Saturday, February 12, 2005

incessant seizing
well, for quite a while now i've been grappling with certain emotional issues. i don't talk about it much, because perhaps i deem too much outward display of sad emotion as attention seeking and immature. perhaps i couldn't be more wrong, because if i'm going to have to learn to be humble and weak, perhaps i have to learn wot it means to be publically shamed as well. you can't overcome wot you've never been broken by in the first place.

yeahh, i've been grappling with certain issues. perhaps tops on my mind over the past week was actually getting over the fact that i fancied a really sweet girl but she might be interested in someone else. and then comes the part about being left on the shelf, being single, dying A-LONE.

but y'know wot? i'm glad to say it hurts, because it really brought me to my knees in my relationship with God. i've learnt to really come with a petition to the Lord, something that has cut me deep, and i need help. while some may look at it as immature or negligible, i've learnt that the Lord cares for us in even the smallest of ways. and because i've been financially provided for all my life, perhaps it is in this department where i so need His help. i am still human, so help me God.
perhaps in God's eyes, no problem is too big or too small. and i've learnt once again wot it means to fully give Him all the glory because He is worthy.

why have emotions if all they do is hurt you? but they can be used for many glorious things as well. there's a really good post by winston about emotions and God, and i'm glad my own personal experience has allowed me to grasp the context of such rich text.

at the end of the day, while i can't understand certain outcomes, whether or not i will die A-LONE. i know that if i ask for bread, God will not give me a rock or scorpion since i am his child. i've learnt a lot about this insercurity of mine, and how much more i haven't surrendered to God, and perhaps by typing this out, mebbe some of you have similar feelings. i don't know why, but it is only tonight that i feel comfortable sharing these vulnerabilities. and don't think for a moment that i've got it figured out, i think He's got a few more surprises in store for all of us, if we are willing to learn.

and yeah, emotions propel us to do so many things, they're like a double edged sword that if you weild to wildly you might cut yourself, but used for the purposes of God, we can be fired up to do great things of His purpose. there is no higher calling and no greater honour than to bow and kneel before your throne.

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