Sunday, January 11, 2009

respectfully, i decline.

this evening had me feeling rather out of sorts. if you were on plurk, i mentioned that i was feeling hostile.

i wonder why, was it the throngs of people younger than me dressed in fine indie-threads (maybe not fine, but arguably indie-styled)? what was the insight or pre-disposition i was gleaming from their collective flocks?

i dunno, maybe there was a bout of self-loathing, of the empty reassurance we get from hanging out with our friends, and dressing ourselves a certain way to express our identity while not rocking the status quo. even if it's the status quo of our social circle.. it was the need to belong to something, or some people. and it was in the myriad of different cultures and groups of friends that i saw a reflection of my own weakness.. for dressing up a certain way, for being accepted a certain way.. for being acknowledged a certain way.. and while i wasn't active in my self-loathing.. it was there passively, eating away at my psyche..

how worthless i was, and what i feel i am for still trying.. everyday.

i don't think we were meant to live like this, yet like the air we breathe.. we find ourselves social creatures, and need to feed this frail ego of social status, and we draw our confidence in the acknowledgment of men.

i've talked about this before, and with God's help, i've also not lived my life like this, not always. yet i think at various points in our lives, we grapple with this again. not because the problem never went away, but at different stages in our life, we're being shown more and more where we need to surrender, places deep in our hearts that have not been surrendered to that one perfect love.. that we are either always changing, or learning something new.

i'm not afraid of the emotion i face, but i am afraid of the stagnation and atrophy of the heart. i don't want to be unfeeling.. because it is a lonely place, where love nor hate exist. it is a plane of "un-love" and stagnation. it is an absence of God, not the burning fires of hell that scare me.. and put me in my place. in fact, it's not fear that paralyses me.. it's an infinite sadness that spirals without end like a bottemless pit.

no. we were meant to live.

15 comments:

Farinelli said...

Awesome. I was just feeling like this too. You've expressed all I needed to say. To myself, to God, to others.

Chin up bro. Stay strong ;)

sodabug said...

this is the brian-style post i've been missing. you were never afraid to ask the serious questions or to think beyond the norm- that's why we love you =)

thank you for that

brian koh said...

@Farinelli: thanks bro -) just telling it like i know how to.. -)

@sodabug: haha, thanks for always encouraging me everytime the world doesn't seem to make a lot of sense -) i hope to keep at it too!

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