when you come back late at night, in between sleep, shower and readings, one's mind can start to wonder. tonight, at dawn, it started to wonder back to young love. as far as young love goes, i was really into two crushes, and i have never fallen into love. tonight i thought back to my second crush, and how she made me feel, and we keep in touch somewhat, and i can see her pictures and see how happy she is. and perhaps it'll always get to me that she's happy. don't get me wrong, i really love to see her happy, it's hopefully not some kind of foolish pride on my side, but yeah.. she always had the sweetest smile and the most down to earth personality. she could dress up in sparkling diamonds, but she couldn't hide that she was still the girl next door. that sort of kindness, as i look back now, is perhaps wot i'm looking for right now.
and it's not envy i feel, but for her to have someone else, those two must be really happy. i dunno, but i'd treasure something like her, even though i can't say i've never really known her more than i've already known her. the utter reality of it all ? that i'm not allowed to second guess wot i've yet to feel? perhaps, but at least i know now that i'm not looking for a trend, or a passing phase.. at least tonight, in the surrealism of beauty, fading in and out of then and now.. i've found a constant, something that exists hopefully in somebody out there. a quality, that warms my heart, even after it's been cold for so long.
yeah, she will warm my heart again.
Friday, September 17, 2004