter. or you've found something else to bitch about. those days, always seem like a memory, making us who we are. hmmm.. nah, maybe we're just not looking in the right places. wot's past is past, wot's here now, will fade, will last. wot's tomorrow is no further than my hand. have fun y'all.

edit your blog
broadcast broadcast. i guess i must be really running out of ideas if i'm taking the title for this post from the blogger's greeting. ah well, i probably am not that creative anyway. i'd like to be creative though.. it's the language of artists. this path of an artist, seemingly did it find me, or did i find it. i think it lied to me, manipulated me, made itself attractive.. skewered me off track from my dreams of medical science as a toddler, or say the wonders of the deep sea as a marine biologist. now i am forever at the mercy of scientists who will tell me wot they think i should hear. wot my dumb, impractical nature takes at face value.

so i don't think i am very creative. it keeps me alive though, the inadequecy and the quest to strive for a sort of epitome. the beauty and curse of the relative, will plague almost anyone who embarks on a learning curve as bastardised as this. how can you express yourself? why are you expressing yourself, is there a need to? do you have a message, or is it serving your ego? yeah, we do it for others to see, and we do it for release. perhaps it would be folly to pin it down on any one thing. i don't know. nobody's really there to tell you sometimes.

yeah, i think someone may have led me here, astray even. but i'm too caught up in it, i'm enthralled by the strange beauty and the shiney dusty surfaces. they sparkle so brightly my eyes burn out. then it screeches into your ears and your world goes dark.

i don't really hold all the answers
if you don't know me by now, i don't blame you. i'm not even talking about anyone in particular, so don't you jump to conclusions, or i might just get obligatedly offended. i'm just thinking about the new cell i've been going to. it's funny, when you think this person's this and that person's that. but i think, as we'll see each other more each week, we'll actually see that there's so much more going on behind the surface.. and i almost forgot wot it was like to actually meet new people. for the first time.

a change would do you good
same old story today. hmmm.. i guess this is wot assignment mode feels like. life stands still, nothing really touches you, you don't know if its unfeelingness or insensitivity. i guess ive just devalued so many things around me, and i'm not really all you think i am. deeper or shallower, are illusions, and mebbe i don't aim to please anymore. but see? it's all me. and i can't live on this will alone. even when im done with myself, You're not done with me.