i was thinking today
taking a rare break today where i give myself a theological brainsprain, what goes on in a transexual's mind if s/he accepts Christ after his/her operation? if we already go through so much anguish working out our salvation, would it be overly complicated to add the dimension of which gender we are? should the believer go back to his/her original gender? can it really be seen in such an empirical way?

cook
i liked dinner today. veal and mushroom cream sauce, boiled potatos and a salad on the side.

let me tell you about life without broadband
it's more manageable. it also means more time spent playing inane games like kirby's dream land 3. so it's pretty much a toss up between time well spent and time wasted. i do hope for posterity's sake that the two factors cancel each other out. and i learnt a new catchphrase, to describe how when you second guess someone too much and yout think he's telling the truth when he's lying, but because you know his pattern so well, then you suspect in the end he's telling the truth. anyway, it's called double faulting. courtesy of jamie oliver.

also got three new books out from the library. it's funny, i borrow all these books but i just don't take the time to read them all. frankly, it's quite silly, but hey, who's judging? anyway, it creates a false sense of intellectuality, if that's even a word. but you get my drift, i do feel somewhat smarter just borrowing books out. and you kind of imagine the geeky but attractive librarian swooning over your book choices. a girl in glasses is really quite something.

less time on the internet also means more time following dramas on the tv. and i must say, instead of talking to faceless people online (even if i knew you, you're still faceless now), it's much more comforting to have actors perform for you. like going to the circus really! being broadbandless just sucks when you wanna download certain videos but it just won't happen. bugger.

and so, more boring crap regurgitated. blogging is hard to be spontaneous when you come online at a designated time, and you have to dial in, and wait and blablabla, basically you lose your train of thought, and you get long entries like this which i believe nobody really likes to read unless you're a fanboy or you really like my life more than i do. well, i don't hate my life, or find it boring. i'm just avoiding doing my work, and that kind of puts me on an edge. bugger.

maybe blogger should be known as bugger. i don't know, someone's just putting words in my mouth. i miss my guitar and my pedals!!! i need to create some noise or i will go quite insane.

bigfoot
i don't really have much to say for the time being, but i know that statement is going to collapse on its own once i find this voice again with a mindless rabble. do you have a voice screaming inside of you, but when it somehow finds its way out of your system, it's just a pale representation of the initial anguish. i think artists are wonderful creatures, when they are able to honestly evoke their own emotions into a canvas. and you really feel as if the artist has taken something out of himself and put it on a plate served for all to consume. it's such a tragedy though, because there's always less and less to go around. part of you becomes your commodity, and if you don't find something to replace the lost, you might just lose yourself.

eb and flow
okay. in ten minutes time, i am going to leave my house and post an important letter. after that, i will do my readings and start on my essay. i will then decide whether or not i should go for tutorial because my essay is due tomorrow (it's only a thousand words). shortly thereafter, i will either plan a shoot schedule or go to sleep. world domination plans are in motion now, and soon all will revel at the hand of an incompleted banana cereal. i have resolutions which must be strived for.

i lasted a night at the alamo
they say the alamo is your last stand. when you've run out of things to say, when you're down to your last bullet, when all that stands between you and your maker is one last breath.

aside from the dramatics, its strange, but i haven't been inspired by music much. its like the music i've been listening feels stale somewhat. i think its more me than the medium, but i presume its actually withdrawal symptoms from actually playing in a rock band. those were good times indeed. i hope to retire with music, food and wine. with some film on the side. but i shouldn't think too much about retirement, i'll forget how to live.

when the night had passed
what do you wake up to? i kind of asked myself that question this morning as i mulled around in bed, trying to be toasty under the covers. i've got an essay due on wednesday, and a script to edit plus a few more surprises in between, and it all feels very daunting on a new week.

it's rather interesting that nearing the end of the week, we can create for ourselves a few weekly resolutions and we're confident about the future, but when that future comes as a reality, it becomes a tad unnerving.

it's very convenient to recess into a state of uncare, but this time, i wanna go down as a fighter. maybe i'd like to be known for something, and you've got to fight for certain things. live on a few years after we pass on.

found the time to disregard mine
well, i understand that nothing much has been written here for quite awhile, but that doesn't mean that my life has been non-existant. quite the contrary, life is exciting, though busy, i can really say i trust that God will see me thru this life and that where there are impossible situations, my God will reign over all.

not much to say on the world, i guess im a tad out of writing practice. also, not typing in here for so long, i think subconciously i don't know who my audience is anymore? i mean, there's a bunch of you reading and all, but this isn't exactly a diary-styled blog, and since im not on broadband, the funny things of the internet just aren't finding their way into my life. *heh*

well, i'll leave you with that, one day, till all are one. and yes, i miss leeson and i won't be able to make it to the concace scream album launch. and they have a bad-ass website as well!

uncog arthritic tendons
wheeeeeeeee.. a week long break. see, that's what i like about murdoch, it's thirteen weeks of university with a week break every four weeks. that's like doing basic with block leave every month. it really takes the pressure off if you have a lot on your plate. which i guess i do. such fun. heh~ still no internet connection at home.. it really is an inconvenience, but i suppose now i do have an excuse to come to university and do my readings and prepare for my essays. i just met my band the other day, and they're really tempting me with some of their new songs. i've always liked playing with them, but alas i can't commit to it anymore. yet, i find myself playing for them again? hahaha -) well, hopefully we'll record an album's worth of music and then actually just have it cut. it'll be my little university sourviner. also, beth orton and sigur ros are both coming to perth. that's gonna set me back 140 if i go for both! but they're such great gigs.. oh well, time to plan that budget again -) in other news, i don't suppose this online existence is sorely missed, there are always other uses of time.

we stand alone
i've started writing in my journal again, and it really is strangely cathartic. it's been more than six months since i wrote in a physical journal, and while i'm really out of practice, there's a freshness to putting your thougts down in word. one thing i found out, was that by physically writing things down, it offers us a illusionary security of enduring after we leave this mortal realm. i think writing appealed to me somewhat because it subconciously allowed me to exist outside of my experience, or my perceptual senses, and it fictionalised my reality and offered something that would be rather untouched by this realm of reality. writing in a secret journal is what it is, a secret where it's still untainted by our surroundings. unlike blogging, which is rather exhibitionistic.

a few of my concerns. it sucks being in an artistic rut. i shure could use a few fresh ideas.

turning the tide
i will admit, my brain's going a little numb (dumb) lately. i can't find much to comment on, or rather aren't to bothered to comment on anything. or perhaps there's nothing new to say, i suppose i'm in just one of those modes right now where everything seems to be passing me by. probably because i'm just drifting along, no real aim in mind for now. kinda sad really, i wonder if non-activity does that to you. i did however watch the first eighteen chapters to cowboy bebop and that did inspire me a tad. was very blown away by their soundtrack and the use of noir-ish detective and western elements to produce a futuristic bounty-hunter anime. haha, they've got references from all over the place it really is a fun thing to watch. i suppose animation always inspires me, because it's illustrations that seem to take life. in-animate objects and ideas just somehow come out more alive when they trick your eye into real movement. of course we know that its about as real as a documentary being true.

oh gee whizzz
did i ever tell you of the time when small people, even smaller than me tied me to my bed and made me sit thru six months of nostalgic silent movies? the truth is that when i woke up, only five minutes had elapsed. funny thing.

or the time when all i saw was your sillouhette because the sun burned the whites off my retinas.

or perhaps when sparkly diamonds encrusted your face and reflected the incandacent lights that this world has to offer in my direction.

it's a funny thing, and i don't really understand it. but somehow we still manage to get thru it all.

where for art thou?
hurrrahhh!!! nobody says that anymore, so perhaps i shall start. sometimes you wonder when you see so many people around you depressed about something, or something's bothering them, and then we become cold, or apathetic because it's so much easier to not feel, just whether the joy you've found in the Lord is something too fluffy to comprehend. but quite the contrary really, Christians aren't some sort of naive simplistic people who just live in a fairy land where we are oblivious to the hurt that we go thru. i think the christian faith is just as grounded in the struggles as everyone in this world goes thru. we have the same urges to divorce, get angry, murder our young, fornicate with minors (hypothetically) and all of these carnal desires that dare i say which should be beneath us. but we are humans, with equal struggles, the fundamental difference is salvation. we are not better, and neither are we worse.

the difference however, is holiness, righteousness, gifts from accepting Jesus as your personal Lord and saviour. such attributes seperate us from the sin which this world has to offer, and we are no longer a part of it. physically we are still on this plane, but in a different aspect of our lives, our spiritual salvation is secure and no one can take it away from us. this spiritual health affects and influences our emotion, mental and physical well-being. it allows us to see things in a different way, perhaps hope in a higher power, and not just hope, but victory in a God above all other gods, the one true creator of this universe and beyond.

and beyond. and should i now tell you where all things lead?

blogless
sometimes blog titles are birthed from mis-reading certain words. in this case, i suppose that's how it happened. not that it's particularly important, but don't you just love a bit of an explaination as to how things occur? well, depends on how curious and inquisitive a mind you have i suppose. but i suppose it doesn't really matter all the time either.

things in the real world seem to be holding up pretty well. i suppose the quitting of mayfled has really allowed more room and focus in other directions. i'm hoping that i'll be able to work on the current list of demo songs which they have now and just record them as a sort of a memory as well as a resource for them because playing in a band here has really been a big part of my perth experience. i'm just glad i'm not on this obligation thing now, because i generally suck at obligations. geee.. am i afraid of commitment then..? hahaha.. questions i'd rather not ask now. -)

last ditch attempts
well, i've finally signed up for a broadband account, but it'll be a few days before my house is finally connected to the internet. the thing is , do i really want to be connected? frankly, these past few weeks, i've survived pretty well without the constant use of web technology. i've read, and i've watched movies, watched a bit more TV and defintely have found a better use for my time. you see, the internet tends to paralyze me, and it's a comfortable and convenient distraction, bad when you should not be distracted from work and play. hopefully my gulf from the web will last, and i won't use this technology as a sort of emotional crutch, or personality crutch as i did last year. having the net is definitely a plus though, the information and the connectivity that flows almost endlessly from it. but ohhh.. the sense of connection when i spend 4 hours talking to anyone online, it's a vice i must say.. one that hopefully will be kicked this year. i'm really trying to do something different for my production modules this year, but it's pretty hard coming up with something integral to yourself as an artiste, and also cutting edge enough or different enough to well.. make a difference.

dwindling numbers
awwww.. traffic to this site has been staggering in a bad way. more than half the regular punters just aren't coming here anymore!! anyhow, i watched a wrestling documentary yesterday called "beyond the mat", and it was pretty funny. did you know jake "the snake" roberts is a crack junkie?

drownded in sound
still no internet, but the library is pretty empty. i don't think anyone's eavsdropping (or however you spell that damned word), which is kinda ironic because it's gonna get posted anyway. ah yes.. i see my banality has kicked in once again. it wont be much longer before i turn into a cynical bastard. not unless the good Lord intercedes for me. (which im shure he already has.)

but yay! i got accepted for my overload this semester, and i don't have to overload next semester. payers were answered! i was supposed to lead worshipi for the combined cell event this friday, but its not happening anymore because it got pushed back. anyhow, in the midst of preparing, it was really hard to focus, to actually get into the 'mood' of worship. like something was preventing me from entering that familiar place of God's presence. do i know what was blocking me? was it the enemy's influence or my own? maybe a combination of both.. Thomas reminded me that as a worship leader we always have to watch ourselves, which is true.. we are placed in a sort of leadership position, which also makes us more succeptible to enemy atatcks. i mean, if something great was gonna happen, the enemy would do all they can to halt our advance. and.. of course, i guess i don't have the strength to physically beat the devil back to hell, but with Christ, all things are possible. i suppose you could call this a much more practical call to arms. we've already won the war (in our linear future), but for now we're always struggling. it's somewhat strange, and yet it gives a strange sense of hope.

i think God's slowly making me grow up (in a more tangible way), its no more just feelings and feeling good, feeling like a christian. i think he wants us to mature in our faith in more proactive ways. like, i think when i had the problem of not being able to enter in, the conviction was actually to also look to the body of Christ for encouragement and love. and i think that's how God uses each and every one of us in each others' lives. no matter how insignificant we feel. our family and friends are our earth angels, and it's awesomely lovely to see the reflection of Christ in each and everyone of you.