Wednesday, August 16, 2006

last name crane, first name danny, beyond reasonable doubt, you know what to do
william shatner had the coolest line in the last watched episode of boston legal. every now and then i like to watch the flippantly slick american drama seriel, because no matter what, their production value is so much more than anything i've ever done so far.

maybe i'm a victim of a lack of resources, but that has never detered me. in fact, i see a lack of resources as a challenge, to maximise what is at your plate and do your utmost. got a 3-stringed guitar? play the hell out of it and augment it with vocal talent and some interesting percussion, keep making music despite what's been stopping you.

perhaps i should carry that forward into my spiritual life, where i have an abundence of resources, and yet i still slack off, or don't maintain my relationship with God. it hit me yesterday (or was it this morning?) that so many times i push God away, it's because of personal pride, pride that i can do things on my own, and even pride that he can never truely wipe my sins away.

some will argue that this concept of sin and guilt are all religious nonsense that're meant to make us feel bad about ourselves so as to make religion work. whatever, if i really knew that, i could also go on about how we're born from primodial soup or that we evolved from bacteria. some even go as far as to call it the miracle of evolution, that's one evolution short of saying God.

well, maybe now that i've gotten that off my chest, i can address something else. i'm really worried about returning home. it's home, and yet i wonder if there'll be any oppurtunity to lead a comfortable life. but actually, what do i want? a comfortable life or a fulfiled life. now, my thoughts are always racing about the material posessions that i want to own. house, car, money, credibility, artistic glory, wife, family, kids.. the whole list goes on. and you can probably put my relationship with God and doing his work somewhere in the mix. im being honest here, im losing sight of my priorities, i'm trying to wrestle my life into my hands, mould it to what i deem to be what life should be about.

i wonder what my savior thinks of that. now that i'm saved, do i just want to live comfortably and then die off? or am i going to trust that his grace is sufficient for me, that everything will be added unto me, and we should just put him first in our lives, and do his will.. whatever that may be. there are some questions i haven't really been asking, because i am so afraid of what the answer might be.

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