Tuesday, October 26, 2004

some kind of blank appeal
oh kay, i don't really have much time to say this because my dial-up session is going to time-out in about eighteen minutes time.

it's funny, how as that countdown draws closer, things get a little more hurried, a little more rushed, a little more urgent. about three and a half hours ago, it didn't seem this way. it was about 15 past nine, and i had a whole morning on my hands.

i wanted to nap, read a little, listen to music, play some guitar. in the end, i spent all my time online, doing absolutely nothing. i don't like it when i procrastinate like this. how i don't use my time wisely, and ultimately i'm just spending my father's money down here. sometimes i truely wonder if i'll ever make good. as you can see, i'm not the most dependable person around.

but as all this is happening, i managed to squeeze a refreshing shower in between. it is in showers, where i feel as if i have absolute time to myself sometimes. that's why sometimes i'm worried of showers, that i might never come out, i might not want to come out. but i always do, for some strange reason, i'm called out of my safety zone, to live, to just keep breathing.

i listen to interpol as i'm writing this, as well as a blur article in another window. when i listen to certain kinds of music, i think of my own bands. for now, i'm thinking of may fled, about being a three piece, about the direction, the style, the music. right now, i'm kind of appealed toward the raw, edgy dark sound that has not been playing lately, yet is at the same time being more and more rampant in certain sub-circles. as of right now, this present instant, i wanna embrace the punk's carefree attitude to music, to plug and play, unbridle, unbashed and full of energy. or to also just stand still and lay down that hypno-foundation. to not just play music, but to just play bass. then again, how inward looking is that. because it is in direct opposition of how i view music as a whole. just sometimes we feel this way.

and a thought burst into my skull just now. that if i can acknowledge that i feel for someone other than myself, that someone else's happiness is more important than my own, that i can become self-sacrificial, and in some way, prove the existence of love for a fellow human being. then it is insummountable truth that we are not supposed to live for ourselves alone. that we will never find those answers within ourselves but in other.s.

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