Sunday, October 22, 2006

pinch recovery
things are heating up in perth, for a change i'm actually switching on the fan to a power of one for the first time in months. if i were in singapore, the fan would always be at three, no second guessing, just automatic. once i'd come home from anywhere, it's straight to the room and switch the fan on to three. it's probably so routine there must be some sort of comfort and security in doing it so often.

speaking of heating up, has it finally come down to this. for once in a very long time, i'm finally actually having something of a little temper tantrum toward the powers that be in my church here in perth.

for starters, forgive any attitudes that might sound rather seething, because.. in my bid to just lay it all down, i'm just gonna tell it like i see it or feel it.

it's been awhile, but i feel rather under-appreciated. don't know why, don't know if i can put any specifics init. but maybe it's got something to do with my paranoia of finally leaving this place and well, i can't help but feel that sometimes i'm being treated like i've come to the end of the line and that well, various ministries are just not investing anything into my life anymore.

now this might sound terribly selfish, and perhaps i shall be the first to admit that it is.. but i guess it is also a good gauge as to how much i've done things for myself, opposed to maybe how much i've been thinking of what i was doing for God. recognising this flaw is one thing, accepting it and learning from it is something else.

and then i have to shoot someone's wedding tomorrow, gonna be a whole day affair and i need to skip mission trip training. telling my group leader/pastor, i dunno if she was joking or not, but it just looked like she expected that i would have managed my time better or something. the thing is i didnt realise was that the wedding was on a sunday (most are held on saturdays), and well.. perhaps its my fault this happened. but one thing that gets to me is that people in general like to focus on your present mistakes rather than any contributions you made in the past. well, in this event, i just felt as if everything i did in the church for the past three years didnt mean anything to anyone. and again i recognise the selfish agenda that has crept up, but likewise.. i'm laying it down now before it's allowed to slowly eat away at my soul. i suppose the enemy uses anything he has at his disposal to bring us down..

and finally, i guess i just found out about the living arrangements for church camp this coming sunday. basically the campsite will be divided into two seperate areas with a space of about 1 km in between. people in my age group will be in this area called CYC and the other area is for the family cells in an area called FREEWAY or something. and guess what? i've been assigned to FREEWAY with the families instead of CYC with the majority of my peers.

in a way i feel betrayed, i mean, surely the organisers know that i have no family here, why're they taking me away from the only family i got down here? and paranoia creeps around here and there.

and this just in. having been prompted by the holy spirit that i might be being tested or under some sort of spiritual attack to lose my trust in God, or a servant's ability to sumbit to authority or sowing the seeds of dischord within my life and church, i think God reminded me of something quite important.

i'm supposed to be doing a media study with one of the kids in the family district, so perhaps me being in the FREEWAY area is more beneficial than it is detrimental. there might be a whole other host of other things being where i am, and if anything.. let's believe that God will show all of us the way..

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