Sunday, January 30, 2005

i've never felt so much life, huddled in the trenches
first and foremost, i would like to dedicate this post to leodi, whom quite frankly if it wasn't for him who introduced radiohead to me, my musical journey might not have come this far, and had it not been for this musical journey, perhaps my own personal journey. the immense pivot of ok computer tipped the scales, and you can imagine the way out of all infinite possibilities, this path was chosen, helped by a friend such as leodi. and it didn't stop there, because he has introduced watchmen to me, which i believe is going to be another of those seminal moments in my future history. continents apart, yet.. good things ought to be shared.

well, the other thing that's been on my mind is this whole love thing. the more i love you, the closer i get, the easier it is to hurt you. sound familiar? i don't know.. perhaps i have unrealistic view, or standard of unconditional love. a friend asked me today where i stood on perhaps marriage. is it safe to say that we get married to get divorced, that we have rules so we can break them? that we have good so that evil may exist? it's abit of the paradox that is imbedded in almost all things human.

love will end. will it stop one day? after 10 years? 20 years? wot gurantee can i give that the way i feel about you now, will be the same, will be better after all those years. how many years does it take for the flame of love to be extingusihed? very cynical, very pessimistic, very morbid. perhaps a human cannot love unconditionally, perhaps that is the condition of our fallen nature? only perfect love can love unconditionally, how are we made perfect? and if nothing lasts forever, its only wots in this mortal realm, wots in this mortal love.

it has driven me to this conclusion. i cannot love like God, i can't change my own heart. how can i change it? i can't. imbued with perfection? how can i even grasp one shard of wot perfection is? God is perfect. be it black or white, one or zero, infinte subjectivities forming a singular objective. i don't claim to know how the omnicient mind percieves or concieves, give us faith, trust, hope and love. and of all these, love remains. God is love.

and so, can i love you till the day i die without hurting you? or is hurt a part of love, an integral faction in understanding another piece to the perfect puzzle. like we said before, we cannot even grasp perfection. perhaps perfection means certain imperfections here and there. i'd like to think we'll never know till we actually see it. we won't know if we could love, until we have.

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