confessionals
ohhh.. just listening to simply red puts me in an awfully smokey mood. the songs you grew up with, when songs were still good and arrangement was paramount. when talent could not be contested. oh well, just had two tests in the afternoon and i'm coughing from the amount of smoke grenades i popped to get thru'em. i'll see the light soon, the light will find me.

speaking of light, i was watching this prison drama called oz (which is a daymn good show i might add) last night and there was this commentry going on at the end where this inmate was talking about how skeptical people who find something that works for them become fanatics. fanatics are the ones that screw up the world, because they think they've got some divine light of god behind them. he goes on to say how for most of us, we don't need some divine light, because light blinds us. in the darkness, we just need enough light so we don't hot our toes on something on the way to the toilet.

very dark, very poetic, almost inclined to agree somewhat. but i know wot its like a little, the darkness. and how the celebration of light is not about fanaticism. i've said it before, don't talk about darkness like it's cool, because when you can't even tell wots in front of you, you're totally and utterly lost. have bigger concepts of the life we lead! there's more to it!

but just to show the biblical principle that fanatic light isn't good.. there is a verse that goes "your word is a lamp to my feet, and a light unto my path". also, having enough light to see wot's in front of you, keep you on the right path. soooo, all in all.. an interesting thought.

as if it were the last night on earth








we finally wrapped our shooting for the module, and this was just one of the many locations we visited.

in other news, also celebrated peivn's birthday last tuesday. attached are my lovely housemates, and me as usual acting cute.

out of the heart comes bloom
well, i'd just like to thank God for seeing me thru this entire day. i am back in the comfort of my room, wrapped up today's shoot as well as edited the 'lil plug for church camp to be screened tomorrow. it's been an insane day, but God has taught me so much about trusting him with the time that He has set aside for me. that even though if i'm only gonna rest three hours for tonight, He will use those three hours to do His work, because my time is His time. and for all the unfinished work i have, trusting in God is more than just counting hours. still learning, still learning, now to be a better steward of my time, and go to bed right after i push "post".

a breath of new life
well, big ups to paul who's done up the mayfled website. there, you'll be able to download one (and only one) of our favourite songs. but hey, it's a good start before things start getting really kickass. also, the production crew is over at mine now, so while everybody (everybody loves you when you're easy), so i'm just getting an entry in before things start getting heated up. still have to edit tonight! cry!

may the dawn heal us of all infirmities
i got up at eight thirty this morning, just so i could run a few errands before going off to worship practice at two. however, setting up my bass took longer than expected, and after three hours, it's finally done. and i feel as if half the day has gone by already. still, there is a sense of satisfaction that i managed to do everything myself, but it is terribly draining. now i'm supposed to get an edit done to publicise camp tomorrow, but i dunno if i'm gonna have enough time. and then it's off to a shoot in the evening that looks like it's gonna take all night. God help me. have to get up at six thirty tomorrow just to reach church by seven thirty. i shure could use an energy boost, but as long as God is the strength of my heart, i guess the storm will weather thru.

wot we do in our spare time









bad excuses for good pictures

mindless grapes
well, the old comments thingy mucked up on me, don't know why.. so i'll settle for a haloscan comments page. be shure to send us your love!

help recover the next generation
how do i scream out the words? how does it all come crashing around? when you look left to right, centering on the souls of others, perhaps pieces of yourself you will grab onto. and judge less you may. so don't be oblivious to the things surround, turn a blind eye when they cut you. these are the instructions to life, don't listen to any of them. please please, i plead and implore you to just fill up this white space, and then you will know wot i mean. how everything falls apart, and makes sense to it all. get inside my head, and start tapping to the rhythmn in your soul. hold on, hold on, because when it's drifting all around, wot is left to do but hold on? be washed away, by the currents of pseudo life, hold on, to the rules of pseudo life. slowly it's not making anymore sense then it did at the begining. i've almost lost the will to live, the last shard of life i hold on to. it is the savage tomorrow, it is the clear day today. the gathering storm, the madness surrounds us on this cold morning. it is the gathering storm, and we will gather away, bind our spirits together, entwined and we shall live forever in the hearts of each other. it is the final call for today. birth.

guilty as a chosen cheese curl
if i haven't been here, it's because i've been working on my assignments. it feels terribly lonely now, and i know i've had my fair share of fun, but i guess i never want the fun to end. do i have a lot of growing up to do? i think so, this responsibility almost feels like it's killing me, suffucating me. why do i feel like i just want to quit school, why do i somehow know it's not gonna get any easier?

bear with me, if it wasn't for God, i wouldn't know for who else to look to. someday in our real lives, i'll tell you in totality wot it is i'm going thru. now this dream passes, and i slowly slink back into the driftings of unconcious life.

to feel your touch of hope.

link luck
just go to the link and download the mp3, its by the brian jonestown massacre.

link

dark lord of the sith
i know i should be doing an essay instead of watching this, but.. i just can't resist it. 'specially with the festivities

star wars spoofs

day brightener

yes! the poet that inspired Jim Morrison!

You are Arthur Rimbaud - a vital, cannon-changing
poet with a flare for tantrums. You tend to
write in a fever, and have a liking for the
disordered mind. Do't expect people to
understand you, for you are ahead of your time.


Which Dead Poet Are You?
brought to you by Quizilla

in no uncertain terms
i'm wondering whether i've posted this title before, i may have, but i still think it makes a good one -) well, today was just a great day of recuperation, in fact, recuperation has been happening since friday. just being in the company of fellow believers is really encouraging, because you see a different part of God in all of them. also, my own housemate blessed me so wonderfully on friday, when i was so tired from working on my campaign and still had a shoot in the afternoon that when i came home totally zonked, she offered me a bowl of yong tau foo when i was too tired to cook. i was close to tearing, but was too tired to. hahaha, but yeah.. this is wot the body of christ is, the sort of practical love where actions speak louder than words. -)

at long last
i finally remember wot i wanted to post about a while back!

it's somewhat ironic that many people would like to be loved unconditionally in a relationship but don't believe in the institution of marriage and its ideals anymore. granted that so many marriages these days end in divorce, but do you see where i'm driving with this? you want the unconditional love, but are unwilling to believe in an institution that encourages this commitment. the institution isn't flawed, its more so because we take advantage of it so much.

by saying you don't believe in the institution of marriage, is almost as good as saying that you don't believe you deserve unconditional love, or perhaps you don't need to be loved and acknowledged in this lifetime. i wonder if anyone can truely say that. because day in and day out, i think most of us try to find some way to validate our lives. because wot is the purpose of this existence, if there is no validation? can we validate our own lives? can you truely trust yourself to the core, that wot you're doing is right, makes sense, counts for something?

external validation is just as important as inner confidence. it's alriht to appear weak. face up to your weaknesses, and seek that which fills you from the depths of your core and allow it to overflow, spill out and unable to hold it back in. because you cannot help it anymore.

let the flame burn brighter
ah tan passed me this musical baton, so here goes.

Total volume of music files on my computer:

(according to windows media player)
19g - 3709 files

The last CD I bought was:

Yu Ya - Yü Jian

Song playing right now:

The Roots - Pussy Galore

Five songs I listen to a lot, or that mean a lot to me:

1. Benton Falls - Angel On Hiatus
2. Sarah McLachlan - Wait
3. Jill Scott - I'm Not Afraid
4. Led Zeppelin - When The Levee Breaks
5. Grails - In The Begining

Five people to whom I’m passing the baton:
1. napkin man
2. alywin
3. tham
4. lyndon
5. bruce

if nothing could tear us apart
i'm lapsing into a lack of conciousness. according to withness accounts, people have only been communicating with an instinct than with a soul. last night never existed, it's all a blur with today. that's wot lack of sleep does to you, and that doesn't even count the craziness that's happening next week. will i survive? pray for us.. pray hard..

super deatomizer frank of oz!
i'm hysterical now, grey matter is leaking out as i try to hold the eyeballs back in from the constant fatigue of assignments

enjoy this is the meantime:

zefrank's advice to you

drawing from an empty well
sometimes i wonder how i just get through a day. sometimes you have many activities, but its the days that are flippant and empty that leave a gaping hole in your heart. it's difficult to find motivation to even do anything, and all this just adds up to a despairing emo rut where nothing doesn't ever seem to matter.

which is not a good thing.

because there's more to this

and you have to start living like you mean it.

i've been listening to a lot of the youth-y and trendy worship albums recently, mainly as a resource for co-ordinating worship for this year's church camp. i'm actually liking a lot of wot i hear, and i'm wondering if there ever will come a point in time in the future where i actually turn my back to the secular music scene and concentrate on christian music. seems far fetched as it is right now, but one never knows and it's all for You.

my reaction for today
i wonder that if i disagreed, you (generic) would see it as narrow-mindedness. whereas i see natural discension as wot keeps the world spinning, wot keeps us on our toes, wot makes our beliefs worth believing. if i disagreed, with something that simply sounds like the status quo, that if i were to say to you, that in all our open-ness today we have all become closed to one another, choosing to believe in only wot fits our lives. does anyone really understand, that being open is just another school of thought as being bigoted and closed-minded? that we just don't have the capacity to cater to the infinite because our physical beings were not created to house the infinite concepts of reality and even sub-reality.

i don't know whether people today still believe in unconditional love, but i'm just finding it ironic that everyone's looking for a slice of heaven, but no one's exactly willing to give it all up for a shot at heaven.

i'll say it once and say it again, answers are simple statements that we agree to, that is, it fits our agendas albeit myopic. objective truth (not a subjective fragment of objective truth) on the other hand is not something we will always find fitting to us, but something if you're truely seeking, is something we may have to fit into. it's a matter of who's at the center of being, yourself, or something else?

dry the rain
if i could be the rain, that binds together the earth and the sky, who in all eternity will never mingle.. would i be able to bind the hearts of people together?

- orihime inoue, bleach

just another reason why this makes quite a great anime.

you have a funny knack for stating the obvious
hooyas! quite an adventure tonight i'd say. went out with melvin and grace to get some test shots at the perth museum just now, where we met two very socially retarded guys. kids basically who tried to coax us into giving them our camera, and when we said we couldn't do that and proceeded to leave the place in a jiffy, they disrespectfully caught up with us, threatened us and hit melvin and myself out of the blue. i got pushed to the ground and we each got socked in our faces quite startlingly, but my adrenaline was pumping already and i really really wanted to retaliate.

and somehow strangely we were still very calm, man.. i was so angry. just wanted to swing the camera case (made of a hard substance) square into my assailant's jaw. shure he'd lose a few teeth, but hey i'd feel a whole lot better about the situation. well, i just thank God that no one got seriously hurt, and it's all still flowing in me right now. like, i could have done something totally out of character but i didn't. we backed away from a scuffle because they had about four more friends nearby, and we had to look out for grace as well.

so here it is, the single worst experience i've had in perth. i'm just so so disappointed and disillusioned right now. at this point in time, i can't seem to have any compassion or understanding, because right now.. i just feel like violence and a manual face-lift would solve the turmoil right now. in some sense, i'm sick and tired of being looked at like we can be walked over. i'm so sick of this dis-respect people have towards one another, this antagonising stupidity.

i won't even reserve a ounce of sympathy for any of them no matter wot their situation for taking it out on a fellow human being. i wanna cut something in two with a big bad-ass knife like symbol. sadly, i can't redeem this part of the world, so i'll be content with tell you just how i feel right now.

people do fight back, remember that. don't push your luck, because someday you may just get someone kicking your door down and knocking your brains out with a baseball bat called sense

SCREW YOU AND YOUR SELF-RIGHTEOUSNESS!!

i am a lost child
so the week finally winds down and i guess i've got some room to breathe tonight. just tonight. but i'm glad, finally played a kickass show at the newport. i left early, so i dunno wot the reaction's gonna be like, but i really had more fun at this gig. just wished i had more time to get more mates down for support.

well, when i think about it, in almost three weeks, university is going to end, and there goes another semester in the blink of an eye. it's way too fast really, and before i know it, agape camp will take place and i'll be back in spore as well. somehow, apart from my folks, friends and baybeats.. i don't know if there's anything else to look forward to this break. i feel somewhat lost, don't have any long term plans for internships and all that. it scares me somewhat, that i'm still taking it so easy. starting to wonder if i need a crash course into the school of hard knocks.

apologies that this seems very fragmented, but i think that's how i somehow feel right now. facing up to certain things, moving on in certain areas, unable to let go in some. but i suppose that's life, and everyday's an adventure to find out something new about the things that happen to you, and the things that you happen to others.

i will boldly reclaim the freeways
had an extraordinarily strange friday the thirteenth yesterday. i think may thirteen two thousand and five will forever be knwon as the day perth doo-ba-boom-ed (ref. Tang, Melvin 2005). basically, we were in the city getting some test shots for our project, and then as we were going back there was this massive jam, and we were driving around in circles simply because the city council had closed off the south bound exits because of a burst water main along the freeway (capable of filling up several olympic sized swimming pools). now, we're smarter than that, so we try going by alternative routes, but no.. even those bypasses were clogged like an obese kid's final mega-burger. so basically, the city of perth experienced a heart attack, du-ba-boom!!!! well, we finally decided to wait it out, so did many others. so it makes one wonder if this was all some ploy to increase revenue on the city's late night shopping days.



fru fru is finally going to launch on may fifteen, if you've ever been a fan, you would have known already, if you just want attention by association, now you know. just spreading the word, and give sporean designers a shot!

volatile lightbulbs
i detest this, my post didn't come through and all i remembered was that the title involved lightbulbs (and almost having nothing to do with the post). and i just described my day yesterday, but since it's not gonna come out now, you just have to imagine wot i did yesterday.

and i ended off with this in the previous post:

"and this feels like the time to end off again with

see you on the other side"

now lets hope this stupid thing falls through

cracked funeral
dischord, funny birds, new words and fallen stars. gahhhh~! oh well, we didn't make it through the heats, but it just ended up being good exposure for us. some folk reckon we should've gotten through, but we don't live for past glory, just moving forwards. well, it doesn't really mean much, because the encouragement we got from other bands, one of the judges all still was a reward for showcasing your own original work. in fact, we managed to score another gig playing at one of the judge's birthday party next thursday at the Norfolk! so that's another outlet to get heard, and test-drive your material y'know? no point winning a competition and stopping there.

pen woes
in order to use a ball point pen, sufficient pressure has to be applied in order that ink may flow. pressure is calculated as force divided by area. however, ink will not be able to flow if equal pressure is not applied back by the surface against the pen.

i find this relationship strangely exciting, much like there's a balance we need to uphold and how everything little thing could and should make sense.

leaves a bitter taste
tomorrow is our uni gig, and we're pretty psyched about playing there i guess. i dunno, the prize is pretty small, but good nonetheless. three songs recorded, pressing of cds, a spread in the uni rag, perhaps play at the end of semester bash. i mean, publicity and free stuff is always a good thing. so lets hope we do well. -)

how would i describe may fled's music?

i'd just say it was honest to goodness stuff, that lacks pretense and fanfare, but all the wholesome goodness of introspective songwriting. couple that with a kickass rhythm section and you've got one of the tightest and loosest three-piece combinations all at once. our songs are alive, and they will seek you out just for singing's sake. if you have a voice, it's our dream to get it heard.

date: 11th may 2005
time: 430pm
venue: murdoch uni tavern

the biggest liar
because now my eyes are fading fast, as the world collapses around me.

making some sense of spontaneous history
i texted myself "wot do you treasure more than life" at service this morning. so it must mean that something must've hit me then, so that i could type about it now. bear with me.

can't exactly remember the exact details of my thought process, but i think it goes something like.. us trying so many ways and means to ensure that our life on this earth goes the way we want it to. we all have some semblance of an idea of how we want our lives to turn out. and i think, the more we try to protect that way of life, the more myopic we get in serving those needs.

more than life, is there more to life than life itself? when we take apart the 60-70 odd years of existence compared to the billion or so years (as science would have us believe), does that something mean nothing? it's a bit of a paradox, 1 out of infinity equals to zero, yet, this existence is probably more complex than my rudimentary mathematics. and it makes me wonder if people avoid this topic of life after death, or life itself because we are afraid of wot we do not know. do we write of the possibilty of life after death because of that? believeing in only wot we see?

God uses the foolish things of the world to shame the wise. pretty strong words, having faith involves believing in some very pre-enlightenment concepts. often spurned upon as silly and back-dated. sometimes we think we're closer to the truth with advancement, but i think we sometimes fail to see that in the past, history might have been closer to the source of truth.

anyhow, back to the main topic. all i'm saying is that i'm pretty convinced that most of us have thought about that, wot is the meaning to life, is there more to life? but many a times, we kinda stop at being caught up with life itself. it becomes a snare that binds us in its gaze because it is the most visable, most obvious thing around us. and we try to make so much sense of it that it takes up a lot of our energy because our senses are devoted to it.

i don't have any answers to life, but i have insights into the afterlife. strange perhaps, but it adds new perspective to this otherwise temporal passing. '

so yeah, wot do you treasure more than life? because that might end up defining you and your views and you get thru this phase.

the magic kitchen
well, i think we hosted one of our most heart-warming dinner parties last night. six people, six dishes and one gastronomic experience! on the menu we had assorted drinks *ahem* very important, ceasar salad by marilyn, mushroom risotto by peivn, yours truely made a thick asparagus soup with prawn skewers, derrick put together a fabulous lamb roast and bernie topped it off with a rum rasin semi-fredo with honey wafers on the side.


busy in the kitchen, chaos ensues..


as peivn proudly shows us her gourmet ingredients to yummy divine risotto


would you take a look at that? another reason why vegetables are good for you


the soup turned out pretty alright, rich and creamy!


a bountiful roast, glazed and oozing with wholesome goodness. my mother would be proud!


an insidious combination and offering of rum and raisin in a wicked concoction of frozen cream


wot starts off as a bland dinner table..


sparkles with great delight when the joy has been set

well, i think that was so much fun! wot better way to round off the week -)

meet things laughing in the face of death
yesterday i made a concious effort to actually meet my life straight on. somewhat. it involved actually going to have a chat with my tutors to see where im headed with my education and all. but i'm glad i went there with the grace of God, and found that my tutors were very different from the task-masters my subconcious has been presenting them.

today, im going to advocate sticking to the drinking limit for drivers, because it was my FIRST random spotcheck by the police after i've been back from a party. and well, i passed with flying colours, but nothing beats being a responsible citizen. well, its more like no sense wrecking you life over one night at a party.

and then there's this super healthy breakfast i'm having now. eat right, to start the day properly! bircher musli, yogurt, bananas, milk and honey. whip it all together, and you've got a high energy and fibre diet to get you thru any day!

and then there's this dinner i'm having at my house this saturday, where people are all coming over with some dish. i get to make soup, yippie, ive never made soup before. the funny thing is that when you're checking if people are coming, and because i stay with peivn, everytime i say 'our house', it just almost sounds like couple-dom. it's not!! i'm getting the wrong end of the stick if i'm supposed to be single, i shouldnt have to be made to feel like im attached to someone. hahaha, but that's just my crazy unsettled side talking. i guess its a bonus to say something as inviting as that, without needing to be attached to someone. i know, i'm making a mountain outta nothing..

was that tea with biscuits you ordered?
there was this short absence because i was just too tired to type anything down, and it wasn't because of all the emotions i've been feeling. well, God is good, He gives us new courage, new rest and peace whenever we choose to surrender the things we can't change, or perhaps won't chnage about ourselves. and well, come as you are, He will use you anyways. thomas was just a constant source of support thru this, thank you bro for being there and showing me the Lord's perspective and keeping me in your prayers as well. then there was also ah tan who just made so much sense and threw light on the subject. "emotions aren't love, and love isn't just emotions" wow, you're not the main lyricist for pensionstate for nothing man. hahaha

so well, the days have slowly started to pick up again. im looking at a pretty busy two weeks ahead, so lets hope something gets worth mentioning in here. thanks for sticking by still!

oh yeah, might as well add that next wednesday may 11, may fled is going to play a uni gig at 5pm at the murdoch tavern. it's just a short half hour set for the uni band competitions, so we'll see how far we go with that.

and then there's sunday may 15 at the newport hotel in fremantle. we're the first band to play at the SLAM Wars fest, new bands always go first. hahahaha, but we don't mind, gotta start somewhere, and the Newport's a nice place for gigs. well, come experience our brand of earnest rock, that all we wanna share are just our songs to you. earnest rock should be a genre of its own. not that i or we care. *grin*

she broke you so softly - mojave 3

because she broke you so softly
you can't see the pain
like a dog
with a bone you refuse to let go

still you talk soft
so desperate and kind
so pure and so pointless
so helpless and blind

and is there no anger
just pills for the pain?
my friend you've been wasted
and you will be again

funny how sad songs jump out at you *weak smile*

Jesus, Lover of my soul

Jesus, lover of my soul
Jesus, i will never let you go
you've taken me, from the mirey clay
you set my feet upon the rock
and now i know

i love you
i need you
though my world may fall i'll never let you go
my saviour, my closest friend
i will love you until the very end

in my bout of reminicence, and the passing of mourning, perhaps i have forgotten wot it means to truely love God. i'll be weak here, because i desperately need some form of touch, to feel real arms around me. am i mourning? i'm mourning. we always mourn when a small part of ourselves die perhaps. but yeah, God is slowly gathering up the pieces, and showing me "hey, i'm still here, i've always been here" the same desperation i have for a human touch, ought to be translated for an even higher desperation of God's touch. where no human could love me, God is always there, because even the weakness of God is stronger than man's strength. how much more does he amplify his loving goodness and comfort and our complete and utter weakness? it's alright to feel the way i am, i know it. and i'm not afraid to show it, because God will show us a new way, and He is the strength of my heart.

"Blessed are those who mourn, for they shall be comforted" - Matthew 5:8

i'm packing up right now to go back to perth. this leg of sydney is over, and it is time to look ahead to my portion of land, our promises together. i couldn't have spent a better time here, then doing wot i had to do, saying wot i had to say, and enjoying wot i had to enjoy. thank you everyone who has been with me thus far, this life will know no ingratitude. -)

old fashioned love
my second last day in Sydney, and i kinda hung out with sue. i'd say being with her really brings back a lotta old memories, and many new ones as well. i mean, i used to like her lots, and while its cool we're all friends, it sucks a tinge when you know there's all there is to it. now, i say i'm over her, and i think i am, but perhaps there's also always a small part of me that thinks of otherwise. as also as with other girls i've fancied before. please tell me it's normal, or is there something more i'm supposed to be letting go of? you know your place in the world, and it isn't here. it's all there is to it, and the strange beat marches on -)



well sue, if you ever read this, i know that's all there is to it, because i'm just glad to know you're happy wherever you are. and 'sides, it's just an old thought resurfacing -)

so we just hung out on the ferries in circular quay abit, and i think its a great way to see the sights of sydney. it was good to just have the sun slowly go down around you, and soak in the ocean as well as ferry smog. we headed down to bondi for a fried mars bar, and met han and his relatives, sharon and pim pim for dinner at this famous place for bbq ribs called "hurricane". the food is seriously good, but they overstuffed me with way too many ribs than i could handle. while i appreciate the hospitality, it's a strange way of showing us you care *grin*









well so, there goes the day, there goes another little adventure in the strange mis-adventures of indie-boy! bearing his heart and soul on the railway tracks of life, praching to you at sunday worship.

silence less than three cups

Hi brian! I'm really happy that u're here in sydney!!! I know we didn't chat much last year....but am REALLY REALLY happy that u're here now and we're actually talking! And yeah...u're rather full of crap. hehehe

-alex-