harmless? bananas!

darkness as in the absence of light
walking in God's will. that's kind of how i would sum up what i'm trying to do with my life. but it really looks alot easier in writing or when you're listening to a pastor preach about it, or have your friends tell you about it.

however, one reason why i can attribute to its difficulty, is when we are trying to do it on our own strength. why do we do it on our own even when its mentioned so many times in the bible, to let go and let God? i think one of those reasons is pride.

pride not in a conscious sense, but a subconscious pride that tries to justify being a christian through good works. it usually manifests with all good intention.. we all want to be better christians, we want the victory, the blessings, the approval of all that is from heaven and our family in christ. but alas, such intentions without the right method can just end up being an earthly method of doing seemingly heavenly things.

and pride creeps in because, we are basically telling God that we're good, we're alright, we can sort it out on our own. we can draw closer to you, in fact we will draw closer to you because we are doing x amount of correct things.

and when you find yourself along those lines, you dig deeper into the lie by trying to rectify your mistakes. by trying on your own strength to let God take over, to have a seemingly surrendered heart. but has the pride been addressed? have we truly apologised for our mistakes, and told God that we really cannot fucntion whatsoever without him? and that every good things comes from him and his grace, and not by our own merit?

perhaps i read too much into my own struggle, heaven forbid that i try to instil some sense of guilt or 'how to' in your own walk with christ. no, this is not meant for that, it is not my place as to say whether your walk or mine is deeper in the Lord's. this is only meant to be ab exposition, if you have perhaps felt the same way as i have. and i can merely share what has been impressed on my heart.

i have yet to come to a place where i can tell various people, this is what i'm struggling with, unsure of whether they will understand or not, or just quote me some cliched christian advice. but i think another part of the key also comes from the family of christ. we have to be accountable and supportive of one another in love, and not in pharisitical judgement. regardless of the gravity of the situation perhaps? we can be firm, but not condemming.

trying to sort things out on my own has been this - worrying about things, such as:

should i go back to singapore or seek life elsewhere?
what ministry should i join or will God put me into?
will i buy an lc-a?
will i buy a mac?
will that mac be a powerbook or powermac?
should i be getting a satalite PC instead?
what about portable music, an iriver or an ipod?
what sorta music will i be playing when i go back to singapore?
do i start any new projects?
what sort of job will i hold in the future?
what sort of position will i get?
will i be respected by society and my peers?
will i ever have a relationship with anyone?
will whatever job i find myself into pave the way for something else, something greater?
how can i be a better musician?
how can i be a better christian?
how can i be a better friend?
how can i be a better son?
will i have enough for the future?
what sort of hobbies will see me past my prime?
how will i age or grow old?
how will i bring up my kids?
what sort of values will i learn today that will serve me well into my years?
will i ever direct my own production?
will i be a leading expert in my field?
will all these things matter if i surrender everything to God?
should i even be concerned about these things?
etc..

the list can go on.. but i've probably typed out most of the concerns that can enter my mind at any time. pride is to hold on to these things and try to master them on your own. thinking that God isn't concerned with these things.

as a two edged sword, christian maturity is when you know God is God above all and all these concerns and that his grace is sufficient for you. and you just have to trust God and seek him as to the responsibilities he has given you.

and the other side of that sword is when you have these concerns, but you're not a bad christian by having certain desires. i don't think God's told us to shut things out of our lives just to be better chrisitians, but rather.. i think he loves us so much that he wants to know what's bothering us, what's keeping us up late at night.. trivial as they are to say perhaps the second coming and his glory and eternal majesty. i believe he wants to know these things, so that he can show you.. that even the creator of the universe is concerned about what car i can drive tomorrow.

just because he loves you. and it's our pride that tells us that God is not concerned about these things.