Wednesday, July 26, 2006

my life has become moving pictures
moments after napkin man and mark passed through the departure gates, for a period of forty eight hours give and take, my mood took a turn for the worse. i couldn't really explain it, but i figure it might have something to do with this being my last semester in perth. perhaps some of it stemmed from this feeling of "being pushed to the side" because, y'know.. like aging soccer players, sometimes you get fielded less. of course that also means that people might wanna spend more time with you, but feeling a certain way is independent of being treated a certain way.

could this be it? well, it wasn't really the be all end all. having your last semester looming before you puts a lot of things into perspective and blurs a whole bunch of others. this is my final semester to actually strive and get decent grades, grades that i should have been getting a long time ago.. but my ego gets in the way of that. it also pushes you out of your seat, to perhaps get the things you've always wanted the past few years you've been in perth, but were to afraid to get.

does it put me in a posture of reckless abandon, where i wanna do anything and everything? well, i just want to do everything. i might have just decided to do another production unit this semester, it's scary because it isn't anything i've ever tried before, it's production design and planning intensive, but it's such a challenge i really wouldn't mind trying and actually help take it off the ground. does it leave me room to pursue the ghost? and does it allow me room to pursue God? or shouldn't that have been my first concern?

and then i read a verse from John 14:1-4

"Do not let your hearts be troubled. Trust in God, trust also in me. In my Father's house are many rooms; if it were not so, I would have told you. I am going there to prepare a place for you, I will come back and take you to be with me that you also may be where I am. You know the way to the place where I am going."

i'd been meaning to read John 14 again for a while now, and just now when i finally got round to doing it, it really spoke to me. more than a feeling i hope, but it's almost as if, it were intended to bolster me that this world is just a passing through, that God knows my troubles, concerns, fears, hopes, dreams, anything you could think of, takes all that into consideration, and even though he shows me how fleeting it all is, he's gonna take care of me (and you) for this life, and it's guranteed a hundred percent that he's gone to prepare the next life for us when we depart this world even.

it bolsters me, in that, i know when i finally do grow up, it will be what he has in store for me, and that yes, as long as i walk close to him, i can always look to him no matter what. or even if i do wonder, and stray, he's always close to me, but we get so insensitive to him instead.

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