thinking about it
y'know.. i've just got this break till the 25th. i have no idea how im gonna pass my time really. i mean, apart from studying, some other folk have exams to study for, or they can make their own fun. me? i can't seem to make my own fun at times. but that's not depending on people for your happiness.
dependency. you really can't depend on people too much. i mean, you and i have the capacity to let one another down. yet strangely, we all need someone, something, some God. me? i realise how dependent i am on my glasses. it really sucks to not see clearly. im borrowing my housemate's pair for now, but its not gonna be forever. and then i gotta spend more money on a new frame and lenses. im thinking red tints. it'd be spiffy.
and then, when there dosen't seem to be anything to do, wot then? how alone do you feel? i'm only glad i can pray, play guitar, write in a journal, mebbe call some friends up, mebbe just sulk. oh yeah, i intend to read alot to pass time. the magic word is "intend". we all know from experiences, good intentions just aren't enough.
and so, when i finally go back to spore on the 26th. and see long unseen friends, spending more time in church, especially the mission trips and christmas, and festivities.. you know, it sounds like im gonna have a blast when i go back. but if its all a state of mind, everything else could just be a farce. i dont want that to happen.
i guess i'll admit, it seems everybody in perth has some chill out buddy except me. yeah, someone you can depend on. you shouldnt be depending, but it really gets to you at times. i guess thats one reason why i seek solace in the online community. namely friends i know that are somehow connected via the internet. this blog? i dinnae, sometimes it feels like its updates of my life, sometimes.. just fun things ive come across. but alotta times, i dunno, mebbe its a longing to just seem more real. i know im real to my folks, and some really good friends. its not about keeping up with appearances, its about being real. insecurities and all. secrets and lies. dreams that dont come true, jadedness, and yes.. when i feel it, happiness and joy. security, comfort, confidence.
*grin* i guess, yeah.. maybe this blog truely has the capacity to be a soap opera. and i've got a rockin' soundtrack.
Saturday, November 8, 2003
thinking about it