the joke i tell makes me laugh
i feel obliged to share this. sure brings back memories.. anyhow i'll update more later, its dinner time now!

i used to hide in forsaken places
i'm the king of the world, because i heard a voice from a song tell me so. bringing something to the foray, in the frontlines we'll carve out our niches. the stuff legends are born from, the stuff legends die for. someday i'll be saturday night.

when being cryptic helps us understand frailness and so we don't always have to make sense.
i'm sorry if i haven't been making much sense. it's just that lately, my mind's always phasing in and out of concentration, and i'm hoping that this post will make as much sense as i can will it to.

y'see, lately i've been trying to do my assignments, and i've been procrastinating a lot. like what i'm doing now. but how do i articulate it? i just feel so alone, like i'm the only one struggling like this. of course i'm aware that i'm not the only one who has it tough (if i even am), but this is just how i feel.. alone, no end in sight, failure and all round nihilism. is there a cure for the ailment, some sort of secret ancient remedy?

if it were so easy to snap out of, i would have taken the pains to a long time ago.. but i really am at a loss for the right words now. i just want this semester to end, i want to see my friends and feel like i matter. i think i'm looking for all my answers in the wrong places. hopefully this is articulate enough, and recognisable as some sort of a distress signal.

man.. 24 hours in a day. feels like forever, and then forever isn't enough.

Drum N Bass

Drum N Bass


a fine snap by folkstar.

and i can't remember the times from before. if you're not here with me now than were all our times together for naught? maybe if it weren't for some sort of grace i might believe that. but this i can say, all was not for naught. all things have led to this, and tomorrow some sort of beauty will burst forth from a budding flower.

we die to give life to new bodies. our mortal coils pass away to a spiritual eternity. who else do i have but you, God?

i've been a bit of a Martha lately, always doing something, anything to justify my salvation, and work my way toward righteousness. but i think it is much more joy to sit at the foot of Jesus and listen to his word, and feel his arms around you.

i also miss playing in my band.

sexual divides transexed transgendered
success. it's measurable isn't it? succesful bands, directors, cinematographers, laywers, doctors, academics, scientists, presidents, hawkers, mothers, fathers..

but how many of us are stuck at the loosing end of the stick? do we merely just exist, or do we matter? it's romantic to believe we matter. in fact, i think it's essential that we know or feel that we matter, to something, someone, some cause, somewhere.

i think about tomorrow. about that apartment i'll get with a workstation and a dog for a friend. to come out and serve in the church, to gig, to document and make digital canvases. i won't need much, but i'll need you. some wine, some song, a simple kind of life but enough extravagence for comfort.

but yet all these things fade away,

what i really want, is for the Lord to tell me everything's going to be alright, that everything has it's purpose and that his dreams are bigger than my nightmares.

just because you feel it
doesn't mean it's there

what fuels the passionate lust for unknown frames?
what if this were a book? what if i could turn the page back and read what i did before, and relive those moments without finding out the end. and the end were already written, steeped in the past. we can enter the past by walking forward into the said future.

there's a reason why i'm typing like this, i'm reading Susan Howe's essay Sorting Facts, and its supposed to be about a documentary film maker. unfortunately, she's a bit of a linguist or some other unimportant discipline, that she writes in a very non-linear way. it pisses the hell right out of me, stupid intellectual types. they create a language and go break all the rules. ra ra ra, if you were the only intelligent one in the world and nobody could understand you, would that make you stupid? thus, the smart people in this world are really telling us the things we want to hear. and we give them all the credit.

film maker. that word can't exist for me. i don't think i'd ever want a pretentious title attached to me. then again, what else could you call it? i don't know, i don't really care. i do know that i want to get my hands on a film-based SLR and start taking pictures, put them in a scrap book, like a sort of non-moving picture documentary. but without the documentary.

but why would i want to archive certain moments in time? i don't know, maybe it's an illusion that we can last forever in our mortal coils. but even pictures fade away.

flat or depth brings many martyrs from past to the present
the design of this blog has not changed much since it was first incepted in 2003. if anything, more junk has been added, and hoarded to personalise this space. much like my life if i were to draw various parallels. the links for example, sometimes they're meant for my easy access if i ever forget a few of my favourite things. more so for you, so that you can see and discover what makes me tick. but after awhile, i think you and me just don't care anymore. i mean, they're just hyperlinks for crying out loud.

and still i like to type in here, fill the blank white space with intervals of alphabets, sometimes to form coherent sentences with bad grammer. sometimes to not make any sense at all.

this space was never meant to be a diary, or even a document. i suppose a zeitgeist would best describe my little purple space. a spirit of our times. i'm just wondering if much has changed since the purple background of 2003 and the purple background of 2006. the words have definitely changed, if anything, i've gone through a band name change already, three new years, three christmases, threee valentines.. you get the drift. a lot has changed, but this purple is botherhing me. just what did i leave behind?

and yet, the familiarity of the layout gives me comfort, that perhaps in some ways i'm still recognisible. i still can't make a decent website with sub-par html codes and as such, i'm locked down to be creative in other ways based on the skills i don't have. nothing should limit you except you yourself. if i only had a guitar with one string, i'd still find a way to make music.

so re-welcome to my little abode.

later nights and fevered dreams
i can think in terms of styles and mediums. maybe it's time to think in terms of the tools i have at my disposal. video production, bass playing, music, writings. if i could take a path, or draw out a canvas, what would i creatively put on it and present as a piece of art about the world around us? as a christian, i think we walk a fine line between being enchanted by the world, and also rejecting the world. sometimes perhaps that battle is not for us to keep fighting, but to also rely on the Lord's strength and favour.

about two seconds ago, as i was listening to some new asobi seksu material, i realise that i like strong short bursts of absolute beautiful noise. in the song "new years", you can listen toward the end how the harsh scraping guitars juxtapose with her beautiful fairy/ethereal like voice combined with the pulsing yet melodic rhythm section, it creates a powerful canvas of despair, destruction and creation all at once. it doesn't drag on too long, its like a beautiful sentence of profound revelation without it being overbearing. i'd like to make music like that some day. or perhaps, one kind of music one day.

maybe it's something God's put in me, to be attracted to the strange sights and sounds that he's put in his creation, and we just scratch abit of the surface and try to sculpt something, an interpretation of the beauty or devestation that is around us.

if i had a band now i'd call it "the ... rhythm section" or something, and make really nice driving music, stuff that you can dance and mosh to, or just stand there and sway. something that hooks you and gives you hope. and it lets you go just as you are about to reach an epiphany. i hope it points you in the right direction, but i'll leave the revelations to the creator.

thomas and i are already planning our bedroom jams, write some new material and collaborate with our friends for perhaps some interesting pieces that we've never done before in Leeson or other projects.

i don't say strange things for the sake of being strange
sometimes when you've been a christian for so long, this little thought creeps to mind. are we really all that different from the rest of the world? it's not that i'm saying christians are special or better, i mean it more in the way where if we're just cruising along in our spiritual walk, do we start thinking in a more worldly manner? i find that once i slack off, i become very concerned with achieving some sort of material success be it through affirmation from others, through artistic pursuits or perhaps even through grades and academics.

i guess what's really striking me now is i'm here thinking, how would God remember me by? the scholar, the bassplayer, the video guy, the one who thought more than he should? but seeing how this thought pattern goes, it's easy to see how much the emphasis is on self glorification and self worship. and it's even easier to see, just who the god is. me.

who is God? who is God that we should worship him daily, every second of the day with every breath that he has given us? now, perhaps the cry of our hearts, is that if God were to just say "well done good and faithful servant, with you i am well pleased." that would put every single thing into perspective. it would allay every doubt and affirm every insercurity.

that's the thing, for starters we should see that serving God is already a great privillage for us, but being praised by him is indescribable. unfortunately, i know in my heart, the attitutude of it is not yet prostate. it still holds on to want to worship him in my way, what i feel is best. it holds on to my own strength and in turn causes me to rely on my own strength, not his. it still desires affirmation, and man's encouragement, sometimes i disguise it with God's encouragement, but i know in my own deep heart what my spirit still desires, which is to please myself. to justify myself even that i am worth being a christian. the thing is that, its only through faith that God credits to us as righteousness. not by what we do or say, but by what we believe. or rather who we believe. there is only Jesus because he is the way, the truth and the life.

so in name, are we as christians any different from the ways of the world? we disguise our carnal desires with spiritual jargon, but perhaps it's time to examine just whether our spirit is coupled with God's truth to worship him with.

perhaps Leonard Cohen says it best in one of his songs:

And when the hunger for your touch
Rises from the hunger,
You whisper, "You have loved enough,
Now let me be the Lover."

You Have Loved Enough, Leonard Cohen

what does one person say to our great injustice?
tomorrow is shoot day. allocated 12 hours to shoot 7.5 minutes worth of film. i don't know if its overkill, but i sure am scared of ruining what little film we have. i'm so concerned with it that i'm finding it hard to concentrate on my other work. which isn't really much of an excuse to my other tutors if i ever tried explaining to them.



just the way i'm feeling.. i really miss my friends back in spore. or even just being around people. assignment heavy times are difficult periods on my life when i'd rather be making music with my bandmates or something. i'm just feeling kind of distracted right now, tomorrow's shoot isn't something i've been feeling in a while. i'm working with a somewhat new crew, and it isn't with the familiarity of the electric-cowboy. it's good in a way that i really get to try something different, but it's also scary because once you've experienced greatness, you don't know if anything else will compare. i just don't want our final cut to come out contrived and all the things i detest about murdoch film to appear in our film. i am however, really excited at the speed and pace of our preperations, and maybe our execution tomorrow. i think haste and focus can appear and show. we may not necesarily build all the layers of a highly detailed work of art, but perhaps the muse shall visit us tomorrow, and with the best of our preperation we can hope to capture just a glimpse of her.

tomorrow then! whatever happens.

in a world of robust resolute
exciting things happening in our digitally-fuelled world today. a swarm of angels is a monumental effort and project to come out of the realm of ones and zeros. by chanelling the potential of the online community, the creators seek to create a film funded by you and me. while the skeptical and wary side of us will question the validitiy of such 'donations', the team is no doubt highly professional and all futurists in the own circles. can you imagine? being part of the production element, and then having the film distributed over the internet instead of the box office? although, one wonders what happens to the cinema experience if it's done in the privacy of your personal computer. but still, exciting times ahead.

plus a just (finally!) bought a killer tee from downhill battle, so mad props to me!

what does the preacher say?
what is the fear that grips you sometimes? for me right now is that my shoot on saturday won't go well. i've given it some thought and all, but somehow i'm just afraid it isn't enough, and that it won't mean much in the end. it's funny how that paralyses you because sometimes you won't know till you try, but in my case.. when something grips me like this, i find it really hard to give my best shot. it's like i'm not in control or something, and don't deserve some sort of intervention.

fear can propel you or paralyse you i suppose. maybe i don't take well to stress, i don't know. it is kind of funny living my life with this sort of apprehensivness as i'm growing up, into an adult no less. but yeahh, will i ever measure up to what it is i'm supposed to be? or will we always be fumbling toward ecstacy. maybe i need all my answers and know how it's all going to turn out. maybe this obsession with the grand scheme of things gives me the much needed perspective, and without it, i'm just stumbling in the dark.

if i could blame it all on something, i think i should. but i can't.

watching you change
what do we do now? so far so good, i'm really glad that my mom's come over for a visit. it's encouraging, 'specially when you're feeling a little down with everything that has added up in the uni circus. university and i are in a love hate relationship, and perhaps i still subscribe to an old school thought and fear that this is going to get me where i'm gonna be in the future. it's paradoxical that it gives you freedom but paralyses you in fear at the same time, but that's how it is with me, and should i pass or fail, is that the benchmark of all things to come? am i determined by what i do here right here right now? it does sound harsh, sometimes it's easier not to exist in society, but you also can't keep running away from everything.

i watched chungking express recently and i must say it is quite my obsession lately.

what would i gain?
we justify everything we do don't we? well, that's a grand presumption i've got to admit, but usually we like a reason behind why we do something. i suppose it defines who we are based on our principles and actions.

you know how in v for vendetta when Evey was told in the letter to her, that she must not surrender that last inch of herself to the powers that be. it's really touching, the one untouchable thing that the rest can't get, the last thing that you can hold on to and say that it were untainted. the last you, don't sell yourself, don't be a whore.

but to what gain? if i carried that last bit with me to a grave, of what purpose do any of such ideals hold if and when we believe it to be a cosmic joke? if we found we were given life by aliens in an experiment, or out of benovalence, would we get the meaning of life from them? wouldn't they tell us what our existence was all about?

i think it's true when people don't like the idea of God, they do so to make him non-existant and reject him in the process. i wonder if to the unsaved spirit, that's what it is, to reject the ways of the father, and do anything in the process to not have our sins brought to light so that we have to confess them. for such is the holiness.

and perhaps, i'm also interested in that last inch within myself. it seems like the hardest thing to give up. i struggle with it daily, just how much am i willing to give up for the father. afraid to turn into something that i'm not, afraid of his plan because my plan seems safer. but is it really? that last inch we're supposed to hold on to ourselves. i want to give it up, i want to know what it really means to be a living sacrifice, holy and pleasing to God [romans 12:1]. if he is God, doesn't he deserve all worship?

he said she said
it's been awhile, it's been a long time. i think there are voices i can't get out of my head, the doubts, the neglect, the things that don't always spiral sideways out of control.

i haven't been doing much lately, just working on various assignments, i feel like a bit of a fuddy dud. i hope this isn't what growing up is gonna be like, where there's no semblance of a life. i hope to not have to look back on my days and think that those were better days, because i want each new day to be better than the day before. is that really too much to ask for?

i think i should start asking for that.

waking up slippery fishes from the super intense heat of the sun
in the far reaches of the outer rim galaxy, i'm trying to find the right words to say at the right time. to lend strength to the weary racer, just as strength was lent to me before.

did you ever notice, that people may have bad things to say about christianity, but no one really has anything bad to say about Jesus? i might be wrong, but i dont know if anyone's ever called Jesus a hypocrite, or war mongerer or lier, or thief or murderer.. you get the idea, there are times when i may disagree with various aspects of the religion, but contempt for the spotless lamb..? isn't it beautiful there he is the spotless one who died for our sins?

i run away from things
it's surreal (again) doing work in the computer labs in school. it's a lot less distracting than home, but somehow here i am again putting something online. out of bordom, and oh i got stuck in my essay, so i'm hoping this breaks the clog.

i'm thinking abit about the future today, mainly because i have an assignment coming up , that being a treatment for a documentary you would want to produce. and so it got me thinking, what would my first documentary be? it's kind of like one of those compositions you do in primary school called 'what i want to be when i grow up'. if anything, the two loves i have before i came to understand the visual medium were music and God. and as i thought about both, it reminded me that sometimes, just sometimes we could learn to be a bit 'selfish' by doing the things we are passionate about as opposed to being 'selfless', where we do things out of practicality or duty. all are admirable qualities, but i too feel that it's been awhile since i indulged in my passion for music.

i still play for worship, i'm still around music, but i perhaps i haven't fully explained this passion for the musical medium, the cultures behind it, the lessons i've learnt from it. the vocabulary of the limited theoretical knowledge i have of this wonderful and rich craft. how when someone plays a phrase on an instrument, or even with a voice, the air that moves between the source to your ears, the space in between each note is so imporatant in forming that melody, the sentences of music and just how it can remind you, of the joy of being alive. life that flows through air.

and this just scratches the surface of the many lessons i've learnt from the medium. if i'm not interested in dry theory and how it pertains to our dry society, it's time i found a niche for myself in this massive world by looking in the direction of passion, and inspiration. it beems me that friends like debz or mittie were able to contribute and give back to music what they did through their respective thesis'.

it got me thinking, it reminded me of things that needed reminding.

rocks!
smallville was rocks today with clark meeting bart allen who is actually impulse in the comic continuity! it's nice to see superheros have friends. it makes them seem more normal. -)

she drives me up the wall in varying degrees
primodial soup. it's an interesting word isn't it? it's supposedly the gunk that we came from, single celled organisms that somehow evolved into the different lifeforms we have today. quite an interesting theory.. soup. it's even more unbelievable than.. dare i say.. God? damn i love creation..

its so cool typing this with my laptop in the living room on my lap while watching smallville. i realised that my connection is much faster when azureus isn't running. damn, i hope this is not some curse for my internet connection.. not when i've come this far..

how many paces to the 'x'?

random offerings for your bemusement.





i actually found these two particularly enjoyable. i hope you did too.

well wishes,
brian

loading
put the old records on and remember the times when you used to sing along to the anthems that shaped a world so new. fast times slow times, times to make us laugh or cry. the things in between as a warning for the things to come, what lies in the past the corner stones of our beautiful shapes. glorious! magnificent, if only such things did not fade away. everything fades away, falls apart, slinks into nothingness. no more pasts, no more futures, an eternal present. your presence overwhelms even the most deft of surveyers. should i hide or laugh, i just can't get enough. you send starlight and stardust after me in my waking dreams, so love follows us the rest of our days.

signs of life
eek geek, i am a political anarchist. actually i'm not but i was trying to write some sort of a poem. haven't written strange phrases for a while now, is it the result of some stabilising force in my life? but i usually feel most stable when something around and in me is slightly loopy, which isn't so cliched but cliched enough to be weird. yes, i could be a walking stereotype, but then again i see everything in recurring patterns.

i am attacked that there is nothing glorious about my physical circumstance, i am blessed with abundant relationships and comfortable neccessities, but there is nothing glorious about the things i do or say. is that pride in me talking? wishing to have some sort of carnal recognition even in doing the supposedly spiritual things?

i have been blessed and yet i am discontent, because i know that there is something that i should be doing but i haven't. that part which is not pleasing to a God above all else can make a man walk in a shadow of guilt and remourse. and yet, i don't know how far i am willing to go with this, not allowing myself to walk in a promise.

signs of life, does mine seem barren?

Lomo Girls

Lomo Girls


a fine snap by folkstar.

my first public attempt at faking the lomo camera using photoshop. waddya think?

you feel something bubbling beneath


well, this is what i had for dinner.. although i *ahem* tweaked the picture a little. i personally don't feel like working tonight, but i'm going to have to. things aren't going so hot for me right now, can't seem to find the drive i need to work or hand up things on time. have you ever felt like you were digging your own grave? i hope i'm not, and yes.. i am afraid of turning out mediocre. very much afraid indeed. even though my life has been anything but, it's just that *sigh* i hate starting well in uni and then losing the plot somewhere halfway.

i think i've dragged this process out for too long already, 'specially since i have a short attention span. i need some family and good friends around me, kick me into another mode. but alas, they are not here now..

it has come to my attention
that while we knock down crap singaporean pronounciations like "par-qu-et", it invaluably helps to spell it as "parquet" because it shure as hell doesn't spell like "par-kay". i'm glad we made a significant contribution to spelling vith phonics.

there's a shout over the rainbow
i know i'm not fully content with my life, and i wished i put more effort into my assignments. i don't want to regret the time i've spent in perth, especially when i'm this close to completing my course. i hope that the Lord still has enough mercy and grace to see me through. i shure could use a miracle.

Found Amongst The Shadows And Light

Found Amongst The Shadows And Light


a fine snap by folkstar.

well, i think i can be quite proud of myself after spending a fair amount of time in the multimedia labs compositing my assignment. i think it looks pretty good, but then again, i don't really know how my tutors think. either way, my eyes are really tired from staring at a computer screen the entire afternoon so i'll just post this and wish that all goes well. continue working on it tommorow perhaps.

it's funny, i should have more to say. i suppose i do, but i'm just so sapped now. this is a picture i took of yvonne at yesterday's party, it's probably one of my nicer snaps...

Strange Partings Over The Night Air

Strange Partings Over The Night Air


a fine snap by folkstar.

was recording in the afternoon today, and then we headed over to Jade's to celebrate her birthday. ooooh, she made the loveliest pizzas and pasta, lotsa good food and beers. we had fun, and it was fun taking pictures again. -)

consuming and reliving
so what have i been listening to in recent times?

well, i've gotten my hands on brad mehldau who is a most amazing jazz pianist. in contrast to this, i finally decided to get serious about fourplay which is a smooth jazz quartet unlike the raw passion of brad mehldau, fourplay are calm, controlled and collected and yet warm all at the same time.

listening to jazz is my bid to better myself as a musician. i've always liked jazz but believe it or not because of my otherwise excessive and extensive musical tastes it's been hard to focus on this discipline. with losing all my previous music, it's given me the oppurtunity to rebuild a collection and re-steer my tastes. of course i'm still listening to bands like feeder, mercury rev and asobi seksu, and my hope is to one day fuse this shoegaze sort of sound with the versatility of jazz and play it at a leisurely pace. or who knows, i might have my dream of an all acoustic post rock orchestra.

that time of the year
one of my best loved dave matthews songs, 'specially when dueted with the haphazard genius of tim reynolds on second guitar. a note though, mary magdalene was not a prosititute as many a folklore believe, and also what i think this song's lyrics were trying to portray.



She was his girl, he was her boyfriend
Soon to be his wife, make him her husband
A surprise on the way, any day, any day
One healthy little giggling, dribbling baby boy
The Wise Men came, three made their way
To shower him with love
While he lay in the hay
Shower him with love, love, love
Love love, love
Love, love was all around

Not very much of his childhood was known
Kept his mother Mary worried
Always out on his own
He met another Mary who for a reasonable fee
Less than reputable was known to be
His heart was full of love, love, love
Love, love, love
Love, love was all around

When Jesus Christ was nailed to the his tree
Said "Oh, Daddy-o, I can see how it all soon will be.
I came to shed a little light on this darkening scene.
Instead I fear I’ve spilled the blood of our children all around."
The blood of our children all around
The blood of our children’s all around

So I’m told, so the story goes
The people he knew were
Less than golden-hearted
Gamblers and robbers
Drinkers and jokers
All soul searchers
Like you and me
Like you and me

Rumors insisted he soon would be
For his deviations taken into custody
By the authorities, less informed than he.
Drinkers and jokers, all soul searchers
Searching for love, love, love
Love, love, love
Love, love was all around

Preparations were made
For his celebration day
He said, "Eat this bread, think of it as me.
Drink this wine and dream it will be
The blood of our children all around,
The blood of our children all around.”
The blood of our children’s all around

Father up above,
Why in all this anger do you fill me up with love, love, love?
Love, love, love
Love, love was all around

Father up above,
Why in all this hatred do you fill me up with love?
Fill me love, love, yeah
Love, love, love
Love, love, and the blood of our children all around

broiled chicken?
why am i still hungry? especially when i'm stressed?

brian talks breakfast
having a shave is as refreshing as washing your face. but don't for a moment think that i get the two mixed up because i do them both in the morning. the fact is that if i don't shave even though i wash my face, i still feel drained, almost as if i didnt brush my teeth. and i brush my teeth every morning. so the thing is that i always feel my best with the works. hot shower, shave, brushed teeth facial scrub, toner and moisturiser. you'll feel your best even if your emotion's in knots! but that's how you successfully suppress your inner hurts and desires and face the world! taa-da!

is there colour in the small things of the world?
i just have to get this out. whilst i was waiting for my take-away just now, there was this guy after me who had a certain confidence about the way he carried himself, and when i noticed his shirt it was actually a uniform for a pharmacy. i guess he was a pharmacist, and he was there was his family, a wife and a fairly newborn kid.

and it just got to me. i got this anxiety that i'll never amount to anything, i'll never have what he has. i never studied the 'important' career path setting courses and there's no one in my immediate vincinity going to be my girlfriend, much less wife. you could say i had an attack of the 'pressures of society'.

not that they are bad things to have mind you. it's just that i've usually tried to look at things in an alternative manner, and when you guard is let down, these things do rock your foundation.

the thing is, how deep does your foundation go? this rocking has made me realise just where my foundations were, and the things that make me who i am. these principals and beliefs and not teh validation that comes from outside pressures. but i must stress, they are not bad things, i am in full respect of people who do pursue their goals and attain them, who've set out to better their lives. in fact, that is where i stand ashamed for sometimes my 'alternative ramblings' are merely an easy way out to certain pressures, and i must tell you, that one does reap what one does sow.

i want to be a nuclear test subject
there's something about the word nuclear that sends shivers down my spine. okay, that's not really true but i wanted to have something that could have the ability to do so. okay, maybe what i want is to run a finger that's been dripped in iced water down the arch of my back.

gee whizz, i have absolutely no idea what today's post is going to be about. i've been wondering if i should start podcasting, but that's probably too much work. still, it might be fun. maybe i ought to do one before this blog shuts down from a nuclear holocust.

i'm thinking of what sorta groceries i should be getting today. also, listening to funeral for a friend puts the emo in my melodramatics. i never really did master how to do all those emo poses with my guitar. it would make our gigs more interesting to watcha doncha think?

anyway, if i do think of something, i will put it up. i hope.