Friday, December 31, 2004

childish pranks
i think i'm such a tantrum thrower. it's easy when you live on your own, because you plan your own timetable and you waste your own time. being single means you don't have a significant other to plan your life around. this i'm just wondering, because when i'm at home i gotta choose between family and friend. and if i don't get wot i want, i could get prissy or just go along with it and just sulk through it. not exactly the most mature of persons, but i think it's been happening ever since i got back.

and for all the self-righteous sharing with thomas about how as musicians we ought to take one for the band, lay off our ego-trips and wank fests on our instruments, i could throw a tantrum here and there too. i'd deliberately play a line that you suggested over and over again just to spite whoever suggested the idea in the hopes that it won't work out, thus proving i was right all along. *sigh* longay, you're prolly gonna read this anyhow.. but yeah lah, i'm dealing in my own way the contributions i'm making to music. but no worries! it's not as serious as it sounds -) i still thank the Lord everyday that we're all friends first before the music.. and that inspires me to play better and to be open to each and everyone of you. and of course my folks *grin*

Thursday, December 30, 2004

if i needed psychiatric help
i'd be the last to know. denial is usually the first stage, how do we even know if we're classified clinically insane? someone has to tell us right? if i know i'm mad, i have a firm grasp on reality no matter how mucked up it is, and that doesn't really cut it as me being insane. no, we don't know we're mad. we're all frothing mad!

so today i met jo-lyn for lunch, and also had band practice in the evening.

the gig's at the esplanade on the 8th of january, 10pm.

9 more days to leeson's debut gig!

Wednesday, December 29, 2004

shame the world
many a times, my email address gets mistaken for today's title, but it's no where as depressing, and more akin to being everlastingly random.

i've just gotten back from a family trip to Malacca, and it had it's moments. one thing's for shure, nothing's perfect, or perfection is a flawed concept. put a family in the same room, or put them together for three days is something like a social experiment. we've more or less been living together for the past twenty two to twenty three years, and still we're not used to each others habits, how we express ourselves, we still can't read the inherent meanings we try to get across, we still get misunderstood. it's a fragile thing these relationships, and i thought it was a dynamic time to know my family again, where somewhere in between at about the age of twenty, i've never really stayed at home due to NS commitments and overseas studies. i'm still the same and i'm not the same. just ask my mother -)

a strange number of events happened whilst overseas, watching the malay news in the hotel room as they showed us repeated footage of the tsunami disasters, the worst earthquake in our present history.. a sign of our generation perhaps. one final event to rock 2004 out of balance. it's a tragedy, the day after Christmas, so strange, so sudden, so close yet so far. it's hard to feel when you're not really there, yet it makes all your current problems miniscule in the grand scheme of things, and yet sometimes we still choose to entertain our current predicaments with a vengence by shutting all else out of our lives. no we can't carry the weight of the world on our shoulders though we'd like to, to show that we're in control. but we're not.

geosynchronous orbit
it looks like we're moving
but we're not

Saturday, December 25, 2004

show me what happens now
so i can't say everything, but that's alright. it's not like i could change your mind or anything. this really isn't about anything in particular, it's kinda wot happens when your mind just starts talking with itself, or the other residents that live in the same apartment in our subconcious. you might think it's actually crazy to type like this, you may not understand. i don't understand myself, and i'm not seeing to be understood, or even to understand, i just want to get it out and entertain it. it helps me cope, it's catharsis, it's just the way i feel. funny the things we do, letting it all come out, freely hammering away at the keyboard, responsibilities shrinking as you don't bother with how your text will bother other people. free of responsible blogging, know that i've always cared about your well-being that i tried to make things understand. for a moment now, just understand when i say i need a break. it's really catharsis, notice the amount of "i"s i'm using in this post, it's not exactly the most outwardly looking. so when one looks inward, does one face all the strangest linear conversations with oneself. remember, we're not seeking to be understood, we're just trying to get it out of our system, and there's nothing wrong with that. well, verily verily i say unto you now, there is nothing wrong with that. there might be something wrong tomorrow, but today, we're just harnessing all that we have now. and we're just looking for some sorta release. peace and rocks.

Friday, December 24, 2004

what christmas means to me
no riddles, no metaphors. i thought i'd just share what the season means to me because it's a special season. not at first glance, but after a continued existence of twenty-two years.

frankly, i don't even know where to begin. the words are coming out all weird

at the risk of being cast as self-righteous, Christmas to me is about Jesus Christ God, Saviour Of The World and Friend. it's a time to reflect on God's greatest gift to mankind, the infinite love that God has for us (humanity) that he presented us with Jesus God incarnate

two thousand and four years ago (it's easy to count *grin*), a very important person was born in a manger. many of us know the story, but do we know the storyteller? is it so hard to believe, that two thousand and four years ago, a baby Jesus was born to a carpenter and his wife who was still a virgin at the time. that's how miraculous that birth was. is it hard to believe that the birth of Jesus was prophecised extensively in the old testament, and it met every single one of those requirements, and still many jews don't recognise that Jesus was more than just another man, but the Messiah himself who fulfiled every prophecy written about him from his birth, death and ressurection.

Christmas is a day when we reflect our status in the grand scheme of things, the great love of our Heavenly Father, the greatest story that is still being written. i'm excited for Christmas, i'm glad many of us still remember what Christmas really means, it's more than a holiday, it's more than religious, it somewhere more akin to God's majesty over all the things of this world and more.

Merry Christmas everybody, God loves all of you!

rant raving
one more day to christmas, one more day to christmas! sometimes i can't feel it, sometime's i can. but it's not about a feeling, it's not just a feeling. if we felt, we'd feel our way to destructions. our emotions can be destructive things, our logic can be destructive things, we can be destructive people. some of us think we can change the world, can we? or have we already inherently failed thinking we can succeed. living is tricky buisness, and it could also be deceptively easy. you make it harder than it has to be.

God changes all

Wednesday, December 22, 2004

the everlong reason
searching for something to keep us alive. are we already dying? i'm not trying to scare you with death wishes, just a friendly reminder from life's final friend. but there's no sense being grim, i like the unseen hope, the visible faith. as christmas draws near, lets set our sights on the glorious eternal, not on the perishible gifts that pass us by.

Tuesday, December 21, 2004

listening to that skanky liquid bassline
sometimes, when you can't think of anything to write, you feel dead. then you just need to think of a word, or the first thing that pops into your head. like me typing in here that i can't exactly think of something to write, and voila! i've got something to write, something to tell you, that there isn't anything to tell. that's wot i wanna tell you.

but i also wanna share a bit about the beauty of the bassline. the bassline is like a spinal chord that walks, its the unseen backbone that usually holds a song together, communicates between the percussion rhythem and the melodic harmonies. its like stuck in between, for a special time such as this. it's not exclusive, its not more special than any other instrument, but its just an instrument that found its way into my arms. and like you, i've learnt to wield it the best way i can, the best way i can express myself, to make sense of the world, the art and the craft. there are so many things i wanna tell you, whisper in your ear so that you could see it the way we did, that's why we strive to communicate. like vampires feeding off each other, the band is a perfectly self-sustaining entity. the bassline is just a voice like any other, sometimes louder, sometimes softer, sometimes meaning something, sometimes meaning nothing.

if you know wot i mean
just a fun game i learnt from the youth group in my perthie church. basically, end everything off you say with this statement: if you know wot i mean

rapid deployment
well, i'm back in spore, and it's hitting me like i don't really know where i belong. a part of me likes it, and a part of me doesn't, but then again, i guess i'll never be happy. it's somewhat strange to not be on the mission field, like i'm on holiday or something, complacency setting in? scary thought. i have a new chorus pedal for me bass, the arion sch-z which i kinda bought on impulse in japan, but apparently it's got great reviews.. might just have a gem on my hands. basically, just gonna concentrate on music whilst here, might be getting a sweet deal on a bass over here, see if it works out, then i could earn some extra dosh by selling it in perth. also, the leeson website was updated on december the fourth, and we got some gigs lined up for next year. also, there're streaming samples of our ep, so if you're itching to hear wot we sound like, scratch it now.

met up with a couple of my good mates yesterday, and that was all good.

Saturday, December 11, 2004

hey folks! i know its been awhile since this blog has been updated, but bear with us as we find time to talk about the things that have been happening in Japan.

im greatly encouraged by the japanese christians over here! the faith is simple and string, and the love that they reflect and share with others is the same deep love of God. God has just done amazing things with the people of Japan, and helping to sustain even just a small fractional population of the christians. how the numbers dont dwindle to zero has been the faithfullness of God.

we are gonna be here for about nine more days, and ill only return after next sunday the nineteenth, so our team would really appreciate if you would remember us in your prayers as we continue to work together with the church in japan, as well as to continue to share the gospel with the others.

Saturday, December 4, 2004

japan is rocks
hey guys, day five of the mission trip, its great! thanks for all your prayers and keep praying! God]s doing great and awesome things here, and im just learning so much from the man Himself!

happy birthday to lau pok as well, and that napkin man have a fun time at zoukout!

Sunday, November 28, 2004

could you be any
its not easy to type in a blog when there's simply red, robocop and david letterman all on at the same time. and guess wot, none of them are on channal five! (because it sucks, sucks ands sucks more, even more so, just because.)

oh kay, we're gonna stop talking like american cheerleaders, simply because i'm not one. but even if i was one, i wouldn't want to be one. am i making much sense? no, because blogging in spore seems so different from blogging in perth.

i realise this, because when i blog in perth, its mainly for a sporean audience, well, somewhat, anyone who's mildly interested in my minor acts of heroism on a day to day basis, but now that i'm saving the world here (with napkin man no less), the blogging bug just seems to have stopped biting/byting. still, we have to be comitted. -)

because i know there are others elsewhere in other parts of the world, at that i'd like to believe so.

and well, after such a lenghthy prologue, it should be time to announce that i watched house of flying chestnuts today.

do robots who discover humanity, have more of it in them than us?

one more robot learns to feel .. - the flaming lips

the play was really good, if you ever get a chance to watch it, please do, spoofs are funny.

Friday, November 26, 2004

shotgun happy
the joys of being back in your old home. the not-so-joys of having a mom ask you every single thing. hahaha, i know.. my mom's funny, she's asks me about every single thing, every single friend. if i'm just meeting a girl for the sitex exhibition, she asks (nicely) for a background check and everything, which is amusing. it's not that she's a control freak or anything, just a concerned parent, her twenty two year old son who's still seven in her eyes (or worried that he's already twenty two?). but yeah lah, i think one could have easily mistaken this for nagging, i have.. why does she keep asking me.. but then, when you havent seen each other for a whole year, you are concerned in keeping up to date with your kid's life. and yeah, if we saw things that way, we didn't have to lose our cools all the time.

Wednesday, November 24, 2004

over here
well, finally back home. spore just hit me with the weather, it was familiar and different all at the same time. but i really am glad to see the familiar things again, to be under the wings of care. i'm just gonna have a bit of a good break while i can, don't really have anything useful to say -)

weight lost to be
i know it's late, but i just can't seem to concentrate on packing. jeepers, it's like i got some kinda attention deficit disorder.. yet i know that if i take a nap now, i'll only wake up the next morning, no.. i have to endure this, if not i'll never leave perth.

my last night in perth, i've learnt so much, thanks be to God for that. He's shown me so much, opened my eyes, my ears, my heart.. could it be that i'm still reeling? wow, all the people i've met, and the journey still continues, everyday a new adventure. somehow, this year didn't seem like one of dread, i feel as if the sunshine gives me some sorta crazy outlook in life. yet i know, without God, i am nothing, not my revelations, not my musings, nothing of me could be worth anything in the grand scheme of things, yet God uses all things to encourage His chosen people. your five loaves and two fishes. did i ever mention i love that story? i just did -)

see you all on the other side.

Letter to Diognetus
Chapter V: The Manner Of Christians

For the Christians are distinguished from other men neither by country, nor language, nor the customs which they observe. For they neither inhabit cities of their own, nor employ a peculiar form of speech, nor lead a life which is marked out by any singularity. The course of conduct which they follow has not been devised by any speculation or deliberation of inquisitive men; nor do they, like some, proclaim themselves the advocates of any merely human doctrines. But, inhabiting Greek as well as barbarian cities, according as the lot of each of them has determined, and following the customs of the natives in respect to clothing, food, and the rest of their ordinary conduct, they display to us their wonderful and confessedly striking18 method of life. They dwell in their own countries, but simply as sojourners. As citizens, they share in all things with others, and yet endure all things as if foreigners. Every foreign land is to them as their native country, and every land of their birth as a land of strangers. They marry, as do all [others]; they beget children; but they do not destroy their offspring.19 They have a common table, but not a common bed.20 They are in the flesh, but they do not live after the flesh.21 They pass their days on earth, but they are citizens of heaven.22 They obey the prescribed laws, and at the same time surpass the laws by their lives. They love all men, and are persecuted by all. They are unknown and condemned; they are put to death, and restored to life.23 They are poor, yet make many rich;24 they are in lack of all things, and yet abound in all; they are dishonoured, and yet in their very dishonour are glorified. They are evil spoken of, and yet are justified; they are reviled, and bless;25 they are insulted, and repay the insult with honour; they do good, yet are punished as evil-doers. When punished, they rejoice as if quickened into life; they are assailed by the Jews as foreigners, and are persecuted by the Greeks; yet those who hate them are unable to assign any reason for their hatred.

Monday, November 22, 2004

recurring thoughts
the gaping wound is still in my chest and it hurts just to breathe. or rather, move my arms. i'm hoping i can play a righteous gig tonight, we're playing the rosemount, and it's quite a good venue. i wonder if people will like us and have us back there. i wonder who we'll meet, oh the buisness of it all. i think i'll just go there and have fun, i may even master the emo-leap. nahhhh.. i'd break a neck.

blogging is strangely cathartic today, i haven't done much, but i did get the car checked out, not alotta good it did, prolly only be able to fix it when i get back next year. which means, i might not be getting the haircut i planned on. dammit, i do want a haircut, and a crappy job to devote my time to. i gave my laptop a new burst of life when i deleted a tonne of videos and now have four more gigabytes worth of free space. i gotta watch it though, new mp3s might just eat away at that. i need to learn photoshop, i need to learn photoshop.

siyuan loaned me his digital camera for the mission trip to japan, hopefully i'll be able to get some good snaps, i've never really tried, hopefully wotever training i've had with film making will translate into still images. hopefully, hopefooly.

must pack for the end of the world...

not a good idea to squeeze
oh crud. sometimes you just have to say that, especially when you have a gaping pain in your chest, which probably came from an overstrain of driving a car with a crappy gearbox. man, it hurts to move, i wonder if broken ribs is this sensation amplified a thousand times. and i'm hungry.

where i will talk abit of the dinner i had yesterday, satay, salad and wine.. all at a pastor's house, man.. it was so good.. and i was soo blessed.. i love food. -) mebbe i'll zip off to bed soon, and i'm very happy that naruto chapter 239 is out already, kakashi's gaiden is an amazing read!

Sunday, November 21, 2004

squeeze something in ten minutes
well, gotta update before time runs out. basically, i've had a heck of a massive day, and man.. am i glad to be in the comfort of home to just stone out a little. but it was a good day, till about my gear box decided to collapse on me. apparently some hinges in my gearbox and my clutch are shoddy, and they decided to die out on me today. thank God for Roadside Assistance and free towing tomorrow, i just hope i can make it to the mechies, and get my car done up before i go back home..

home, on wednesday, i can't exactly believe it. it's been almost a whole year already..

Saturday, November 20, 2004

for a friend, from a friend
vincent, you're a God-send.. thank you so much for the friendship you've given me over the years and may God bless you on this very happy birthday! and from me too, happy birthday. it's been great knowing you, going on a journey with you, and it's my hope that you'll find wot you're looking for as you get older! keep seeking the Lord and He will make your paths straight. a true friend and brother indeed, cheers to more adventures!

thomas, you're a God-send as well! man, thanks so much for everything you've shared with me as friends, if there were a deeper level of friendship, you're there. you've taken us on a fantastic musical journey, and it is with great pleasure and honour that we can still jam together, share our music with each other as well as all our little naunces of anime and rockstar dreams! you've been a great down-to-earth pal whenever my head was too in the clouds, and been a constant support to my insercurities. God bless you on your birthday! and from me too!

indeed, these are very special friends of mine, and they both turn a year older on the same day. Happy Birthday dudes!

Friday, November 19, 2004

fall on your knees and be strong
wrote that lyric down today, and i guess it's kinda telling of my relationship with God. if anyone wants to follow me, he must first deny himself and pick up his cross daily. that's the Christian life somewhat, in order to draw closer to God, there must be less of us and more of Him. if anyone holds on to his life, he will lose it. such is the walk, it sounds harsh, but truely when you're walking with that sorta assurance, it's all worth it, and best of all, it all makes sense. there was a time when i enjoyed the darkness, the mystery of the darkness, the allure, the cool, the rebellion, the mystical, the things that set me aside and apart in the dark. but then, you realise it's not total darkness, because you still have some semblance of yourself, you know it's dark, it's dim.. and you think you're set aside. but trust me on this, that when you're walking in pitch blackness, when you're clawing desperately at the walls for someone to hear you, when it's so dark you can't even hear yourself, you can't see your hands, spiritually you are blind from not just the blackness, but quite literally, your eyeballs have been dug out and you're flailing about in claustrophobic space. then you'll see that the dark isn't so cool after all, and we're supposed to be walking in the light of His grace.
and the sun brings to light all the sins of the world.

and for a terrible mix, cotte's fruit mix and absolut vanilla just tastes like medicine. something new, but never should have been discovered.

Thursday, November 18, 2004

locked away
to my friends who are still doing exams or assignments, all the best and give it your best shot! God be with you all.. we'll see you soon on the otherside of the world.

i just had such a real dream yesterday. real in the sense that as i reached out to touch someone, i could almost feel this person. it was scary, because you're not supposed to have sensations in your dreams.

no more tearsu
not really a johnson & johnson's ad, but wouldn't it be nice? well, as you might already know, one of the things that gets me moving is watching warplanes jet off into the unknown horizon.

i was watching rambo ii the other day, and while it was in more response against all that metrosexual crap, needed some cliched 80's testosterone masculinity to balance out the social order of the twenty first century. anyhows, as much as they portray vietnamese as marauding savages, i did watch it also because the iraqi campaign has sort of been compared to the vietnam war, and well.. just to keep in touch with my feelings i suppose. but yeah, rambo's this war vet that has been screwed over by his government, and as we all know many people were against the war in vietnam. as such, rambo being a soldier was emotional and went on to say "just once, i'd like my country to love me as much as i love my country. while i won't say that blowing other people up shows your love for your country, but today many people are dying in Falluja, but Iraqis and Americans. maybe they don't know wot they're fighting for, because they dón't have the luxury of ethics and morals, it's kill or be killed. maybe they never expected to go to war, or the politicians are just using them as tools. having been a soldier once myself, i think about these things when i get the chance, because i didnt have much of a choice when i hooked up with national service, and i guess nobody on the ground asks for war, because we live on it. those in the sky, now they don't know wot its like. maybe you live in the sky too long, you very bored.

oh yeah, and i don't like this metrosexual fad because men can still be bastards whether they're 'metrosexual' or not. big up to the guys and girls who realise that, but if you can't look past the facade of slick short hair, fancy deodarent, shallow sensitivity and what not, then scrape the surface. live with a little more conviction.

Monday, November 15, 2004

a dog, an orange
we're safe, for now. today's title is kind of the working title i was mucking around with for the film, but i don't think its gonna work. it's actually a depiction of the alternate film if our current film was gonna fall apart. we'd film a barking dog and stop-animate an orange peeling itself against a white background. well, while that isn't gonna happen anymore, it could perhaps work as a title for a film about something totally else, yet.. it's got a strange relevance that doesn't make sense. i'm not too shure if that last statement was supposed to anyway, but it's nice not to make sense once in awhile.

i've been listening to the decemberists once again, and it's funny.. because i didn't really like their music in the past, but now i utterly do! well, i'm glad i'm rediscovering the good music, but it was probably always good to begin with. this is good honest music that uses very traditional songwriting instruments to just make something simple and special, where the artist really puts his soul and influences on the line for other listeners. wot we get is a deep conversation thru the quirky setences that they weave together, all gelled together by a forceful march of instruments that wait not for you if you can't seem to understand their choice of instrumentation. lovely indeedy, you'll get one song by them in the year-end compilation.

we had a really wonderful dinner of laksa just now, and it was great to have guest over. peivn invited jade, and i got derrick and yuanheng over. oh, it was so fun to laugh over the dinner table, to just have really in-your-face humour that keeps you back-pedalling because you just say the darndest things after a little champagne.. and well, over dinner us guys kinda got questioned wot we noticed about women first. oh crap, i said curves, and well.. while it's on a totally superficial level, i didn't feel a need to talk about her personality and brain matter over the dinner table, don't know why, but did that make me come across as really shallow?

hahahaha, oh well.. i guess you're entitled to think if i'm shallow, and i kinda know that if i further explain how i'm not shallow, i'm actually re-confirming all suspicions that i am. so don't try too hard folks! one dinner is not enough to cast an accurate depiction of yourself, and not that you should be too concerned about it as well! don't let it stop you from being yourself, if you hang out with people long enough, you slowly learn more about them, and they too learn more about you. it'll be natural, and you don't need to aim to impress. the longer you are in the buisness of PR and impressions, i guess the more jaded one becomes and actually doesn't know how to cast more than just a first impression, and that my friends.. is when you start panicking.

on a final note, was just musing to myself whilst walking somewhere, about how 'real' everything was around us. if i can see something, is it really 'me' seeing it, or is it just a lens capturing reflected light off surfaces, forming an upside down image on the retina which then somehow gets interpreted by the brain as the right side up? so in other words, we could be confined with just wot's cast on our retinas (which by now could be anything if you're paranoid enough), or how our brains interpret these so-called images. it can be somewhat spooky if you're dwell on it too much, kinda takes the fun out of living.

Saturday, November 13, 2004

we're inches away from anything
everyday, twenty or so denizens stop by this blog to get a daily taste of bananas. or bah-na-nah-s as we like to call'em. it's nice to know that this certain number of people drop by to take a look at your thoughts, it makes it seem almost worthwhile. i know we've been thru this a lot already, the 'significance' of reading this in the first place. well, i just wanna know i appreciate you even though i don't know you. you're kind of the reason why this blog still exists, and why i even bother to self-regulate.

and well, as with all things.. i'm kinda glad the year's coming to an end, real glad that i'm gonna see my folks and old friends soon, and also to be going on a mission trip to japan. it all seems so near, and yet i gotta stay here. which i don't mind save the least, but yeahh.. it's making me review the year and wot i've actually done with my life this time here. it sorta be almsot interesting -)

free mice
hey guess wot? australians can never get food right. imagine shock shock horror horror to my astonishment, that apart from junky tasting dim sims (salt-filled 'asian' pastries), they have soy-bacon called notbacon and best of all a new product called the sushi sandwich which is basically a triangular sandwich in the usual packaging, but instead of the wholesome grain goodness of bread, you get sushi, with soggy crumbed chicken fillet. its truely amazing wot you see in the supermarkets these days, makes you wonder why they havent put a man on mars yet.

nation states
just added this new link boo ware to my sites to visit list. it's a sydney based label with some of the cutest designs, i'm really contemplating getting a ghost family t-shirt done by them, or a dinosaur one. some things you just gotta have.

and finally i have time to report that arafat's gone off the face of the planet and that already the US and UK are busy poking their heads into fresh buisness of possibly things that don't concern them. i'm shure they're licking the lips, rubbing the palms and fiddling their thumbs with such a leaderless state, and how better to use the country for their own good. but lets just wait and see the soap opera that's gonna unfold.

in other news, is peace between palastine and israel really gonna happen? if so, is that a sign of the end-times? lets pay attention folks, be ever watchful.

Tuesday, November 9, 2004

the streets crackle with gunfire as explosions in the sky blanket the night's peace and tranquility. all around, the all seeing eyes of green take in the death and destruction of those caught in the middle. friend from foe, fly by wire, the systems of relationships crumbling beneath the hail of bullets and shrapnel. here new bonds are forged and old bonds are splintered, son hates father and mothers against daughters. once trusting friends cower in the face of the barrel of a gun, we're not painting pretty pictures, we're not telling like it is, we're telling you stories, scenes from the front. the people you see don't have the luxury to contemplate a hope or saviour in the face of imminent death. perhaps life doesn't just go fleeting by, it becomes an anti-climax of bleak nothingness. where life just standstills as the world goes by, born into a bubble that this is all we know. and then they return into the grey of nothingness, as if it never happened, for it was better than being alive. the scars of the mind, one wonders if such deep wounds can ever be healed, the ones you can't see, the ones that are killing you inside out, where your blood vessels never heal on their own. can't they see, can't you see, that we're not the only ones that are, that nothingness really isn't something, that nothing is really something, and to be thrown back into the dark void, or bright void of nothingness, is not just to cease to exist, to not just be lost into the cosmos, to not even be brought back to a point of singularity before the cause ever took shape.

we stare down the barrel of a gun, hoping to be sucked in away from all this. how far down can you actually see?

Monday, November 8, 2004

hold me now aveda
wow, quiet since saturday. quite unbecoming of me. well, uni's finally over and i'm picking up the pieces of unfinished assignments. i don't really have anything to say because i'm kinda stoned. we spent the day looking for books to research on for the assignment, then instead of starting on a reading plan, i wated an anime called sprigan which was kinda cool. but too much dulls the mind, especially when a day just sweeps you by like that.

oh yeah, i might as well gripe on the fact that i'm helping some random person on their final year sound recording project. she's gotten me to play bass parts for a terrible terrible band that got together playing evanecence's bring me to life and franz ferdinand's take me out. its progressive rock oh kay? with all the odd time tempo shifts. and i'm being sarcarstic if you're dumbass. well, this post wasn't meant to insult any of you, *sigh* i think the heat is just getting to me. and the fact that everytime i listen to the demo tracks, i feel like puking from the sheer lack of effort that went into playing something so scrappily. a waste of airspace and my lifespan just being part of the project.

Saturday, November 6, 2004

quote of the day
even if i don't post a daily quote. you know you and your friends have been reading too much french philosophy for a unit when after everything, you meet with your friends in the school library to watch a dvd in the dvd room, and he can't find the controls on the tv because they're on the top instead of the usual side and he goes:

wahh, this tv damn post modern. spewin'

Thursday, November 4, 2004

the superjesus

rhythm and r.e.m
if i'm sitting here staring the computer screen observing as black slowly fills wthe white of the text input box here in blogger and listening to digweed on my mp3 player, i think i'm on the path to cognitive disbelief. i have no idea wot i just said, all i know is that i'm sick and tired of bashing out random letters on the keyboard in the hope of sorting out the voices in my head regarding my assignment. especially when its supposed to be about random thought. gahhh, wots so random about selectively choosing random thoughts? i've been staring at this screen for too long, it doesn't talk to me and i feel alone. strange but true./.

Wednesday, November 3, 2004

as the world sings
the US elections today. is it so already? the grand finale to this year's biggest soap opera where the actors are real life improvised actors? where the deaths are real, and the stupidity is real, not like that jessica simpson crap. quite honestly, i don't follow much, i have smaller issues of my own to concern about. but i thought just for good measure, to jump on the bandwagon of more american hype and media.

if kerry gets elected, will we see the pull-out of troops in Iraq? if bush gets elected, will we see the Free Trade Agreement amended to better suit its allies in Australia. what will happen to Singapore, will we still be clamouring after the American way of life even more? will the American dream be the Singaporean dream?

sometimes, i think we give the United States too much credit, we inflate it's ego too much. sometimes, you wonder if they should mind their own buisness. but then, it's also a matter of time before we say that they should have helped in certain situations because they had the capacity to.

interestingly enough, because the world paints such a grand picture of these two major parties, we rarely give thought to the other minor parties that are seeking some sort of change. wouldn't it be something if some relative unknown suddenly came out from nowhere to lead a nation. those protest votes. hahahaha, they'd be caught with their pants down, never expecting to win, but having to scuffle out the toilet door just as the reporters clamour in wanting to ask them how they feel about winning. geeee.. i dunno, i was taking a dump when the news came in. it was spewin'! i'm so not taking this seriously.

so right now, from this side of the world, we're just observing, and since we can't vote, we'll just do our part and accept wotever the world throws at us. strive to get thru the day, rest, and get thru another day. the cycle repeats itself, one day at a time.

breakfast table musings
two crumplets are too much, one crumplet is too little. one and a half crumplets would be fine. don't put jam over cheese, put cheese over jam. this way, you won't be smudging your face with jam. crumplets are something like hotcakes with sponge holes in them. coincidentally, it's how i envision sponge would taste like. it doesn't exactly have a pin-pointable taste, kind of like a cross between hotcakes and a weird chemical polymer. which it probably is, i'm not discounting that fact.

a lot has been going on, but i feel as if i've not been going on. studying for a test right now, but actually i'm not, i'm typing this out. sometimes i underestimate just exactly wot life can throw at me, sometimes i think i'm indestructable. i'm not, i probably can't even sustain myself. why doesn't my brain just become as lazy as me and shut itself down? or why can't my personality be as hardworking as my other bodily functions, which always produce things on time.

jeannie, if you're reading this, you'll need an airport express hub or an airport extreme hub for your wi fi connection. basically the ibook will come airport extreme enabled, but you'll still need to connect to a hub. and as with apple products, you have to fork out money for specifically their products, it's a good way to take away your freedom too -) but it's a small price to pay for cool stuff. oh yeah, i'm not shure, but you might not need to buy a router for your PC if that's the case, because the airport extreme hub has a LAN/ethernet port, so this means you can only connect one other computer/client via a LAN/ethernet cable. i think the airport extreme hub supports up to 50 wi fi users. the airport express hub does not have this LAN/ethernet port (i think), so all it can do is support your client, and 9 more wi fi users.

my verdict is that the airport express hub is good and sufficient for home use, and the airport extreme hub is more for office use. ideally, you can take your airport extreme hub to uni, and support 49 other wi fi users around your study table -) i'm shure one could meet lots of interesting people that way -)

Tuesday, November 2, 2004

brian, you possess an interesting balance of hemispheric and sensory characteristics, with a slight right-brain dominance and a slight preference for visual processing.

Since neither of these is completely centered, you lack the indecision and second-guessing associated with other patterns. You have a distinct preference for creativity and intuition with seemingly sufficient verbal skills to be able to translate in any meaningful way to yourself and others.

You tend to see things in "wholes" without surrendering the ability to attend to details. You can give them sufficient notice to be able to utitlize and incorporate them as part of an overall pattern.

In the same way, while you are active and process information simultaneously, you demonstrate a capacity for sequencing as well as reflection which allows for some "inner dialogue."

All in all, you are likely to be quite content with yourself and your style although at times it will not necessarily be appreciated by others. You have sufficient confidence to not second-guess yourself, but rather to use your critical faculties in a way that enhances, rather than limits, your creativity.

You can learn in either mode although far more efficiently within the visual mode. It is likely that in listening to conversations or lecture materials you simultaneously translate into pictures which enhance and elaborate on the meaning.

It is most likely that you will gravitate towards those endeavors which are predominantly visual but include some logic or structuring. You may either work particularly hard at cultivating your auditory skills or risk "missing out" on being able to efficiently process what you learn. Your own intuitive skills will at times interfere with your capacity to listen to others, which is something else you may need to take into account.

psyche yourself out here. <-- click the purple link

this french philosopher dude suggests (to the best of my intepretative ability), that the present exists as a montage of the past and future. i'm not gonna go into any sorrid details, mainly because it just gets confusing thinking about it, but i just don't really see how anyone could apply this to film theory. in a huge way, yes, i feel dumb. are you dumb??? yes!!!

so yeah, a montage of past and present? jeepers! well, if you bother to think about it, or smoke magic shrooms as im shure this delauze chap did.. wot we have is now. we'll never gain the past again (can we go back in "time"?), neither can we stretch out and touch the future (again, can we actually?).. so yeah, the present exists.. within a frame, the extreme polar ends in between the past that just occured, and the future, that is just waiting to happen, a nanosecond later.

it's a montage, where we are right now is just a giant giant montage. daymn, i abhor these french wankers.

Monday, November 1, 2004

i used to want to own an apple product some two years ago, always wanting to make the switch. then, about this year, i decided that i didn't need an overpriced piece of hardware that too many 'cool' people had. today as i was helping jeannie seive thru apple's wireless technology, i thought that i might want an apple product all over again.

they really do look good, but when i think about practicality, i really wonder. do i need a wireless hub, so that any stereo i go to will be able to play songs from my itunes from my ibook? then, i think about pirated software, i'll have to pay for all my software, the professional stuff like pro-tools, reason, igarage, propellerhead.. gotta pay for everything full price! if i don't like windows, why don't i just learn linux instead? but of course my laptop just won't look asthetically appealing.

so at the end of the day, do i still need an apple? not when i can't afford a doctor..

shouting under a great sky
we're under the greyness of decaying world order. social structure is slowly disintegrating back to the savagery of the cellulor nature. arghhh stoppit, stop this nonsense, no more talking rubbish.

alright, not many updates, just that i hope i'll last the week in terms of academia. twenty three more days till i go back to spore!

Sunday, October 31, 2004

thursday on the radio
while we're waiting for the eggs to boil, i'll just pop a little good-will note onto this blog for the faithful. hey, that could be another band name, the faithful. wot immediately springs to mind are band names like the thrills. i'd like to play music like that sometime.

oh kay, apart from this being completely random, it's been a good day, a long day, but one fraught with wot sundays are made out to be.

our church here finally finished the purpose driven life campaign, and with a bang! was playing bass for extended worship, and man.. was it extended. the worship leader shared a little about how you can't really see the effects of your service by just availing yourself when you're on the worship roster, but so many people are touched by the presence of God during a worship session. God deserves all the glory and praise, and it's somewhat encouraging knowing you were perhaps a tool used in that purpose, by just being available.

to close things, lemme just share one of my favourite pictures of all time. i think one of the elements of cool photographs, is accidentally capturing the muse when she visits, to invoke that magic that makes a picture come alive. when it's not just colours anymore, but there's a swirling energy that flows within the trickery of light bouncing off surfaces:

walking in the light

this is james dean, a fine form of masculinity, circia 1955 along the streets of new york. everytime i look at this picture, it invites me and it's as if someone's holding my hand and taking me along those same streets, telling me wot life was like then.

Friday, October 29, 2004

the burden of hope
i've always said that hope weighs us down. i'm kinda glad that somewhere in portland, a band known as grails actually feel the same way as i do. you can read a review of their debut ep here. sorry i've been holding out, but i just popped in all these old mp3s which i downloaded eons ago, listen to them if you can. also, i'm pretty much convinced that radiohead's polyethylene is one of their best b-sides ever!

re-enacting scenes from a ressurected grave robber
just yesterday, i spent one internet session downloading music off pitchforkmedia. you can say i'm a happy bunny, because i've been on a shortage of music lately. it all started out with a slowly filling up hard-drive, so i figured i could use a short break from music. to prove to myself that it's not the biggest thing in my life. well, i stand convinced it's not the biggest thing in my life, but it's defintely a part of my life. in the space of four hours, i've discovered the joys of the dears, frausdots, tv on the radio, panda bear, the rosemount family reunion, grizzely bear... just to name a few. it's fuelled a bit of casual songwriting in me as well, but i'll keep it as that, casual and a bit.

in other news, i might be making my way back to spore on the 24th of november, before going to japan on the 29th. the may fled calander looks like two more gig dates before my departure, and that also means meeting up with long-gay for the busking project, leeson for our future, as well as putting out the annual brian morgan year end compilation. exciting things are being planned for the festival of our prodigal returnees!

wot do y'all think of houses as a band name. think it sounds pretty indie-rockish. much my influence of late since yesterday.

Thursday, October 28, 2004

crazy random things you find while surfing around the global forums:

say something else
something else. alright, may fled didn't make it through the semi-finals last night, so our hopes of winning small time competitions are dashed. should've joined a skater-emo punk band, they're more with it. or bring more friends. it's not that i'm sour, but the elimination process of this competition is hopelessly flawed. audience voting, which means, bring your friends, which also means this club is struggling, so we'll give you a shitty decent prize, but the real prize is that "we" manage to keep this club open! in fact, i'm convinced that its not the votes that mattered, but how many beers each band bought over the bar.

strangely enough, one of the blokes i met was adam of ex-pug jelly. he was playing guitar for his band four piece feed, and suprises of suprises, they are a four piece band! *rolls eyes* to sum the night up, there were two skater-emo-punk bands, a spacey rock and roll band slim pickin', and us. a nice varied night of music, i stand convinced that a lot of this sk8ter punk crap sounds the same. but it's the bread and butter of some juviniles, so i'll leave it as that. don't get me wrong, i love punk, just not the crap that some under-18s and get rich 30 year olds play. slim pickin' were good, but arrogant as heck. quite a turn off in the long run, but oh well, there are just some people you don't need to know.

as for may fled, i think we played one of our tighter sets last night, we got a few positive comments last night, dunno if they were just being courteous. but yeah, think we're all loosening up to the stage a bit, taking things as they come, growing the band through stage experience. sometimes you have a grand masterplan, but somethings, you just need to get out there and do.

if any leeson members are reading this, lets just get out there and play the circuit, lets even do freaking baybeats next year. a band has to work just as hard as it plays hard. keep rockin' kiddos.

Tuesday, October 26, 2004

frank the terrifying truely anarchic jumping bunny
there were a coupla things i forgot to mention. from the last post. this is kinda disgusting, but if you've been stuck in a studio with kerosene lamps burning for almost seven hours, your mucus becomes black! i startled myself when i happened to sneeze into the sink. it's horrid, and scaring to my breathing tracts. i'm shure if my body had a mind of its own in every cell, i'd basically seperate into a zillion pieces. funny, wot's keeping us together?

i'm shure there's more stuff i forgot, but i think im gonna make dinner and watch a dvd.

some kind of blank appeal
oh kay, i don't really have much time to say this because my dial-up session is going to time-out in about eighteen minutes time.

it's funny, how as that countdown draws closer, things get a little more hurried, a little more rushed, a little more urgent. about three and a half hours ago, it didn't seem this way. it was about 15 past nine, and i had a whole morning on my hands.

i wanted to nap, read a little, listen to music, play some guitar. in the end, i spent all my time online, doing absolutely nothing. i don't like it when i procrastinate like this. how i don't use my time wisely, and ultimately i'm just spending my father's money down here. sometimes i truely wonder if i'll ever make good. as you can see, i'm not the most dependable person around.

but as all this is happening, i managed to squeeze a refreshing shower in between. it is in showers, where i feel as if i have absolute time to myself sometimes. that's why sometimes i'm worried of showers, that i might never come out, i might not want to come out. but i always do, for some strange reason, i'm called out of my safety zone, to live, to just keep breathing.

i listen to interpol as i'm writing this, as well as a blur article in another window. when i listen to certain kinds of music, i think of my own bands. for now, i'm thinking of may fled, about being a three piece, about the direction, the style, the music. right now, i'm kind of appealed toward the raw, edgy dark sound that has not been playing lately, yet is at the same time being more and more rampant in certain sub-circles. as of right now, this present instant, i wanna embrace the punk's carefree attitude to music, to plug and play, unbridle, unbashed and full of energy. or to also just stand still and lay down that hypno-foundation. to not just play music, but to just play bass. then again, how inward looking is that. because it is in direct opposition of how i view music as a whole. just sometimes we feel this way.

and a thought burst into my skull just now. that if i can acknowledge that i feel for someone other than myself, that someone else's happiness is more important than my own, that i can become self-sacrificial, and in some way, prove the existence of love for a fellow human being. then it is insummountable truth that we are not supposed to live for ourselves alone. that we will never find those answers within ourselves but in other.s.

daymn knn funny

seriously, sorry i couldnt get the picture up here, tinypic doesn't host pictures larger than 250K. they should do something about that.

Sunday, October 24, 2004

look at me
nah, don't look at me.. you won't always find wot you're looking for. time seems to have just flown by over the past week, good and bad, some days you just wanna go by faster, some days you wished you had more time to make sense of it all.

i was just looking at a friend's livejournal, and i saw one of the replies i got for one of my own replies. sometimes, it really seems as if Christians and Non-Christians are living in totally different worlds. and it's funny how just some random sharing of personal experience can be seen as bible pushing.

if im just relating a personal account to you, it will probably involve God, because hey.. he's a massive part of my life. so if you have a better idea other than putting down the Christian faith, please share with your friend who's in need. cuz i think that when we're at our downest, we don't just want the truth, we wanna be shown and demonstarted that truth. so don't place your attention on my testimony, help your friend who's in need.

sometimes, there are so many people to help. and i get selfish at times.. because i fear as if i have no time for myself, no time to make sense of it all. but i reckon i'll never make sense of it all in this lifetime, perhaps that's why i have all eternity to find out. -) i could live with that. so, even Christians question their existence on earth, and apart from doing God's will on earth, i don't know wot else it could be. can we truely live for ourselves? it depends on our school of thought. if you believe that there is no heaven or hell, then.. i guess it makes sense that we can do wotever we like. but if we acknowledge the existence of a God that judges in the final days, how can we continue living for ourselves anymore? he's God for cryin' out loud!

so yeah, wotever your school of thought, you've put yourself in a situation where you actually believe something. even if you believe in nothing, it's still something. catch my drift? our mind's will never be able to comprehend nothingness. we have a pre-conceived notion of 'nothingness', but in essence, that is already something, you believe it is absent of something, or however you wanna paint it. see? it is something.

if i were to say to you, choose now? how would you choose? sometimes you ask me (or i ask myself), how do i know if God exists. it's everywhere, and it's also faith. faith, doubt, following blindly, being able to see invisible things.

Saturday, October 23, 2004

fell back on black days
haven't had much time to blog, which sometimes is a good thing -) just been a tad distracted in the swing of things, bass services are needed here and there.. sometimes dunno if it's a curse or blessing. .. ... of course it's a blessing! nah, sometimes its not just about me liking to play or not, but when it's service to God, one does so out of a joyful heart. i gotta scoot soon, worship practice as well as scott's engagement party! we'll see you soon!

Thursday, October 21, 2004

guns blazing
there's no time to shut up, there's so much time for repeated mistakes. i think i'm supposed to feel anxious about something, but i don't.. and sometimes i think as if i need some sort of constant re-affirmation. wheeeee.. but have i weathered thru the storm, or is it the calm before the storm. is nothing going to tear you away from me, except for my turning of the face?

may fled is playing this saturday evening.

guns blazing
i'm kinda blogging to let you guys know i'm still alive. hahaha, been a tad busy since the night i stayed up. truth be told, i slept at four that night/morning, and actually managed to wake up a bundle of joy to go for class. only i didn't go to class because when i met friends, we just chatted away.. quite sick really. they were screening mars attacks! at the lecture. i always did like tim burton movies.

well, thing us, right now i don't really have anything in my brain. i just haven't gone online at home the last coupla days, so i just wanted to see wot this realm looks like. if i responded to comments, it was done in uni. yay! we finished another video for church, but this one was easier.. cuz.. it wasn't really a video? just images words and music. but i think by God's grace, it looks like something, we were all tired anyhow. but don't use that as an excuse to do shoddy work for the Lord though, having said that.

so here we are, i'm just chilling out to a bit of jamiroquai, and planning my next game plan for the final push in terms of my studies for this semester, as well as new equipment!!! *roar* i do look forward to seeing my folks and all my old friends soon, yet there are so many things that i have left to do here as well. the end really isn't in sight.. it's amazing wot one year can do to you *grin*

Tuesday, October 19, 2004

dead air
just got out of the shower, and that was the phrase that hit me. the silence that isn't really silence, it's the sound of air not moving. it's a phrase that breathes a sensation of extreme aloneness, that you're the only one around. of course it isn't the case, i've got another housemate mulling around the house, but it's just the surrealism of it all. my senses are so sharp right now, i'm actually awake, in the dead of the night. but we know that the night isn't dead. thousands of insects and nocturnal creatures are scurrying around in the dark relying on their senses to do their nightly routine, vampire are travelling from home to home, feeding on the blood of humans, or rats if they can't bring themselves to kill humans. to them it's day, another time of day. what is day and night then?

we're in another world, my side of the world is resting, is still. on yourside of the world, the sun is shining and you're doing the things i would have done in the daytime. the world is round, but we have different times. am i from the future, or are you from the past. we have a set of rules saying who experiences daylight first, but i stress to you again, the world is round. there are man-made rules, and a man-made sense of time, and everything we've been brought up to learn is man-made, except the revelations of God that aren't taught by men.

let's scurry around while our senses are sharp -)

the second most screwed feeling
next to a magpie knawing thru your skull is napping at five in the afternoon and waking up at ten thirty in the evening! this is insanity, pure madness, unreal! and over-exaggerating. but you can guess my bubbling displeasure..

it's bubbling thru my ears so much that, i think i might not be able to get back to sleep. i will dream sleepless dreams and of wild horses dragging me thru the streets of calcutta..

i muse, for there is not much else to do.

well, shooting for the film is done! very glad, very glad! mad props to all the crew if any of you are reading this. and if you see any of the crew members along the streets of WA, just give'em a nice hearty pat on the back! this i might add, is not a screwed feeling.

so there we go, up at midnight. i think there's a song about this out there..

Sunday, October 17, 2004

the hour of reckoning
if you've checked back here after the week, i thank you for you continued readership, of making this inane blog just a little fraction of wot your life usually is. it's my pleasure to share in your life a little in mine, as i share in yours.

when i last left, i mentioned that i had lost sight of certain things. i'm not exactly shure if i've found my tracks again, but the last week has been one of focus. on continued and undivided attention to editing a video that was meant for church. seriously, all that glamorous talk by media students before me about the joys of editing till dawn came true over the last week, and i dare say.. there was defintely a rise in experience. sometimes, one just has to expose oneself to the field he's in to just apply wot he's learnt and appreciate the strange fragile situation one can be in. fading in and out of reality and the subconcious.

it was a good break from blogging, i feel glad that after this exercise, i don't feel as if i'm blogging to gain you, the reader's approval on my life. that i'm confident of the things i tell you, not aiming to impress, but to inform. yeah, it does feel as if some inner blogging demons have been exorcised. i'm now a happy blogger.

Saturday, October 9, 2004

my dear cell! i'm very short..

spur of the moment
gonna take a short break from blogging to collect some thoughts. i think i've lost sight of certain things, and yes.. this is a spur of the moment decision. but i'll stick to it till next saturday, the 16th of october. check back then, we'll see you later!

i could've told you that
y'know how it is when you perhaps see a friend come to a certain realisation, and you think to yourself i could've told you that. dunno if you're guilty of that or not, but i think when we start feeling that way, we start putting ourselves over them, we start controlling our friends to become like us. and perhaps we do it, because we're not confident of the paths and realisations we have about ourselves, and thru some twisted way, that's how we solidify our identities even while we're trying to be unique. we become alike. it makes us feel wanted, and accepted on a very surface level.

so yeah, before we start blabbering on about all our revelations to our friends, or feel slighted when they stumble upon a revelation that you had long ago stumbled upon yourself, instead of feeling the above mentioned way, it's a celebration that they've found out certain things themselves. and it had nothing to do with you, because sometimes our friends just have to lead their own lives.

Friday, October 8, 2004

devestator vs superion!

quite possibly my favourite out of those that have been circulating around the internet. it strikes a chord in me, having been at the recieving end of this poster's closing clincher. wot a winner!

wot do you really want to hear?
you know how when a fever is just looming, your whole body goes into this sensitive premonition. every stretch of your muscle is strained and breaking tensile deficit. it doesn't help when a sore throat rips your vocal tract everytime you swallow air. air bloody hurts. and daymn lozenges! where the hell are they!?! i'm shouting all i can now, simply because i can't do it in real life. plus it didn't help that i was laughing till my guts exploded after eating beef rendang. unholy combination. all i can do now is to sip on honeyed water. and perhaps catch twenty seven winks.

tomorrow. tomorrow will be better. today i just bask in the thought of knowing that our film crew is still on that right track.

Thursday, October 7, 2004

wot i wished for you
sipping tea with the kiat-ster and musing about the illogical led to this beautiful moment, where we mused that at this very instant, this very moment, all over the world, all over every tangible thing that existed, in the physical realm and the realm of our minds. the people, the trees, the wind, the sun, the rain, the snow, the heat, the birds, the insects.. every single thing was in its right place.

Tuesday, October 5, 2004

remembering tomorrow, blaming it on a black star
aiyah.. my mind's not exactly in the right frame now lah.. kinda phasing inbetween pissed off and laughing it off

even now.. mannn.. i can't seem to tell if my friend's joking or serious

electric cowboy:
nah you'll be alright tomorrow morning

electric cowboy:
ur not the sort who harps on things...

hahhahaaha.. gee man, i dunno
it seems very fashionable to be a brooder

and people get all concerned and go,, heyyy.. are you oh kay??? need a cookie??

electric cowboy:
hahaah brooder

electric cowboy:

this is me now i guess, phasing in and out. caught between the past and present. seeing just how a friend now, sees me against a friend who's from the past. he's right, i don't exactly harp on things anymore. usually, i think harping gets us no where, and we wallow in self pity thinking about why the world still goes round and round and round.

because of silly thinking like that, i stopped musing openly.. weighing other people down with my own burdens. and slowly also, i took on the persona of someone who laughed at the folk knocking themselves against the dead end. slowly, everything is harmless came into play, and the more i thought of that, the more it made sense. in the end everything is harmless. wot can touch you? wot can phase you? if God is for you, who can be against you?

it's not that i'm against brooders, sometimes i get jealous of brooders. at the ripe age of twenty two and beyond, people like to write nice comments, philosophise with each other about these things, it's celebrated somewhat. and then, my insecurity is that i get treated as some kind of simpleton (but no way did electric cowboy mean that, he kinda knows where i come from). but it's just an insecurity, its silly too. but it's just kinda sian sometimes, where was that support back in the hey days?

but in the end, everything is harmless.. and i just had to get it out somewhat. and mebbe the more i type, the more i want to solidify that, the more i hope to get over that silly insecurity. that people will misunderstand me. it also gets in the way, because then i start building up all this pride about my own identity, which shouldn't be happening, we all gotta learn to surrender and let go. free ourselves from our own self-inflicted shackles.

for my hope is not in the things of flesh, but in the Lord.

if and when we do complete our film and manage to pull it off, you'll be able to see one of the prettiest little girls there are out there acting in our little fiasco. right now, we don't just owe it to ourselves to do a good project, but to the actors and talents who are setting aside their time to act in a lousy uni production. yeah, we owe them that much, and we hope that our humble offering does them justice for the perfect piece which they cast into their characters. i wish i could show you a pic of 'lil beverly, but i think we ought to respect her privacy. soon! when the film is done!

workin with children is defintely an experience. we're so blessed to have found someone like her. working with children is not just about telling them wot to do, its so much of accomadating them, and coaxing them into releasing their childlike splendor. in fact, i feel almost evil exposing them to the evils of film making, to the evils of life at such a tender age. it's sad, when children slowly lose their innocence. just working with them, as derel put, made us realise how much we had given up. all the beauty you possess, could be found in the eyes of a child. i'm sorry, there's just this melancholic air when i think about it, about having children of my own one day. we can only pray, that our children grow in the footsteps of the Lord. and if you can't understand the concept of guilt and sin, just perhaps look at a child, any child.. and perhaps that was wot it was meant to be? we're too intelligent for our own goods sometimes.

Monday, October 4, 2004

hevaen in a cupcake part ii
i forgot to mention why i titled this entry as above.

it's because at dru's party, his sister jade made these awesome gooey chocolate cupcakes. they've got a fancy name for it, but i can't remember. anyhow, it got my saliva glands secreting non-stop that i had to go home at eat nutella. and i still can't get enough!! i'm full, my my mouth wants to taste that sticky goo-ey feeling all over again!

if you haven't figured out by now, i love dense sticky chocolaty things.

and they just showed taxi driver on channal ten. now i know why yuanheng likes it, i kinda like it too. an alternate look on everyday society, mebbe it set some kind of stage for glamourised anarchy? or offered another view i think i'll stick with the latter. and i had no idea cybil sheperd acted in it? always thought she was really pretty back in her younger days. and darkling jodie foster was in it too. great to see all these actors still around today, and wot they were like back in those years. i think temporal distance adds some some sort of contrived realism in movies. that people do grow old. they age. they don't stay 35 forever like they do onscreen -)

oh yeah, and jade also made a most awesome baby spinach and rockket salad, baked chicken with chili and chocolate plus pasta salad. i think eating such good food, re-sparkled some sort of culinary interest once again. lately i think i've been cooking far too practically. been trying to cook with as little utensils as possible. cooking is fun, cleaning up isn't. but i think i ought to take more pride in my preperation. we're supposed to have a massive cookout when i get back to spore at the end of the year!

heaven in a cupcake
it's nice when people praise you for your playing, and you know that when people in church encourage you for your playing, they don't mean it for you to be swell-headed. and i don't play because i'm good or i'm at a certain level, i just play because i can. i serve because i can, and God has given me something, am i'm just giving back as worship. we don't have to feel that we need to be of a certain level, we just should serve in any form, just because he called us to. when Jesus washed His diciples feet, it wasn't because he was qualified to, but that should be the nature of our hearts when it comes to God.

well then, after church peivn and i went to freo and had lunch with jo, walked the markets abit and just basically caught up. well, it was all good fun, a nice lazy afternoon, sunday's before holiday mondays are like that. it's nice to relak once in awhile. while it's arguable that i'm always too relak.

and then got home, napped for almost 3.5 hours! goodness.. slept until i got a headache. crap, it's still in my brain, but my eyes aren't that tired. and then we popped by dru's place to celebrate his 20th birthday. suprised him from behind the kitchen counter because we missed the initial suprise, and he got a shower curtain as a present from peivn and me. when in doubt, get practically useless gifts. because it's not useless, and it'll come as a unique suprise. betcha no magazine or lifestyle infotainment tv program ever thaught you that. hah!

goodnight everybody!

Friday, October 1, 2004

finally, coffee and tea
perth is boring, that is one of the reasons why i write. it didn't use to be boring, it got boring today. i could be doing homework. no i should be doing homework. but i've been idling so much thinking that nothing touches me. but it touches me and it hurts when i don't get anything done. i always start off on the right foot, and end up tripping because i've got two right feet.

then i eat scones with rasberry jam. hey.. it's the least one could do at times like these. oh, and don't forget a cuppa coffee. it's nice to drink half a cuppa and half a cup of milk. as if perfection existed in a brew. sometimes, maybe, perhaps.

last night i dreamt
that somebody loved me
no hope no harm
just another false alarm

last night i felt
real arms arounds me
no hope no harm
just another false alarm

- the smiths, last night i dreamt that somebody loved me
(mp3 supplied my leodi)

been listening to a lot of interpol's latest album, antics, kindly burnt by paul. hypnotic eye closing music. speaking of music, download music at very spiffy space, even features two sporean artists in the international slew. chekkit to chekkout!

Thursday, September 30, 2004

may fled. feels like chinese new year.

the new song
oh, i could have been working on an essay, but no.. i went down to scott's place with paul so that we could jam. a much needed release in it's own right. well, we had beer, looked at our gig footage, laughed at our mistakes and dissed each other's playing. then we hit the room and wrote a daymn new song. it's pretty daymned wicked, great locking down groove with scott.. very indie-ish.. nu-wave interpolisque guitars and drumming. all in all, we had sucha blast making up some great hooks and build-ups for an exciting new song! aren't may fled days just too darned interesting?

Wednesday, September 29, 2004

onwards, bright lights, stop and fight
yikes, i'm kinda blank now. just got back from uni, and then i automatically came online because i had been wanting to blog. but as usual, i'm blank, i don't really know wot i'm supposed to be saying, or wot i should be updating. in some sense, i don't really know wot to say, if i should be saying anything at all, or if i want to say anything.

but then again, here i am, pouring out my heart towards you, my unseen but faithful audience.

hmmmm.. perhaps a bit of updates just to get the ball rolling.

we're looking at a busy week next week, with an essay due at the end of the week, helping out in mitty's film for about three days, my own film project which requires my undying attention. there's may fled plans and jams probably, the usual church commitments. wot else do i wanna do? that's right, i want to burn all my mp3s into cds, so that i can finally free up some space on my laptop. i know i said that months ago. this time.. i will procrastinate less. ermmm.. catch up with work? can't forget that.. prepare for mission trip? jeepers.. i don't think im really looking forward to next week. doing so many things really doesn't put your life into perspective, remember that kids!

anyhows, to take things one step at a time, going to jam with edmund later. hopefully it'll be fun.. i just wanna sort of space out for the two hours or so.. just being caught in a moment, chasing after the muse. maybe i'll write a song sometime.. been a musician for so many years.. but i've never really written a song that stood the test of time. not that i've written that many songs.

and i also wonder wot the non-blogging community thinks about us folk who do blog? well, it's just a hobby.. i don't attach too much value to my musings. and i guess i'll thank each and everyone of you who still bother to read some random thoughts from my brain. i guess i'm not out to change the world thru this.. mebbe it gives me some sense of relief that someone out there is listening, but not necessarily have to agree. is that all there is to it? well, it was fun.. still is fun. in pursuit of hedonism?

Monday, September 27, 2004

frankfurt to home
have you guys checked out the analog girl before? support sporean artists, there really is some talent. even if it 'sucks', think about some raw talent out there. local art will never take off if there is no support, but we still keep doing wot we do in all the ways that we can. in that way, we will never die.. art cannot be created or destroyed, it is converted in one form to another. but even so, i think it'll fade away some day..

finding yourself
we're not exactly contemplating much really. not now, not much.. life's been a nice slow, very thankful. have had time to take a break from work, make sense of things, meet up with friends, meet up with self, have you been meeting up with God? sometimes we all take a break from things, even taking a break from God. not exactly the best ideas. i think perhaps its when the things we normally do for Him, we start doing for ourselves and run on our own strength, then it becomes dreary and weary. or when we take things too lightly perhaps. true we surrender, but we can't also sit back an 'imagine' the work gets done. the key word here is 'imagine'. we live a life of faith, not dreams. like in naruto: ny dreams are only in the past. don't dream through your future..

also, who sticks by you at your weakest, most disgusting and slimey, dirty and grimey, when really.. no one human could ever show you love. God's the one through it all. -)

Saturday, September 25, 2004

bearer of gifts and ill news
right, i can only stay awhile, but i've been downloading ambient electronica off this site : ryoondo-tea. ethereal trip outs, don't let the lights go out. hope it makes you glad.

not been doing much in real life except work and avoiding work. postings when i've got more time folks!

Friday, September 24, 2004

hearts and youth
its interesing to read the archives of this blog. i never gave it much though, these archives. never once had i written anything on this blog that was meant to be kept for historical purposes. i approached the subject of blogging and typing these thoughts down as violent cathartic releases that spasm out when you least expect them to. if i wanted to remember something, i'd write it down, if i wanted to tell you something, i'd tell you. but these, as with the old website were all random ramblings. not for archival purposes, a social experiment if you will, as to the inconsistency of life in general.

so it just proves that life's changed, and i've changed since the inception of this blog. it makes me wonder if i've been stowing away in myself. nay i say, i think i've been more marco in my outlooks, however, in some twisted way, the marco is also microing my outlook, if all i can look is the macro. y'see, have i forgotten to be human and sensitive to important feelings when they do strike? or do i throw caution to the wind, and write just how i really feel off at these junctions in life? but i guess that's why He still allows me to live on, there's more to find out for His glory.

stay posted folks

Thursday, September 23, 2004

bold streaming
may fled played their first public gig today at the castle. it wasn't too bad, but it wasn't too good either, attributing the sloppiness to a lack of practice. but all in all it was good because we made it to the semi-finals (they were supposed to choose 2 out of 4 playing bands, but only 2 bands turned up), and we also managed to secure a paying gig next sunday afternoon. that should be interesting, our first paying gig. well.. i'm kinda excited, at least we're getting regular slots hopefully, and more importantly, getting paid to further fund our demo.

Wednesday, September 22, 2004

choosing between living and dying
the future is a catalysmic forelon one. to some we're already dead, to another it's worth living for, there is a value on human existence that is un-valuable. perhaps there is a future to live for or to die in. i'm not really here to tell you how to live, mebbe im still figuring it for myself. sometimes you think you've got it figured out, i'm quite glad i'm put in my place with these things. guess after all these years, i still enjoy terminator 2: judgement day. guess there are many themes that happen in that film, which are subject to argument, but i kind of like the present hope it gives. not that the world will turn out alright, or that even people will turn out alright. i don't know.. something about carrying on the war, it starts now, and it doesn't stop till you're dead. guess all i can do is wish you godspeed in your own battles.

Sunday, September 19, 2004

the past is entertaining sometimes. today's title is my very first online alter ego. it was a time when napkin man was known as ^PeaceD^, and it brings a embarressed grin that i still can't spell, and that i'd fashion a nickname after a friend who introduced me to the mIRC. i mean, phaser was purely my own doing, but puting two ||'s was like some kinda homage to wot i thought was cool. so now you know, some stupid 'lil inane history lesson that should broaden your world view and increase your intelligence ten fold. tomorrow when i share the reason why i blog, you will develop light-speed engines and discover the empirical value to the meaning of life.

so there we have my life on a platter, see you when i get back to spore for those in spore. im kinda missing it there somewhat, having been here for so long already -)

Friday, September 17, 2004

alternate realities
when you come back late at night, in between sleep, shower and readings, one's mind can start to wonder. tonight, at dawn, it started to wonder back to young love. as far as young love goes, i was really into two crushes, and i have never fallen into love. tonight i thought back to my second crush, and how she made me feel, and we keep in touch somewhat, and i can see her pictures and see how happy she is. and perhaps it'll always get to me that she's happy. don't get me wrong, i really love to see her happy, it's hopefully not some kind of foolish pride on my side, but yeah.. she always had the sweetest smile and the most down to earth personality. she could dress up in sparkling diamonds, but she couldn't hide that she was still the girl next door. that sort of kindness, as i look back now, is perhaps wot i'm looking for right now.

and it's not envy i feel, but for her to have someone else, those two must be really happy. i dunno, but i'd treasure something like her, even though i can't say i've never really known her more than i've already known her. the utter reality of it all ? that i'm not allowed to second guess wot i've yet to feel? perhaps, but at least i know now that i'm not looking for a trend, or a passing phase.. at least tonight, in the surrealism of beauty, fading in and out of then and now.. i've found a constant, something that exists hopefully in somebody out there. a quality, that warms my heart, even after it's been cold for so long.

yeah, she will warm my heart again.

Thursday, September 16, 2004

geek in me : gillian anderson is just fine...

go-kart shopping
went rig hunting with jon today, and it was quite fruitful. buying a rig is such long term planning, and as it looks like right now, i have a few options.

eden-nemesis nc210
anything but evil
this is the sweetest plug and play combo amplifier i've seen in awhile. i was a bit reserved about solid state combos because i've always wondered whether it could fill a room. i tried this 'lil one out, and she rocks. fills out the room like a beauty. well, i exaggerate, but she sounds fine, smooth as hell for bassing, warm too. not overtly tight as the next baby i'll mention. the good things about the nemesis is that i can start gigging straight away, practice will be a breeze. it's got so many line-out options, i'll be able to rig up another cabinet or slave another poweramp and cabinet to have a monstrous rig. so all in all, this is a good start, and will probably see me thru my stay in perth. only problem is that i was thinking of taking a pre-amp system back for holidays so i got something to gig with, record with.. y'know.. just something to do some casual tone-sculpting if need be. jon assures me direct in is the best bet. well, if that's the case, i wouldn't mind lookin' for some kick arse pre-amp stompboxes that might work that majik. such as the mxr bass di.

wawrick 211
damn! she's the sweetest and tightest 'lil monster around!
this little one here is a beauty. two 10-inch speakers and a bright tweeter that makes everything you play seemed squeezed from its gonads. very good for tightening out and having clarity in your tone. i first though of getting her and borrow jon's rig in the meantime, and he can always borrow it to augument his rig anytime too. in fact, this baby will basically work for the both of us.

so the issue right now, is which to get first. i'll get more dedicated power if i take the wawrick first, and possibly have a bigger sound. but it means i don't exactly have an amp of my own. getting the nemesis means that i can gig without borrowing jon's rig, at the expense that i might get drowned out. i was thinking that i might box myself in with the nemesis in that i can't break out of its mold, but as it looks like, it's really ideal for the kinda music i do. it's great for practice and the casual jam now and then. in fact, it frees me up for so much more gear because i got one side covered. like, jon can get a poweramp for his current, and i can always borrow it, and complement it with the wawrick if and when i finally do get it.

man, it's like transformer gesalts, combining all those different parts for the monster robot. yes, i do want a kick-arsed rig. it's every bassplayer's dream!

Tuesday, September 14, 2004

for we may not survive the night
hello. just like the sound of that, it's almost romantic. despairity and a companionship with someone of spending your last moments together. i don't really know wot that feels like, i can only imagine. i don't know if i want to feel like that, whether its too much for me to give, and too far for me to go. mebbe it scares me, mebbe i've retracted myself from this 'loving you' bit. mebbe i actually don't believe in it anymore, and i'll only let you down. mebbe all i can give, is the neutral kind of love that you can depend on, but not the romantic kind where i give my heart to you and only you. because so many of us still need love, and i cannot just give myself to only you. would it be selfish in that way?

walking on the sun
i walked out this morning because it was getting to cold in the house. as the sun warmly touched my skin, not overtly crispy but sensuously sizzling, i was happy. when i looked up, i saw an unfamiliar sky, unlike the sky in spore, and whilst we're all underneath the samw big sky, i could acknowledge that i was in another world, another paradigm. behold, it was good.

Monday, September 13, 2004

first things first, the news. leeson is now online. this is an important milestone in personal history.

i think the title phrase "shaddap" just hasn't been typed out by anyone in quite awhile, that it looks strangely peaceful and calm. its almost like it isn't telling anyone to shut their traps. well, i think the letters go together nicely, kinda like "yelp"

and so it goes, that this is the end, that this is the begining of everything that is to come to pass.

just got home. i'm like all smug, but there isn't anyone to smug to because they're all asleep. so yeah, it's not about smugging to the person next to you, more than it is about having confidence in wot you do. you may have done the most important thing in the world, but if they're just not interested, you just can't force them.

but anyhow, i spent 1630 till 0100 in the editting suites. my group members spent longer. and we didn't even get the whole thing done. it's scary this degree of elusive perfection we're trying to concieve. but in some strange way, this documentary about nothing in particular is slowly making us fall in love with it. shure we get tired, and disgusted by the sheer magnitude of it all, but she's got a hold on us, and we just can't get enough.

i just mentioned something to the guys regarding the value of our documentary. and trust me, it came as just a spout, but hell, even i would be impressed. we're doing a documentary about exclamations, and so in the fear that we might be seen as seperating ourselves too much because we're an all sporean group, and we're sharing so much about spore, we were concerned we'd be seen as snootish.

but the essence of it all, is that we're studying language, why we're still attracted to saying all the same sporean things even whilst in perth. because if all we had were ozzie friends, a certain part of us would die. the part that we grew up in. why we say nabei or kan ni nah, little taken for granted things like that. we would literally fade away if we didnt get a chance to say it while in perth. and perhaps we're trying to survive, preserve a certain part of our being simply from the language and exclamations we use. and perhaps why nostalgia seems to help sustain our survival. well, it does sound believable..

Sunday, September 12, 2004

absence without thought
hey guys, so sorry for being caught missing in action since tuesday. but y'see.. my cell and film crew decided to play a prank on me. basically, they exchanged my room with the dining room, paper-machayed my car and poured cream, flour and eggs onto my frail human form. in fact, they put in so much effort, it would be wrong to feel as if they saboed me, but rather, i have to see it as like a great effort for a suprise party. and i was genuinely suprised. either that or i'm superbly gullible. prolly a combination of both.

so not really much updates, same'ol same'ol.. now that the computer's back online, i can update more frequently! thanks for all your birthday wishes everyone! really appreciate them whilst i'm in perth! gonna have to turn in early, massive day morrows, starting with church at eight. tas!

lest we forget
just thought of the best way to destroy the singapore armed forces. instead of declaring "nationwide nsf day", basically, every single nsf now, signs-on with the millitary. they will be unable to cope with such labour constraints, and pretty soon, with the gahmen saturating its budget into defence (ie, paying for incompetence), pretty soon the war machine will cave in on itself and implode. you see, the only reason why national service has been able to survive this long is because they pay me (nsf) a quarter to a fifth of say wot a regular would get, thus allowing the defence budget to not blow up in the face of patriotic numbnuts who refuse to think farther than the barrel of a gun.

just imagine the scenario of the recruitment officer when your entire BMT school one sends in an application to sign on. and why should anyone turn us down for such an important and noble cause? that we should serve for it? we wanna take it one step further, we want to COMMIT to the DEFENCE of our NATION! SINGAPORE BOLEH!!! MERDEKAHH!!! LKY is my LIM PEI!! daymn. i shure love the the days spent in the army. i should have signed-on and made mediocrity the motto of my life.

dear friend
dear jeannie, you wrote me a most heartfelt birthday greeting. love you loads.
dear vinz, you gave me shout-outs and friendship
dear cherie, thanks for your awesome card that reminds me so much of all that needs reminding
dear ian, thanks for remembering
dear jo, thanks for the card
dear cell : jos, peivn, charles, angie, angela, evelyn, jimmy, jess, amy, james, you are tremendous support, big part of perth life
dear elps, thanks for still reading
dear yuen, your kind words make me smile
dear film-crew : gaurusawa, uncle d, syrian, thanks for the pure madness
dear folk back home, i love you lots, thank you for loving me
dear mayfled, thanks for the jams
dear thomas, thanks for keeping in touch

everyone, thank you so much from the bottem of my heart.

Tuesday, September 7, 2004

if i had the power to create, wot would be first?

something magical's going to happen
we just got back from the cold outside. we being me. i use the collective, because sometimes i believe i'm really all these different people in one body. they don't clash and they get along pretty well. it's not that i have an identity crisis, it also stems from a twisted way of avoiding the attention to self, because after all this time, there really isn't anything about self. so we try to spread the ugliness apart, in the hope that people won't notice.

so lets get raptured and forget the rest ever happened.

if we were so selfish.

we(plural) had been working on the documentary after so long. and i think the break was really well needed. we have a new vigor for it, as well as a closer deadline. some of us crack under pressure. we might still, but i think in this case, we're gonna tighten the reigns pretty much so, and in the end, have something we're proud of. i dunno, the four of us working on moving pictures. if there was a band, perhaps there could be a crew of sorts with a constant vision. a collective of creative ability. and i dunno how we could all view ourselves, but there's something about being maverick, and lawless. a unit of well-oiled mercenaries that get the job done. striking without fear, fluid as water and sharp as a bullet. professionals who never take longer than wots needed, and never less than wots expected. i dunno, role-playing is fun, and that's wot i like about the collective. the singular in the multiple, the ability to bounce and feed off one another like vampires. represented as a unit, or by a figure-head, it makes no difference when the medium is established, and the shocking death is released upon our scorched earth.

Monday, September 6, 2004

borne out of necessity
into a dream
i took a turn
and promised to return
the way we were
the way we met
the way i lit your cigerette
the way it trails
into a stream
and lay down between

- tonight it shows, mercury rev

been following a little on the tragedy in Beslan, and its a really sad story. the spirit of violence that is sweeping through the world. how perhaps when one voice wants to be heard, it screams to be heard over the sea of people. how some people physically act out their ideals, and look down on those around them, but herding them as sheep.

pray for them before you rest tonight

i wonder if my heart has grown up somewhat, and i hope it doesn't grow apathetic just to protect myself from hurt. it's happened before, and it was easy to not weigh the world on my shoulders. but now, i've been learning for awhile now, i was not meant to live alone like that. i may not always have friends, but i'm not meant to be alone. and i thank God for family and friends alike, who're God-send angels in their own right. i know i'm not always there, but my prayers go out to you. we try to be our best, sometimes it's tiring, sometimes its invigorating. i mourn the loss of friends, or the disappointment vice-versa. so now, i try to care, not in my own strength, because my own strength fails me. i can't or won't be who you want me to be, i can only give you this much, sometimes i give more, sometimes i give less. i will fail you even if i tried not to. such is the way of the human phileo love. i've learnt not to long for a person who isn't there, i dunno if i've lost heart, i can't discern right now. only now, i am glad, because it's not a priority. but maybe i still do need someone, to help in the work. when it happens, it'll happen. but don't mistake the lack-lustre attitude for that of someone who is unable to love.