Saturday, February 28, 2004

the appointment
tell me your problems. i don't want to play the game. wot is the game? it's the one where fate deals you cards. do you have cards? i can't tell if they're shitty or not. it's poker, the other guy might muck up if you can bluff him. that's the thing, this could go a million ways, and i can't even see past the first two possibilities. this is making you very anxious? i could be doing better things, stop playing the game. have a smoke, a sharp drink to calm the nerves. but don't you think you can't leave unless you're try the table. if there's a table there, isn't that the reason, the purpose you're alive and well? you have to play the game. i don't want to lose. you cannot lose, if your concept of victory lies beyond the table. aren't i deluding myself then? no, a little birrd told me so, and now i'm telling you. you see the table, the people bluffing, but you don't see outside the window. imagine wot lies beyond the dark walls. i've never been out, how can i imagine? i could tell you. i don't believe you. that's the only thing that's stopping you from realising. i'm looking at my cards now. i want to win at the table. i want those chips. wot can those chips do for you? im going to win them and be rich. nothing lies beyond the table. you just said that there was something beyond the walls. wot will you spend those chips on, if there is nothing to buy? i don't know, i just want to win. winning is everything. getting those chips, that is the purpose of the game isn't it? the purpose of sitting down at the table, is to get as many chips. thats why there's only one table, it is the reason i woke up in this room. and getting chips is the aim of the game. i want chips. you will sit at the table forever, will you be happy doing that? even after you keep winning? if i can constantly tell myself that i'm better than the rest, because i have more chips, then yes. i will rise above the rest based on my superiority. even when the chips are meaningless? they mean that im a winner. when i essence, there is no value to the chips? i have given it value, who're you to tell me otherwise. a little bird told me. there is no bird. there is nothing beyond the dark walls. you're screwing me up. isn't there something inside yourself that sings a tune you've never heard before? yet it's so mysteriously familiar? how did that get in my body? you've cast a spell on me, and evil spell. you have no idea who, or wot you're dealing with. wotever it is, you know something i don't. you have cast a doubt onto my shadow. and that doubt, will allow you to sit at that table and wonder if its all worth playing your guts out. will you ever tell me if i made the right decision and believing your little bird? you'll see it when you leave the dark walls. but i can always have the little bird whisper things to you when you're frightened. the moments when you're losing all your chips, or deciding wot you should do for the next round. that little bird will whisper stories of the outside into your ear. and that soothing chirp of a nightengale's song will give you strength. so then, why am i stressing myself out so much as to whether i have many or no chips then? well, like you said, this is the table, those are the rules. you have to play by those rules. but i know these things about the outside! you havent seen them yet, the rules will keep you safe here. but wot do the chips mean? they're chips, whether you have more or less, it does not matter does it? if you trust wot ive said, the chips have in essence no meaning. yet the game itself has a meaning, a purpose. because its the only thing in this room. but if and when you see the outside, you might be able to compare and derive wot reason you played poker for. will you tell me once we get outside? perhaps, but this is food for thought. there is nothing in infinity. absolutely nothing.

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