harmless? bananas!

she finds it hard to shimmer in the light
i had to find some time here i guess. have been playing host to my parents for the whole day, and its made me appreciate my own alone time here. time where one can just sit quietly and reflect on one's own life. i guess i didn't know how much alone time i had till my parents came, and now its quite scarce.

so they're sleeping in my room now, and im just in the living room typing all this out. its been great having them here, and i'm just glad to be able to share with them wot they've been sacrificing for me.

tomorrow dad's gonna join mom and me at church. really wonder how he'll take to it, i do hope that it speaks into him and causes him to question one's existence.

somehow, that's one reason why i've been so interested in spirituality, that idea that there's always more than meets the eye. that there's always a reason, something beneath the surface of our existence? i mean, wot sort of purpose would we have if we were a cosmic joke and we exist simply because we exist.

if life were an accident, that there's no real reason we should be here, and that somehow we've arrived, built up our cultures and modern technologies, that we should just enjoy the 70-80 years that we are alive and that's it.

isn't it meaningless?

and the thing is that, some of us are so totally content with that 80 years of existence. granted, i see those years as a gift (and curse sometimes), but if life were so meaningless.. why live it? wouldn't it make a difference then to just end it all.

and that's why, the first step is to always look beyond ourselves. that if we died, it affects others.. and there's a clue in living your life for someone else. and then you surrender more and more, and finally.. finally we pass away from here.

am i afraid of death? not particularly, not just because i believe in an afterlife, i mean, even if you didn't believe in an afterlife you wouldn't fear death because you've accepted that death is a natural part of life.

the scary thing in reality is, what if there is an afterlife, and what if there is a hell?