Monday, January 10, 2005

a bundle of irritable nerves
another day that's just come and gone. can we live like this forever, because life will ultimately catch up with us. wot is this life i speak of that chases me like the karma police? actually, at any point in our lives, the past might catch up with us, things we're ashamed of, things we wished never happened, the older we get, the more our mistakes are.

but no, i'm not particularly thinking of any one event, not now anyways. wot's been on mind recently has been the constant lack of nothing. an idle mind is prone to attack, i think that's true to a certain degree. i started on two books and i still haven't completed them, sometimes i just mull around the house waiting for something to happen. and hauntingly i don't want to make my life end up life radiohead lyrics.

a couple of things that have been on my mind though, is trying to understand the way my parents think. if you've been here before, i mentioned that they like to nag, ask me where im going, who i'm going out with, even last sunday, my mom was telling me not to play soccer with my mates because i wasn't getting enough sleep. c'mon.. i'm twenty two already, i'll play soccer if i want to. and i guess they're also trying to understand that, that we've grown up as well.. but at least there's still a mutual respect. i mean, i could've slammed a door on them or shouted or something, but even i had to remind myself that i was twenty two.

but see here.. i guess i'll never really understand until i have kids of my own. kids who will one day find me uncool, backdated for listening to silly old bands like radiohead or playing in a band like leeson. already i had a rough taste of it when i was caught breathless playing with the younger ones and tempted to save my unfit pride by railing off a "when i was your age..."

the thing is, we're all trying to save the validity of our pasts, that we weren't washouts, that right now we aren't washouts. i may be middle-aged as it is, i may or may not have had my glory years, my kids may or may not be interested, but we have to stop living in the past. like i said, i may not understand my parents till i have kids of my own, till one day they're forever seven in my eyes and will never know better. my parents could well have been like me when they were my age, and i will grow up to be like them as well. the glory of the past? all we have is now, and all we'll ever have is now.

when i start my own family, will i still be friends with all of you? will i have time away from my own family to meet with all of you every weekend for a coffee? i can't tell the future, i don't want to tell the future. i wanna live life as it is right now, that the next second is a gift, another time to savour the richness of being alive in a time like this. in our generation we have our portion of suffering, we have our portion of joy, and we make the most of wot we have as set aside by God. in trying to understand my parents a little better, it would serve to reflect just how human they are, just how much feelings they have, no matter how much they nag or they scold or do silly things, we are so much alike because we were all created to behave like human beings, not something holier than thou.

this is how your son turned out in the end
buck toothed beer advocate to be enjoyed responsibly
as snapped by amazing amelia

peace and rocks! tell your folks you appreciate them!

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