i don't say strange things for the sake of being strange
sometimes when you've been a christian for so long, this little thought creeps to mind. are we really all that different from the rest of the world? it's not that i'm saying christians are special or better, i mean it more in the way where if we're just cruising along in our spiritual walk, do we start thinking in a more worldly manner? i find that once i slack off, i become very concerned with achieving some sort of material success be it through affirmation from others, through artistic pursuits or perhaps even through grades and academics.
i guess what's really striking me now is i'm here thinking, how would God remember me by? the scholar, the bassplayer, the video guy, the one who thought more than he should? but seeing how this thought pattern goes, it's easy to see how much the emphasis is on self glorification and self worship. and it's even easier to see, just who the god is. me.
who is God? who is God that we should worship him daily, every second of the day with every breath that he has given us? now, perhaps the cry of our hearts, is that if God were to just say "well done good and faithful servant, with you i am well pleased." that would put every single thing into perspective. it would allay every doubt and affirm every insercurity.
that's the thing, for starters we should see that serving God is already a great privillage for us, but being praised by him is indescribable. unfortunately, i know in my heart, the attitutude of it is not yet prostate. it still holds on to want to worship him in my way, what i feel is best. it holds on to my own strength and in turn causes me to rely on my own strength, not his. it still desires affirmation, and man's encouragement, sometimes i disguise it with God's encouragement, but i know in my own deep heart what my spirit still desires, which is to please myself. to justify myself even that i am worth being a christian. the thing is that, its only through faith that God credits to us as righteousness. not by what we do or say, but by what we believe. or rather who we believe. there is only Jesus because he is the way, the truth and the life.
so in name, are we as christians any different from the ways of the world? we disguise our carnal desires with spiritual jargon, but perhaps it's time to examine just whether our spirit is coupled with God's truth to worship him with.
perhaps Leonard Cohen says it best in one of his songs:
And when the hunger for your touch
Rises from the hunger,
You whisper, "You have loved enough,
Now let me be the Lover."
You Have Loved Enough, Leonard Cohen
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