Tuesday, March 20, 2007

doing the things we love
life and all her swords could never cut thru this heart made of steel. isn't it mortifyingly horrifying when you cannot feel anymore? then you cannot use such bombastic words. being apathetic means you have the vocabulary of a garden slug.

wheee.. it's been awhile since i've had a hit of silly banter like that. you're right, i haven't been feeling much lately. i am a terribly emotional being, some would say it's both my strength and weakness at the same time, and everytime i retreat into bouts of insecurity, i choose not to feel, i cancel out everything and everyone around me and i super-calculate the distance i keep with people, because one inch closer and i could implode, or explode.. which ever is more volatile in that instant.

did something make me feel this way? maybe, but its usually an amalgation of dissatisfaction. am i feeling dissatisfied? somewhat, i started some part time work, but i feel like a loser because most of my friends have full time jobs and are making more money. i don't make that much, but i have more free time. but i don't exactly have very productive free time, but i really hope that changes soon. i want to write, i want to dance, i want to play music, i want to take photographs, i want to lose weight, i want to read, i want to catch up with friends.. but all i'm doing here is blogging incessantly to a nineteen or thirty a day readership. it really depends. it would be nice to have a larger audience, but then again i don't want this celebrity status thing. i can only try to be as real as hypertext on a white background.

there i've said it, and it's a struggle to live each day to the fullest, but maybe the trick is not trying too hard. anyhow, i thought i was rather funny yesterday:

"men and women are wired differently. men are wired the right way."

-p. anyone should know i'm not sexist, or at least not terribly sexist. but i do love the women in my life, and this is really just a tongue in cheek joke. no need to be uptight! why am i explaining myself? well, maybe there are first time visitors to this blog.

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