may fled. feels like chinese new year.

the new song
oh, i could have been working on an essay, but no.. i went down to scott's place with paul so that we could jam. a much needed release in it's own right. well, we had beer, looked at our gig footage, laughed at our mistakes and dissed each other's playing. then we hit the room and wrote a daymn new song. it's pretty daymned wicked, great locking down groove with scott.. very indie-ish.. nu-wave interpolisque guitars and drumming. all in all, we had sucha blast making up some great hooks and build-ups for an exciting new song! aren't may fled days just too darned interesting?

onwards, bright lights, stop and fight
yikes, i'm kinda blank now. just got back from uni, and then i automatically came online because i had been wanting to blog. but as usual, i'm blank, i don't really know wot i'm supposed to be saying, or wot i should be updating. in some sense, i don't really know wot to say, if i should be saying anything at all, or if i want to say anything.

but then again, here i am, pouring out my heart towards you, my unseen but faithful audience.

hmmmm.. perhaps a bit of updates just to get the ball rolling.

we're looking at a busy week next week, with an essay due at the end of the week, helping out in mitty's film for about three days, my own film project which requires my undying attention. there's may fled plans and jams probably, the usual church commitments. wot else do i wanna do? that's right, i want to burn all my mp3s into cds, so that i can finally free up some space on my laptop. i know i said that months ago. this time.. i will procrastinate less. ermmm.. catch up with work? can't forget that.. prepare for mission trip? jeepers.. i don't think im really looking forward to next week. doing so many things really doesn't put your life into perspective, remember that kids!

anyhows, to take things one step at a time, going to jam with edmund later. hopefully it'll be fun.. i just wanna sort of space out for the two hours or so.. just being caught in a moment, chasing after the muse. maybe i'll write a song sometime.. been a musician for so many years.. but i've never really written a song that stood the test of time. not that i've written that many songs.

and i also wonder wot the non-blogging community thinks about us folk who do blog? well, it's just a hobby.. i don't attach too much value to my musings. and i guess i'll thank each and everyone of you who still bother to read some random thoughts from my brain. i guess i'm not out to change the world thru this.. mebbe it gives me some sense of relief that someone out there is listening, but not necessarily have to agree. is that all there is to it? well, it was fun.. still is fun. in pursuit of hedonism?

frankfurt to home
have you guys checked out the analog girl before? support sporean artists, there really is some talent. even if it 'sucks', think about some raw talent out there. local art will never take off if there is no support, but we still keep doing wot we do in all the ways that we can. in that way, we will never die.. art cannot be created or destroyed, it is converted in one form to another. but even so, i think it'll fade away some day..

finding yourself
we're not exactly contemplating much really. not now, not much.. life's been a nice slow, very thankful. have had time to take a break from work, make sense of things, meet up with friends, meet up with self, have you been meeting up with God? sometimes we all take a break from things, even taking a break from God. not exactly the best ideas. i think perhaps its when the things we normally do for Him, we start doing for ourselves and run on our own strength, then it becomes dreary and weary. or when we take things too lightly perhaps. true we surrender, but we can't also sit back an 'imagine' the work gets done. the key word here is 'imagine'. we live a life of faith, not dreams. like in naruto: ny dreams are only in the past. don't dream through your future..

also, who sticks by you at your weakest, most disgusting and slimey, dirty and grimey, when really.. no one human could ever show you love. God's the one through it all. -)

bearer of gifts and ill news
right, i can only stay awhile, but i've been downloading ambient electronica off this site : ryoondo-tea. ethereal trip outs, don't let the lights go out. hope it makes you glad.

not been doing much in real life except work and avoiding work. postings when i've got more time folks!

hearts and youth
its interesing to read the archives of this blog. i never gave it much though, these archives. never once had i written anything on this blog that was meant to be kept for historical purposes. i approached the subject of blogging and typing these thoughts down as violent cathartic releases that spasm out when you least expect them to. if i wanted to remember something, i'd write it down, if i wanted to tell you something, i'd tell you. but these, as with the old website were all random ramblings. not for archival purposes, a social experiment if you will, as to the inconsistency of life in general.

so it just proves that life's changed, and i've changed since the inception of this blog. it makes me wonder if i've been stowing away in myself. nay i say, i think i've been more marco in my outlooks, however, in some twisted way, the marco is also microing my outlook, if all i can look is the macro. y'see, have i forgotten to be human and sensitive to important feelings when they do strike? or do i throw caution to the wind, and write just how i really feel off at these junctions in life? but i guess that's why He still allows me to live on, there's more to find out for His glory.

stay posted folks

bold streaming
may fled played their first public gig today at the castle. it wasn't too bad, but it wasn't too good either, attributing the sloppiness to a lack of practice. but all in all it was good because we made it to the semi-finals (they were supposed to choose 2 out of 4 playing bands, but only 2 bands turned up), and we also managed to secure a paying gig next sunday afternoon. that should be interesting, our first paying gig. well.. i'm kinda excited, at least we're getting regular slots hopefully, and more importantly, getting paid to further fund our demo.

choosing between living and dying
the future is a catalysmic forelon one. to some we're already dead, to another it's worth living for, there is a value on human existence that is un-valuable. perhaps there is a future to live for or to die in. i'm not really here to tell you how to live, mebbe im still figuring it for myself. sometimes you think you've got it figured out, i'm quite glad i'm put in my place with these things. guess after all these years, i still enjoy terminator 2: judgement day. guess there are many themes that happen in that film, which are subject to argument, but i kind of like the present hope it gives. not that the world will turn out alright, or that even people will turn out alright. i don't know.. something about carrying on the war, it starts now, and it doesn't stop till you're dead. guess all i can do is wish you godspeed in your own battles.

|PhaseR|
the past is entertaining sometimes. today's title is my very first online alter ego. it was a time when napkin man was known as ^PeaceD^, and it brings a embarressed grin that i still can't spell, and that i'd fashion a nickname after a friend who introduced me to the mIRC. i mean, phaser was purely my own doing, but puting two ||'s was like some kinda homage to wot i thought was cool. so now you know, some stupid 'lil inane history lesson that should broaden your world view and increase your intelligence ten fold. tomorrow when i share the reason why i blog, you will develop light-speed engines and discover the empirical value to the meaning of life.

so there we have my life on a platter, see you when i get back to spore for those in spore. im kinda missing it there somewhat, having been here for so long already -)

alternate realities
when you come back late at night, in between sleep, shower and readings, one's mind can start to wonder. tonight, at dawn, it started to wonder back to young love. as far as young love goes, i was really into two crushes, and i have never fallen into love. tonight i thought back to my second crush, and how she made me feel, and we keep in touch somewhat, and i can see her pictures and see how happy she is. and perhaps it'll always get to me that she's happy. don't get me wrong, i really love to see her happy, it's hopefully not some kind of foolish pride on my side, but yeah.. she always had the sweetest smile and the most down to earth personality. she could dress up in sparkling diamonds, but she couldn't hide that she was still the girl next door. that sort of kindness, as i look back now, is perhaps wot i'm looking for right now.

and it's not envy i feel, but for her to have someone else, those two must be really happy. i dunno, but i'd treasure something like her, even though i can't say i've never really known her more than i've already known her. the utter reality of it all ? that i'm not allowed to second guess wot i've yet to feel? perhaps, but at least i know now that i'm not looking for a trend, or a passing phase.. at least tonight, in the surrealism of beauty, fading in and out of then and now.. i've found a constant, something that exists hopefully in somebody out there. a quality, that warms my heart, even after it's been cold for so long.

yeah, she will warm my heart again.

geek in me : gillian anderson is just fine...

go-kart shopping
went rig hunting with jon today, and it was quite fruitful. buying a rig is such long term planning, and as it looks like right now, i have a few options.

eden-nemesis nc210

this is the sweetest plug and play combo amplifier i've seen in awhile. i was a bit reserved about solid state combos because i've always wondered whether it could fill a room. i tried this 'lil one out, and she rocks. fills out the room like a beauty. well, i exaggerate, but she sounds fine, smooth as hell for bassing, warm too. not overtly tight as the next baby i'll mention. the good things about the nemesis is that i can start gigging straight away, practice will be a breeze. it's got so many line-out options, i'll be able to rig up another cabinet or slave another poweramp and cabinet to have a monstrous rig. so all in all, this is a good start, and will probably see me thru my stay in perth. only problem is that i was thinking of taking a pre-amp system back for holidays so i got something to gig with, record with.. y'know.. just something to do some casual tone-sculpting if need be. jon assures me direct in is the best bet. well, if that's the case, i wouldn't mind lookin' for some kick arse pre-amp stompboxes that might work that majik. such as the mxr bass di.

wawrick 211

this little one here is a beauty. two 10-inch speakers and a bright tweeter that makes everything you play seemed squeezed from its gonads. very good for tightening out and having clarity in your tone. i first though of getting her and borrow jon's rig in the meantime, and he can always borrow it to augument his rig anytime too. in fact, this baby will basically work for the both of us.

so the issue right now, is which to get first. i'll get more dedicated power if i take the wawrick first, and possibly have a bigger sound. but it means i don't exactly have an amp of my own. getting the nemesis means that i can gig without borrowing jon's rig, at the expense that i might get drowned out. i was thinking that i might box myself in with the nemesis in that i can't break out of its mold, but as it looks like, it's really ideal for the kinda music i do. it's great for practice and the casual jam now and then. in fact, it frees me up for so much more gear because i got one side covered. like, jon can get a poweramp for his current, and i can always borrow it, and complement it with the wawrick if and when i finally do get it.

man, it's like transformer gesalts, combining all those different parts for the monster robot. yes, i do want a kick-arsed rig. it's every bassplayer's dream!

for we may not survive the night
hello. just like the sound of that, it's almost romantic. despairity and a companionship with someone of spending your last moments together. i don't really know wot that feels like, i can only imagine. i don't know if i want to feel like that, whether its too much for me to give, and too far for me to go. mebbe it scares me, mebbe i've retracted myself from this 'loving you' bit. mebbe i actually don't believe in it anymore, and i'll only let you down. mebbe all i can give, is the neutral kind of love that you can depend on, but not the romantic kind where i give my heart to you and only you. because so many of us still need love, and i cannot just give myself to only you. would it be selfish in that way?

walking on the sun
i walked out this morning because it was getting to cold in the house. as the sun warmly touched my skin, not overtly crispy but sensuously sizzling, i was happy. when i looked up, i saw an unfamiliar sky, unlike the sky in spore, and whilst we're all underneath the samw big sky, i could acknowledge that i was in another world, another paradigm. behold, it was good.

shaddap
first things first, the news. leeson is now online. this is an important milestone in personal history.

i think the title phrase "shaddap" just hasn't been typed out by anyone in quite awhile, that it looks strangely peaceful and calm. its almost like it isn't telling anyone to shut their traps. well, i think the letters go together nicely, kinda like "yelp"

and so it goes, that this is the end, that this is the begining of everything that is to come to pass.

shhhhh
just got home. i'm like all smug, but there isn't anyone to smug to because they're all asleep. so yeah, it's not about smugging to the person next to you, more than it is about having confidence in wot you do. you may have done the most important thing in the world, but if they're just not interested, you just can't force them.

but anyhow, i spent 1630 till 0100 in the editting suites. my group members spent longer. and we didn't even get the whole thing done. it's scary this degree of elusive perfection we're trying to concieve. but in some strange way, this documentary about nothing in particular is slowly making us fall in love with it. shure we get tired, and disgusted by the sheer magnitude of it all, but she's got a hold on us, and we just can't get enough.

i just mentioned something to the guys regarding the value of our documentary. and trust me, it came as just a spout, but hell, even i would be impressed. we're doing a documentary about exclamations, and so in the fear that we might be seen as seperating ourselves too much because we're an all sporean group, and we're sharing so much about spore, we were concerned we'd be seen as snootish.

but the essence of it all, is that we're studying language, why we're still attracted to saying all the same sporean things even whilst in perth. because if all we had were ozzie friends, a certain part of us would die. the part that we grew up in. why we say nabei or kan ni nah, little taken for granted things like that. we would literally fade away if we didnt get a chance to say it while in perth. and perhaps we're trying to survive, preserve a certain part of our being simply from the language and exclamations we use. and perhaps why nostalgia seems to help sustain our survival. well, it does sound believable..

absence without thought
hey guys, so sorry for being caught missing in action since tuesday. but y'see.. my cell and film crew decided to play a prank on me. basically, they exchanged my room with the dining room, paper-machayed my car and poured cream, flour and eggs onto my frail human form. in fact, they put in so much effort, it would be wrong to feel as if they saboed me, but rather, i have to see it as like a great effort for a suprise party. and i was genuinely suprised. either that or i'm superbly gullible. prolly a combination of both.

so not really much updates, same'ol same'ol.. now that the computer's back online, i can update more frequently! thanks for all your birthday wishes everyone! really appreciate them whilst i'm in perth! gonna have to turn in early, massive day morrows, starting with church at eight. tas!

lest we forget
just thought of the best way to destroy the singapore armed forces. instead of declaring "nationwide nsf day", basically, every single nsf now, signs-on with the millitary. they will be unable to cope with such labour constraints, and pretty soon, with the gahmen saturating its budget into defence (ie, paying for incompetence), pretty soon the war machine will cave in on itself and implode. you see, the only reason why national service has been able to survive this long is because they pay me (nsf) a quarter to a fifth of say wot a regular would get, thus allowing the defence budget to not blow up in the face of patriotic numbnuts who refuse to think farther than the barrel of a gun.

just imagine the scenario of the recruitment officer when your entire BMT school one sends in an application to sign on. and why should anyone turn us down for such an important and noble cause? that we should serve for it? we wanna take it one step further, we want to COMMIT to the DEFENCE of our NATION! SINGAPORE BOLEH!!! MERDEKAHH!!! LKY is my LIM PEI!! daymn. i shure love the the days spent in the army. i should have signed-on and made mediocrity the motto of my life.

dear friend
dear jeannie, you wrote me a most heartfelt birthday greeting. love you loads.
dear vinz, you gave me shout-outs and friendship
dear cherie, thanks for your awesome card that reminds me so much of all that needs reminding
dear ian, thanks for remembering
dear jo, thanks for the card
dear cell : jos, peivn, charles, angie, angela, evelyn, jimmy, jess, amy, james, you are tremendous support, big part of perth life
dear elps, thanks for still reading
dear yuen, your kind words make me smile
dear film-crew : gaurusawa, uncle d, syrian, thanks for the pure madness
dear folk back home, i love you lots, thank you for loving me
dear mayfled, thanks for the jams
dear thomas, thanks for keeping in touch

everyone, thank you so much from the bottem of my heart.

wish
if i had the power to create, wot would be first?

something magical's going to happen
we just got back from the cold outside. we being me. i use the collective, because sometimes i believe i'm really all these different people in one body. they don't clash and they get along pretty well. it's not that i have an identity crisis, it also stems from a twisted way of avoiding the attention to self, because after all this time, there really isn't anything about self. so we try to spread the ugliness apart, in the hope that people won't notice.

so lets get raptured and forget the rest ever happened.

if we were so selfish.

we(plural) had been working on the documentary after so long. and i think the break was really well needed. we have a new vigor for it, as well as a closer deadline. some of us crack under pressure. we might still, but i think in this case, we're gonna tighten the reigns pretty much so, and in the end, have something we're proud of. i dunno, the four of us working on moving pictures. if there was a band, perhaps there could be a crew of sorts with a constant vision. a collective of creative ability. and i dunno how we could all view ourselves, but there's something about being maverick, and lawless. a unit of well-oiled mercenaries that get the job done. striking without fear, fluid as water and sharp as a bullet. professionals who never take longer than wots needed, and never less than wots expected. i dunno, role-playing is fun, and that's wot i like about the collective. the singular in the multiple, the ability to bounce and feed off one another like vampires. represented as a unit, or by a figure-head, it makes no difference when the medium is established, and the shocking death is released upon our scorched earth.

borne out of necessity
into a dream
i took a turn
and promised to return
the way we were
the way we met
the way i lit your cigerette
the way it trails
into a stream
and lay down between

- tonight it shows, mercury rev

been following a little on the tragedy in Beslan, and its a really sad story. the spirit of violence that is sweeping through the world. how perhaps when one voice wants to be heard, it screams to be heard over the sea of people. how some people physically act out their ideals, and look down on those around them, but herding them as sheep.

pray for them before you rest tonight

i wonder if my heart has grown up somewhat, and i hope it doesn't grow apathetic just to protect myself from hurt. it's happened before, and it was easy to not weigh the world on my shoulders. but now, i've been learning for awhile now, i was not meant to live alone like that. i may not always have friends, but i'm not meant to be alone. and i thank God for family and friends alike, who're God-send angels in their own right. i know i'm not always there, but my prayers go out to you. we try to be our best, sometimes it's tiring, sometimes its invigorating. i mourn the loss of friends, or the disappointment vice-versa. so now, i try to care, not in my own strength, because my own strength fails me. i can't or won't be who you want me to be, i can only give you this much, sometimes i give more, sometimes i give less. i will fail you even if i tried not to. such is the way of the human phileo love. i've learnt not to long for a person who isn't there, i dunno if i've lost heart, i can't discern right now. only now, i am glad, because it's not a priority. but maybe i still do need someone, to help in the work. when it happens, it'll happen. but don't mistake the lack-lustre attitude for that of someone who is unable to love.

gaze
your dream is that reality exists, but in reality, only your dreams exist.

our perception, in the realm of our mind, that is our dreamstate. where we percieve, form, construct, associate, empower and all their direct opposites. you tell yourself wot's real and wot isn't. in the realm of your imagination, that's where your dreams lay dormant, almost passing off as reality.

and this is the reality, that the world is the stage where we act out scenes from our dreams. the only real thing is this vast canvas, stage where we dance, sing, paint, tremble and narrate the secrets of our dreams.

i think that's wot neon genesis evangelion: the end of evangelion might have been trying to bring across.

it does get me thinking a little, wot is this reality i make of, and wot God has to say about it. but i think this is just to understand the psychosis of our minds, rather than to question reality. i mean, in this case, be they dreams or wot not, it seems so real. wot then defines something as real? who then defines something as real? i mean, the stage is "real" and the reality is "real", just that wot we construct is "un-real, not fake". yeah, so its a question of wot's unreal but not fake perhaps. but it dosen't get in the way of my existence. which is another thing to ponder about. the reasong for being. -) and i think that's where i find God waiting for me.

tapping into feminity

you are robin! still young and a bit unsure of
your abilities, nonetheless you are a force to
be reckoned with, a real hidden dragon


which witch hunter robin character are you?
brought to you by quizilla

right, i'll never be past these quizzes. do i actually think you'll know me better by associating myself with these quizzes? rhetorically speaking of course.

am i wrong or am i wrong?
you say you want pro-choice. who gave the choice to the embryo for your pleasure? and you! who said you could touch her in the first place? is this how you show your love? by putting her thru the distress of an unwanted pregnancy? you who advocate pro-choice. you.

special assignment
the reality of it is that we're not celebrities played out by the media, but we're celebreties in our own right. sometimes i think people try too much to be wots on tv, but they can't because tv is biased. the media is biased. it displays one side of the story and has the sickening power to sensationalise and glamourise. mebbe sometimes we're really trying to escape, and pretend we're beautiful people as well. i know there are alot of physically beautiful people out there, and correct me if i'm wrong, but i think some of us get a kick getting associated with these people. thinking that if i know and hang with this person, i can't be that bad. it's called guilty by association, and perhaps we all have lapsed into that at one point or another.

your special assignment, is to start having a certain kind of self-confidence. if you're Christian, then i would say it's a confidence in God that glorifies Him, because who you are, is who He made you to be. in seeking Him, you become less and less, and see how fleeting who you think you are really is. -)