still learning death defying stunts
ahh.. life is simple somewhat. y'know how sometimes we overcomplicate things or lead utterly busy lives just so we can justify our existence on this earth? i wonder if slowly day by day, that complication fades in view of living by grace. not that there's anything wrong with philosophical insights, just that it can become a god sometimes. and over-simplification can have the same risk as well. so i suppose there is no right or wrong way to lead life, except perhaps lead life walking in salvation.. wotever that means to you. of course i'm talking about the Christian salvation, and i'd advocate it to anyone, but i can't change you no matter how much i convince you. it doesn't work that way, because i'm not paying for your life with my own, only Jesus does that and sets you free from the jaws of death.

do Christians fear death? not anymore i suppose. there is freedom in salvation, though you'd have to be saved to understand, and be revealed to. if you're truely seeking, He will find, and you will find. i guess He's already found you, just that sometimes we don't want to be found. we like wot we have and who we are. perhaps one the deceptive weapons of the enemy is false contentment. do you need something to go wrong to tell you that you need God? or is there something in you there wonders about there being more to life than living and dying?

and so it continues, this semester, these thoughts. the pace hasn't picked up yet, but still, i like the challenge, as i like the peace. we had a jam today and the band's really sounding good. nice tight three-piece with good energy. feel like i belong somewhat. my thoughts still go out to those back home -)

live and die
one of the things i was looking forward to coming back to perth was just jumping into the car and going for spins with the night air and loud music in the wind. both of which have been accomplished easily upon returning to australian soil.

thinking back this past week, it still feels strangely surreal.. that i'm in a different place from it all. sometimes i don't feel as if i'm the same person, sometimes i feel as if i never left. well, jimmy told me at worship practice that the moment i returned, duty just found its way to me in barely a week. already in the past week, my bass duties have kept me busy, playing on wednesday, friday saturday and sunday for church, as well as meeting up with paul on thursday. this means that in the past four days, i have been wielding the four-string.

and perhaps i havent gotten tired of it, though physically.. i think i could use a break. still, it's good to be occupied. i'm blessed, i havent done much besides this and watching movies of all kinds by ransacking the video collection in the library. this past week i've already watched macross ii, garage days, hellboy, house of flying daggers,and a chinese ghost story. not bad for a week's worth of idle.

which scares me, because i don't think my dad's forking out my school fees for me to do just that. i guess i've really taken him for granted, and it's really dealing me in, having to cope with this sort of guilt sometime.

live and die
one of the things i was looking forward to coming back to perth was just jumping into the car and going for spins with the night air and loud music in the wind. both of which have been accomplished easily upon returning to australian soil.

thinking back this past week, it still feels strangely surreal.. that i'm in a different place from it all. sometimes i don't feel as if i'm the same person, sometimes i feel as if i never left. well, jimmy told me at worship practice that the moment i returned, duty just found its way to me in barely a week. already in the past week, my bass duties have kept me busy, playing on wednesday, friday saturday and sunday for church, as well as meeting up with paul on thursday. this means that in the past four days, i have been wielding the four-string.

and perhaps i havent gotten tired of it, though physically.. i think i could use a break. still, it's good to be occupied. i'm blessed, i havent done much besides this and watching movies of all kinds by ransacking the video collection in the library. this past week i've already watched macross ii, garage days, hellboy, house of flying daggers,and a chinese ghost story. not bad for a week's worth of idle.

which scares me, because i don't think my dad's forking out my school fees for me to do just that.

something's staring at me and it's not alive
oh kay guys, i gotta make this snappy because i've got an appointment really soon and i'm still in the school library typing this out. lately, no internet, as such, lack of updates. but everything seems to be moving along correctly i suppose. or everything that's supposed to happen has happened or looks like its going to happen. bear with me till i get a secure internet line and well.. more of the same perhaps?

i hope everything where you are is as it's supposed to be.

commie caps
i met with paul today to have a look at the new mayfled setlist, and i guess it's looking good. he's just a machine with songs and then there's that great folk vibe that i love. today we just played a song, just the two of us, and i never dreamed we'd play something along the lines of mercury rev. it's all exciting stuff for me, and new experiences continue to build on the old.

and then some..

commie caps
i met with paul today to have a look at the new mayfled setlist, and i guess it's looking good. he's just a machine with songs and then there's that great folk vibe that i love. today we just played a song, just the two of us, and i never dreamed we'd play something along the lines of mercury rev. it's all exciting stuff for me, and new experiences continue to build on the old.

and then some..

stories that know no end
so uni's kind of starting to get into gear for me. i've already attended all my lectures and signed up for all my classes, so all that's left to do is to actually do them. but it's been good so far, i guess i've got friends, people i can appreciate as well as things that i can do and use my time for. goals that have been set, and perhaps i focus i never really had in previous years. on my side, things look like an uphill task for setting certain wrong things right. the consequences of past mistakes are kind of appearing here and there, and where i've avoiding obstacles and engagement, perhaps i write here today with the grace and love of God that He will take me thru the tasks ahead.

perhaps i'm not a very confident person, like i know where all my past failures have been, or sometimes i get too lazy, and i think magically certain things will just disappear. but God's taking me thru a journey, which he's doing the same for all of you, and somehow.. this year, this time feels different. things may feel the same once the heat comes or the first salvo explodes next to my current location. but i'll remember that the hope that i feel today, with regards to all things 2005 and the years beyond, is the same hope that never changes and never fails. why do we do wot we do? we're just driven so, to see it till the end. stories that have no end.

life's little updates
well, so you see.. i watched garage days this afternoon, and it was a lovely show.. the innocence of growing up with a band, making the big time, the heartache, the sacrifice. it was a bit fairy-tale like i guess, but like the synopsis said, it was a coming of age film. and having more or less had similar experiences or perhaps perceptions, mebbe that's why i identified with it somewhat. i think once in awhile you just find a certain film that speaks into your life no matter how cliched. life's dirty little secrets -)

we're talking
so i went back to FGA this morning, seeing all my new old church friends. again, it was somewhat surreal, seeing the familiar faces, and yet in the past three months, the church looks like it's travelled along without me. travelling back and forth between countries feels like playing a game of tag, or catch-up. but not that it matters too much, because i guess we'll get there eventually.

anyhow, there was a pretty interesting sermon about the sin of familiarity, that we somehow stop God from releasing His true power and plan if we adhere too much to certain tradition. so i guess, we need to know the reason why we do certain things, review our traditions, appreciate them for wot they are rather than a recipe to have God in our midst. because i think at the end of it, the principle's just as important as the tradition.

we can't put God in a box, but that's not saying we go around with guns blazing. everything needs careful prayer and petition, but when we actually finally act out in faith, it's like a precision strike where it hurts..

so yeahhh, really wonder wot holds in store for us this semester in term of God's work.

sometimes the sun rises a little earlier
i still don't have internet at home, but i'm glad i've got friends who do -) and i guess, i'm really grateful for everyone who's been there for me when perhaps i needed it. just this morning, i read an entry from my journal, where i recorded wot my friend prayer over me in perth. he told me that i wasn't alone in the race, and that there were friends everywhere around me, spurring me on. and now, as i look back upon wot has transpired, and i think, yeahh.. that is true. so many of you have been there for me.

jo who's letting me use her internet now, and well, just encouraging me when i needed it.

thomas for really just being the best band member and friend a guy could have.

vinz for your constant encouragement and unconditional buddyhood.

jeannie for being a listening ear, and honest opinions and genuine concern.

and so many more of you, my family, my church and my God. can i be all that you've been to me? i'd like to appreciate you as much as you perhaps appreciate me.

back to the sun
im going back to perth in about fourteen hours time, and i guess i've thought about the time i spent here in spore. for one thing, i've managed to gig with some of my best friends, and the best band i can think of for the job of shaking the scene here in spore. it's been a swell and tremendous journey with the leeson guys and i look forward to our journey ahead.

i also remember the wala walas gig with oneliner, and how much a bundle of nerves i was to be playing in a cover band. it required a different style of playing, one that i needed and am heeding now to improve my chops to be a better bass player.

with regards to the girl, there's been a sort of resolution in it all. i suppose we've chosen different paths, or the timing's just not in my favour, but i've learnt so much just seeing how God works in regards to wot His plans for me are in perhaps someday sharing a relationship with someone. how much more i need to prepare, and how much more there are things in myself i need to change. for His glory -) at least i don't leave with regret, for that i am thankful.

and there's probably so much more, so much more lessons that i'm going to take with me to perth, and really live it out for His glory. come what may, we'll be waiting. *grin*

the mysticism of rockstardom
why we do wot we do

the swirling lights, the smoke machines, the chants, the recognition, the cool, the mtv, the mighty red.. the list goes on, and the shroud of mystery grows. in ever facing fame and fortune, the mask of annonyminity grows thicker. the more public your life becomes, the more private you actually are as the press paints an unrealistic picture of your demi-godness, that if you were caught picking your nose, the rockstar would come crashing back down to earth. in the short lifespan of imminent rockstardom, why do some embrace the utter nihilism of it all, that wot goes up ultimately comes down?

for some of us, it's the actual belief in your own music. even in the face of commercial success or outright bankruptcy, we face the world on an empty stage with friends who believe in an unseen thing, a muse that has trancended the polished refinedness of constant practice and put everything on the line for the lifetime of one set. in one set, or two, or three, everything culminates into one singular moment of life and death that could fall apart at any moment. for some of us, that is wot we live for, that moment. the moment of calling forth all your emotion, beliefs and understanding and corrupting the 'perfect' world we live in, and holding those notes or singing those lines as if they could change something, make a difference, speak to someone, yourself silently speaking. these voices and noises are like curses in our minds that like a syren, craves to get out, to reach your ears, pull you in and never let you go.

and when the world falls away, and the scales of reality once again cover our eyes, once the doors of perception are closed, we are once again shackled and bound to the utter nihilism once again. the darkness as some would call it. for some of us, we parade nightly to fight against the night, stepping into the light.. never lasting more than a moment, we live to soldier on. because as the decemberists say i never felt so much life, huddled in the trenches, our rifles blazing.

why do we do wot we do? an answer lies dormant in all of us to live it out.

califonia soul
everytime i think of the band incubus, i think of california soul, even though they're not from california. but the music that they make is just like a fusion of surf and soul, while some might argue some form of bastardised funk. i suppose it's all of them amalgated into a psyechedellic mash of irritatingly good music.

wotever tomorrow brings i'll be there
with open arms and open eyes
- drive, incubus

i really like that lyric, almost unbashedly flinging myself into the freight train that is the world. i've done quite a fair bit of things during my holiday here in spore, and i'm quite glad i got certain things done, left certain things hanging to see how this year is going to turn out. we can't figure everything out, we don't know how it's all gonna be, we walk by faith.. i'm glad i met with every single one of you who i was supposed to meet. everyone's who has shed some light on various topics and just been there for me.

the past week has been somewhat death defying, but this week feels as if we're starting to land, the begining of a certain resolution. new ideals, new aims and goals and new inspirations. and thru it all, i thank the Lord for being with me since day one.

silly intelligence tests

Your Dominant Intelligence is Spatial Intelligence

You've got a good sense of space and how the world around you looks. You can close your eyes and "see" images. You have innate artistic talent. An eye for color and shapes, you're also a natural designer. Since you think in pictures, visual aids and demonstartions help you learn best. You would make a good navigator, sculptor, visual artist, inventor, architect, interior designer, or engineer.

What Kind of Intelligence Do You Have?

while there's still time
the final hour hasn't passed us by yet. QUICK! a boistrous happy birthday to dearest jeannie who has been a most trusted and faithful friend! many years of divine wisdom and inter-galactic humour has brought our planets aligned and i thank God for a friend like yourself! peace out!

why bother
drinking water if it doesn't slide down the back of your throat coolingly stroking your tonsils and gives you the illusion that you're quenching your thirst? hence, water is best served cold.

also, i saw this sign beware of steps behind door, but it wasn't anything too frightening, they just stood there unmovingly. weird.

forgive me father
well, nothing incredulously funny happened today, but i'm watching keeping the faith and ben stiller just bedded jenna elfman even though his character is a rabbi. i'm not too impressed by hollywood comedy as it stands right now. however, wot's quite funny is the channal five trailer for the fugitive

voiceover: a murdered wife, a one armed killer

now that just sounds silly, or mebbe i want it to sound silly. oh kay, it sounds silly and i'm gonna leave it at that because one armed killers just sound silly in real life but totally serious in fictitious hollywood thrillers. i feel better better than i did yesterday, thanks for asking -)

as it should be
y'know wot was written in the last post. i dunno, i guess it's just "as it should be". hurmmmm.. when will things start going back to its usual harmless self, when will my sense of humour pick up again? these are some of my 'lil pressing questions. i'm a harper, i harp on things. perhaps unhealthily, curse or gift i don't know. but i'd like the next post to be about something funny. dunno if something funny will happen that i'll remember. i'm sorry that not everything turned out as harmless as i envisioned it to be. or it don't feel harmless now. GAH! i'm alright, i really am, just a bout of something all of us have to get thru at some point in time right? toodles..

incessant seizing
well, for quite a while now i've been grappling with certain emotional issues. i don't talk about it much, because perhaps i deem too much outward display of sad emotion as attention seeking and immature. perhaps i couldn't be more wrong, because if i'm going to have to learn to be humble and weak, perhaps i have to learn wot it means to be publically shamed as well. you can't overcome wot you've never been broken by in the first place.

yeahh, i've been grappling with certain issues. perhaps tops on my mind over the past week was actually getting over the fact that i fancied a really sweet girl but she might be interested in someone else. and then comes the part about being left on the shelf, being single, dying A-LONE.

but y'know wot? i'm glad to say it hurts, because it really brought me to my knees in my relationship with God. i've learnt to really come with a petition to the Lord, something that has cut me deep, and i need help. while some may look at it as immature or negligible, i've learnt that the Lord cares for us in even the smallest of ways. and because i've been financially provided for all my life, perhaps it is in this department where i so need His help. i am still human, so help me God.
perhaps in God's eyes, no problem is too big or too small. and i've learnt once again wot it means to fully give Him all the glory because He is worthy.

why have emotions if all they do is hurt you? but they can be used for many glorious things as well. there's a really good post by winston about emotions and God, and i'm glad my own personal experience has allowed me to grasp the context of such rich text.

at the end of the day, while i can't understand certain outcomes, whether or not i will die A-LONE. i know that if i ask for bread, God will not give me a rock or scorpion since i am his child. i've learnt a lot about this insercurity of mine, and how much more i haven't surrendered to God, and perhaps by typing this out, mebbe some of you have similar feelings. i don't know why, but it is only tonight that i feel comfortable sharing these vulnerabilities. and don't think for a moment that i've got it figured out, i think He's got a few more surprises in store for all of us, if we are willing to learn.

and yeah, emotions propel us to do so many things, they're like a double edged sword that if you weild to wildly you might cut yourself, but used for the purposes of God, we can be fired up to do great things of His purpose. there is no higher calling and no greater honour than to bow and kneel before your throne.

did i miss it?
i did! i forgot to wish sue a happy birthday on the blog yesterday! quick quick, better do it today. sometimes this is the only good purpose of my blog, telling the people i wanna tell something that i wanna tell them. -)

dear sue,
happy birthday! you've been a great friend despite being miles apart. you've come a long way and i really thank God for friends like you! may He keep you in his arms always!

heart,
brian

bludgeon the monkey
been meaning to type this title as a post for awhile but i guess i've been putting it off mainly because of dying grey.gray matter. also probably because i find it has no real semblance to anything i wanna write about. although as you might have noticed by now, my titles don't necessarily mean wot i wanna type about. so by putting two and two together, none of it actually makes any sense. just the way i like it though, simple pages of life unfolding itself revealing it's surprises. do you really wanna ask for more sometimes? i'm sorry if i don't share with you the sorrid details of my life, but it's better this way.

credit where its due
many thanks to thomas who was a listening ear, it was pretty cathartic.
great braised duck and kuay teow at ghim moh hawker centre for lunch today. all the melded flavours in one spoon was more than enough for an epifany.
great review of leeson's hero music ep on aging youth production's webzine. thanks for the show of support guys!
also, leeson webpage has been updated with gratitude and snaps for all who made things possible.

last night i dreamt that somebody loved me
no hope no harm
just another false alarm
last night i felt
real arms around me
no hope no harm
just another false alarm
- the smiths

no it's true, i did. and then in the end i asked her how she knew she wanted to love me, and her reply was God told me(her). it was too good to be true and i knew the dream state that i was in. i woke up feeling terribly terribly alone.

fancy suprises
had a funny experience with buses today. will look back on it some day and smile to self.

tear apart
we took the stage apart, somehow i thought this was a much better gig than the esplanade gig. the sheer intimacy, rawness and probably the frailty of this being our last gig in awhile really added to the moment. for those who attended the gig, we hope we took you on a ride that passed thru your own personal experiences. remembering the past, and the uncertain future all in one singularity. it was a joy being up there, to be able to express myself so freely, to shout it out and sing the poetry that was meant for your ears but will never reach them. still, it was our pleasure to play for you.

one for one
you'll take her second to none
you'll do the crazy
- leeson

you'll do the crazy
the band will be playing it's last set tonight before breaking off to pursue personal goals. it's been a surreal time, we know it's not gonna end. before we leave, we left enough mines in the media minefield, hoping that one of them will blow up and take the world by storm. have terribly good vibes for tonight's gig, because i guess at the end of the day, i'm dedicating this to each and everyone who's crossed paths with leeson as well as to all the individual band members who put their lives on the line to just do the crazy.

wait
and in the light of forbidden joy
i can't be good to anyone else like this
- sarah mclachlan

been doing quite a bit of thinking, reflection and moping, and the one thing i can't get over is the love of God..

announcments
hey guys, remember to come for the gig later ons at 10 in the evening! its our last gig, and you can be shure it'll be fun!

mathematician
hello. today as i was taking the bus back, i noticed an advertisement going something like "4+3+2=1". it made little sense, then i started thinking about the rules of mathematics. addition and subtraction, patterns and such. it scared me that, we humans have developed a system of counting, but wot exactly does 1+1 mean? i looked further out the window, and i saw all these numbers walking around. they were actually people, but reduced to mere statistics, void of personality. would see two people walking. two people? i could group them as two seperate beings, and everywhere i looked i saw these little conclaves of people, each with a different number in them. simply because we have developed a system of counting. imagine if we didn't! well, then it got me wondering about how we've managed to send probes into space simply by utilising a system based on counting, defining empirical value to metaphysics. just imagine for a moment if this man made concept of counting were wrong to begin with, where 1 + 1 does not equate to 2.

age
as i was walking toward the dental clinic in dover with my brand new slippers, i noticed students from my alma mata flooding the sidewalks, spilling over the neatly contained lines. i imagined for awhile wot it was like being sixteen, crushes and music all over again. fast forward two to three years, and i remember knowing a girl who was fifteen then and asked me if she should go out with a bloke who was twenty one. i'll be twenty three this year. funny how this age thing criss-crosses everywhere and everytime.

adrian veidt : jon, wait, before you leave... i did the right thing didn't i? it all worked out in the end.

jon osterman : "in the end"? nothing ends, adrian. nothing ever ends.

wot boring vegetable are you???



take the test! it's too cute!