maybe there are nights that don't feel so alone
as i look upon the sleepless void, past a point of no return.. i wonder: what remains? what is lost forever? all we have is now, and yet.. we live like tomorrow will always come. is it wrong to hope in this vain promise? is it wrong to take it for granted? when will the heavens come crashing down on us to show us the err of our ways? some days, my soul screams for justice. but my spirit would all but be consumed by a holy fire, lest thou bless me with his grace. only by his grace alone.
it's funny, i have many things in my life which i'm not proud of. things i'm not entitled to say, but know that they are such personal sins that i struggle with, and still struggle on a daily basis. know that i'm not the christian you know me to be, lest the secrets of my heart scare you away. and yet, in all that i think i can do, how i want or desire to right those wrongs, to prove to my saviour that he did the right thing in dying for my sins, that i would make myself worthy of his grace.
alas, in my twisted fallen nature, i find no respite. i will never be worthy of the grace, not by my own might or my own power. perhaps we are never worthy of such grace, and when it hits.. nothing we ever do will be right. only by grace alone that we stand, i think i'm slowly understanding what it means.
i know this is going to sound twisted, but as i fall into sin again.. as i give in to my temptations and fall into deep deep unforgiving sin.. and doom myself for all eternity, i see a glimmer of hope, that in spite of everything i have done, and will do.. he died nonetheless. as i consciously fall deeper into my depravity, i still see the goodness he has reserved for the likes of me.. and in this i find my saving grace.
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