Thursday, August 10, 2006

good habits
well, i don't really have anything good to say, and that begs the question of whether i should be wasting an entry like this as well. and that's really how i feel, like i'm wasting entries. of course that makes no sense, because there is no limit to how much i can write on blogger, but it just seems a waste because there's nothing that i really wanna say, or tell you.

but also for some other reason, i do feel like telling you various things that you may or may not find interesting. this only happens after the ball started rolling, once the fingers find their familiar places on the 26 or more symbols on my keypad. you might see it as a thing of beauty or not.. but as of right now, it's just from me to you -)

and yes, i still feel rather similar to a few days before, that feeling of flatness, of hitting a brick wall, of cruising, wading or just floating on a river. in my younger days, i'd have all that energy to swim against the current or be different, but as you grow older, the power you gain from responsibility actually starts to weigh you down because of responsibility. the independence that i gained is slowly being converted into obligation to be a responsible citizen, christian, son, brother, friend, worker, leader.. anything you could think of. perhaps i talk this way because i'm reading about power relations for the time being. and even so, it's not gonna change this feeling, a sense of dread perhaps? of not knowing what lies after the bend, that fear of driving down a dark road with only your headlights throwing up the ground slightly before you.

you'd think you'd have learnt all these things in christianity 101, but i think when you're finally of age, you somehow go through a sort of refresher course, and this really does feel like mine now. and let me be straight, one of my internal struggles right now is to actually trust God, because i think a part in me, a proud part in me wants to accomplish certain things for myself.

you see, i'd like to think it's got something to do with me never really accomplishing for myself since i was sixteen. for some reason, after then i started not striving for a place in society, when i went out of course from ocs i didn't think it was the end of the world, i knew who i was in God and that sustained me. but the thing is that, i'm running out of lease on my pre-adult status.. once i enter the workforce, i will be looked on differently, and people will want to see what i've accomplished. i suppose it's foolhardy that people would give me any credibility just because i'm a "nice guy".

and the other thing is that, perhaps there's just not enough faith in God to provide for me despite my apparent inadequecy. y'see, it's different when i don't feel inadequate, and when others percieve me as inadequete.

bottem line? am i fully trusting God with this next phase in life? i think the phase is what's really doing it for me, this.. book is actually running out and i'm having to buy another one, not just start a new chapter. imagine you've been writing in only one sort of journal your entire life, and they just discontinued it, and now you have to use a new brand. i kind of liken my emotions to that..

but the thing, is that i must trust God's goodness, his providence over my life, over what the world percieves and that he overcomes, and provides in abudnence. and whatever he provides is good, not just good, it is excellent and well with my soul. is my walk with him such that i can say that without any reproach? alas, much to learn young padawan, much to learn indeed..

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