so the lunar new year came and went. i had a good break.. it was a good time to catch up with a lot of family and friends.
in time, so many of us are leading our own lives, we don't have the luxury of being in school anymore and being constant in each others lives. what's more, with my friends who live or are going overseas to continue their studies, we're all gonna just keep growing and i can't be a part of it.
i don't know what's making me keep this blog alive.. i know i won't share the intimate details of my life, i'm posting more thought provoking stories on singularity industries, and i'm definitely getting lazy when it comes to typing in here. maybe i'm just tired..
maybe at it's heart, i just don't seem to think that typing in here reflects my life anymore. you know? that feeling that what you're doing on the outside doesn't represent the inside.. it's such a fake sensation. i wonder how some of us do it though, not just with blogging, but with life.
that we use this world as a stage and act out facets of our lives that we hope for the desired response from the audience around us.
"i want to be beautiful.
i want to be smart.
i want to be accepted.
i want to be free.
i want to be loved.
i want to change.
i want to be respected."
and there is no real response to all these slices of life. we're always looking out for ourselves.. yet at it's heart we're constantly looking for that validation from an external source, or from our loved ones.
i guess what i'm grappling with right now, is a purpose to this life. it's a new season of being in my late twenties i reckon. back when i was in school.. it was relatively simpler, the stakes weren't so long term as well. pass my exams and projects, do my best when it comes to bass playing, in the worship team and band.. and in that regard, it was "easier" to see what God's direction and purpose for my life was.
then suddenly i've graduated, and spent the last two years working. but for what gain? what profit? and the thing is, this doesn't end till the day i retire.. does it?
the world tells me to work for the future, for my family even perhaps.. noble aspirations definitely.. but my zest for life is fading at an alarming rate.. even if it has been on the backburner for awhile.
even when i play music, either listening or making music.. there's a part of me that goes.. what's the point? it'll just be a hobby, we'll never make it big.. the joy of creating new sounds just becomes an unrewarding two hours spent with my friends in the studio. don't get me wrong, i have a great time hanging out, laughing, and for a moment, these brief glimpses of joy distract me for a while.
but ultimately, i feel myself fading fast and increasingly disconnected from what my purpose in this life is.
i know i could make myself feel better by sharing photos of my new supersampler application for my iPhone , or talk about the fun interesting bits about my life.. but this goes beyond that..
i guess i really am looking for a sort of validation and direction in life. that this will be alright, everything will be alright.. everything's going as planned.. some things are still worth fighting for..
i think too much, and i have lots to be thankful for. I KNOW THAT, and i am.. but there's always something more, something deeper that gives this life meaning. and i'm either blessed or cursed to have to think that way, to unlock this mystery or break the meaning of existence down to it's most empirical form. i can't help it, it's the way i was wired.
Ozymandias: "I did the right thing, didn't I? It all worked out in the end."
Dr Manhattan: "In the end? Nothing ends, Adrian. Nothing ever ends."
i suppose i was born with an infinite gap in my soul that only eternity can fill.