harmless? bananas!

and i will write till my fingernails fall off
just feeling very unmotivated and lazy lately. how much hardship must i eat before i realise that everything's not gonna be served on a silver platter to me? because everything is almost as it should be, and it freaking scares me. no, everything is not as it should be, and that's wot really is scaring me. i just told someone over the chat program that i'm finding it difficult to take pride in my work. who knows if that's wot's brewing? i do alright in groups, i finish my quota because it affects the other person. but when it affects me, it's like i'm not bothered. it's like i can't be bothered with wot happens to me. can't even take ownership of my own life. guess i'm running away from responsibility, the legions of reality that are slowly catching up to my dreamstate and somehow i'm unable to let go. i wanna know that in the end everything is harmless, that somewhere in between it's all harmless, but it's not. because everyone is pleased with me, but i'm not pleased with me. it's somewhere in between, and my heart's not really where it should be, looking out for the body it's supposed to take care of. who knows? who knew? wretched smiles.

don't even know why i'm smiling in this snap, not that it's a big hoo-ha to get my hair cut.