muresk
a place where the Lord and i managed to meet up and spend some time together. the thing about church camps, is that they take you away from the world, into some surreal place where you're with other Christians and shut out from the outside. they call it a retreat sometimes, and usually, i think we treat it too much like a dream, that the real world hurts too much, and we step of the cloud we found ourselves in when we felt the presence of God.

but during this timeout, i think my mistake was that i treated this as the real world. but now, i think the real world is a dream, and that being with God, that's the true reality. i didn't have any wham bamn fireworks, i didnt sputtering in tongues and manifesting the Holy Spirit, not many people did that too.. but still, i just felt that the presence of God was so heavy during the camp. they called the camp breakthrough, but there was no exciting night where there was healing of the lame, or many people responding to missions, but a breakthrough did happen, and it goes something like this. we were all at different levels of our walk with the Living Christ, some of us had strayed, some were near Him, some didnt know wot to do with the convictions, but the real breakthrough i felt, was the refocusing of our spirit eyes on the cross.

it's true, we will fail after camp. as we struggle to consecrate our lives, or share the gospel, we WILL fail. but God offers his solution, to put our hope and trust in Him. that He is our strength that we cannot save ourselves, or make ourselves holy. oh, ive thought about this before, but i never really lived it out. but God wants to strip it all away till it's just you and Him alone. no promise of the future or wotever, just you and God. how cool is that? He wants to meet you in that sort of intimacy.

i guess i don't love people much these days. in some sense. it's not that i sulk alot or anything, it's just that i doubt alot, and am cynical and skeptical about how deep people's relationships are with one another. in fact, if you know abit of my history, you'll know the phase of apathy i went through to protect myself. it takes no muscles to smile, that was my tagline, an the perfect defence to not get hurt. even while earlier this year, i started yielding to God that hey, i do need people around me, that spirit of apathy had also been growing somewhat. i guess when it came to the crunch, it was hard to really feel for the communities. though i wished everyone had the relationship with God, i think ive still been too apathetic, and i think God's slowing dealing with that. maybe i feel that way because i wasn't sobbing, but really.. i think deep down, there is so much more room i could leave for others.

another thing about breakthrough, is that this is the first steps into breakthrough. breakthrough isn't just a moment, it's also a process whereby God deals with many parts of yourself. perhaps soon, people will start hating me, or telling me what ive been doing wrong in my life. scary i spose, yeah.. it's scary. the thing is, i don't change for people, i change for God, it's not that i won't listen to you, but im always careful about where things are coming from.

but muresk was awesome indeed, i just feel God so near now, and he has given me some inspirations, we caught up with each other during worship, and i just let go to Him, because he is the creator of the universe and beyond, he's my precious Saviour that chose me out. do you remember, or realise wot a privillege it is to be saved? oh, but we are a stubborn and stiff-necked people sometimes. and we're so petty sometimes, even to our Christian brothers and sisters. when i hear of division, it breaks my heart.. because the church shouldn't be fighting within itself. we are of One body, many parts.

it's always cool to have God near. he reveals things we wouldn't expect. during one particularly heavy part, i started singing "in the presence of a Holy God", and then suddenly the worship leader led us into that song. i know my chord progressions, there were a tonne of other songs that could have been chosen. and during one particular instance, whilst i was kneeling, i just felt this cold, drenching sensation like it was raining in the building.. and the worship leader again chose a song with the lyrics " rain down on me, rain down on me". it engulfed me, and i just knew he was in the room. throughout camp, i have been praying things like Holy Spirit fill us, in our veins, let us breathe You in, open our eyes ears and skin, permeate our pores, surge like a wave, release from our pores.. because the impression is that we as Christians should have that. we should have the Spirit within us, and coming out of us to touch the rest of the world. even now, i still feel its heat radiating out from my physical body.

how real is God to you today? is this your reality, or is it only a dream? and how much are you willing to depend on God. we're not very holy people, neither are we always in the best shape, but God says to depend on Him. that's all we need sometimes. it's still breakthrough, like a process, and i'm just trying to walk toward or into the light. we were meant to shine, especially in the hour of darkness right now. i wish there was more to write, but i'm in a total disarray right now. my only wish is that, you who reads this be inspired by something God inspired, to His glory forevermore.

big day out
running on a caffine high. the cuppas at incontro are divine, and the flavour so full and robust it's all keeping me up. i feel a bit nervy and edgy, which is probably all the good quality coffee that's getting to me. just sitting here waiting for something to happen, just waiting to pack my things for church camp. waiting for things to happen. wide awake as a whistle. the title stems from seeing jeannie's photo album named dayout. i just thought it fit the mood for the past and the future. uni vacation has been great so far, in the space that i am not going back to spore this holiday, im really filling up my time well doing creative things and having some sort of an outlet. God has blessed me with good friends to hang out with, and things to do. i look forward to all of you in spore at the end of the year, where i begin another chapter in the life of brian. but that's one whole semester away, and im already thinking some radical changes to life, like getting off broadband. see y'all on the other side.

p/s i wanna catch steve vai when he comes to perth. i wanna catch billy sheehan take it out on his bass, its gorgeous, feel inspired when i see him play, the way he feels his way around the instrument. i think i know why im unlucky in love, i've fallen in love with music.

soldiering on, walkin' on sunshine
waking up early, i followed jon to vic park to accompany him as he handed out flyers at the local music store to offer his services as a working musician. the folk there were great, we talked and were really warm and friendly.. and were open to quite a few forms of music. and yeah, they just traded tips, connections and the stuff that makes the world go round. it burst my bubble a little when jon mentioned they only became nice to him after the heard him play, but still, it was a good thing.

later, it was time to meet the band again. they call themselves alysium, i don't think too much about it, but i'd rather have a band called dreamlights. anyhow, we had a really good jam today.. i think im breaking into the band somewot, i played quite a few melody lines that i liked, and no one really complained even though i thought at certain points i was getting a tad showey. but it'll change if they ever want me to play less y'know? but yeah, im quite pleased with some of the melody ideas i had actually come up with. especially when we wrote a new song, completely new song! paul was just playing this riff, and i pedaled on the G-string and just created a progression, and it all works. i wonder if they wanna take this into a godspeed you! black emperor laced song, because the riff that he plays is just so complementing of the simple line i came up with. i'd love to see this go places. and when we jammed a coupla other songs, i just happened to come up with some licks that i so wanna use in the songs, and created a totally different vibe to wot a bass normally does. i dont wanna just play straight ahead as effective as it is, i wanna create something more, and i hope they get it so that they can agree with how im responding to their music. and then, i was really proud of this other line that i came up with, where its sort of a walking line, but the closing phrase just sounds like it came out of a godspeed you! black emperor song. it's not that im copping their riffs.. i just felt inclined to play something along those lines without thinking, and yeahh.. mebbe wot im listening to is emerging. great! yeahhh.. now i do wanna see this band go places, not because of their huge talent (like mds), but i just know that once we get gigs or we record, we're just gonna sky-rocket up the learning curve, and we're gonna create a lot of intense work. and i never really dreamed i play in an indie band like the ones i hear of in all those elitist muso magazines.

listening to fugazi now, and anti-melodies are lovely lovely approaches. we will leave you gasping.

kick low where it hurts
just something i said to anne just now. we're such bastards aren't we? yet every man has a weak spot. some see it as a tool of power, i'm reminding you today how frail a man can be.

more than this. yesterday i attended the church's prayer meeting for church camp preperation, and i think safe to say that yes, the presence of God was there. it's been a while since i felt the cold shiver that comes when His Spirit descends into our midst, and i just didnt feel like i could stand. i knelt, more than anything because that was all i thought i could do in the presence of such an awesome power. it's been a long time, really.. the heydays of my youth, perhaps revisited last night somewhat. i don't know wot God's gonna impress in my heart for church camp, but i wanna go in somewhat prepared to listen to him. and for courage to follow his command. pray for us in camp if you remember to, that God will grace us with His presence, and give us a goal to work towards, as much as it is all a step of faith, one step at a time. -)

only gonna be back on tuesday, just so you were wondering where the updates have gone.

the trail of wisdom
i'm not a wise person. so i went for a jog this morning, and as always its good. somethings that i thought to myself while en route was that when you run, you have a destination, a goal or a finish line. and you run and push yourself, beat yourself up just so you can be one step closer to that goal. sometimes we run for release, or we talk on the trail, the goal isn't on our minds. but today while i was alone, no music, the air dry and my fitness failing. the goal was kind of wot kept me going, wot made me pray, something to spur the old horse. and there were obstacles of rain halfway there. obstacles are a part of life, im kind of learning that. a challenge is something that's natural somewhat, we're not exempt from it. after a summer of good jogging weather comes a winter of stunningly dry and cold air, coupled with passing to heavy showers. the obstacle made me run faster, made we want to reach the goal before it caught up with me. i didnt make it in time, but i finally got where i wanted. and it was a passing shower this time round, i could walk out into the open soon enough.. one day i might be caught in a storm, and have to sit the race out. sometimes i think obstacles help us slowdown in life to wait at certain checkpoints and restpoints. just sometimes. we get tired once in awhile, and it's tough running on empty.

today, while surfing friendster i noticed a girl i used to notice back in my first year of junior college. it wasn't even anything to begin with, but it was warm to see a somewhat familiar face again. and i my heart still wells up everytime i see something flying off into the distance, especially if they're instances of bravado. i can't help but feel a surge in myself when i see fighter planes flying off into unknown sunsets. a flood of still pictures enters my mind of families friends countrymen and flowers cities food life, all in a split second. and that's only a fraction of the surge i get when i see mobilisation of people. casting aside differences for a sort of unity. it happens in documentaries and movies, or in pictures, or even just thinking about it sometimes. as i look at a picture of a US marine on patrol in Iraq with his rifle slung at high alert, i wonder wot kind of soldier would i be if i were ever called back into reserve. it's strange, i know i dont like the 'neccesity' of war to fight evil, nor do i care much for its glorious bravado of honour and heroism. but im simply a soldier, and as long as i am sporean and in that sense have a piece of soil to step on as if i belonged there, then im also a soldier not by choice, even if it is by the country's law (pay to ceaser wot is ceaser's).. i am that soldier. and then there's no room for a glorious future or sentimental pasts. no more grand visions or hope for tomorrows. i think a soldier lives for that day, a man called out of duty, and lays aside his personal agenda to serve the occupation that binds him. professional in that sense, and im glorifing it somewhat. but im not really trying, just thinking to myself how tangible it could be. and how when i dont like national service, it's already a part of my life. i think there should be a day where there aren't armies, but can i predict a better future after that? no i can't, i just think it would be nice.

my sister and i have agreed that discension is the thing that keeps our world stable. so always have something to say, always question the norm and the trends, if not one day they are going to take over you. speak now in the fire while you may have a chance, and not regret later. for leonard once told me, life is too short for regrets. so true -)

stupid random thoughts
so i was just thinking, with all the foreign policies going around, the real people calling the shots are the translators aren't they? now before you think im a jackass.. imagine that all the foreign policy departments were in cahoots, and since country A don't know wot country B is talking about, on the tele, in the papers and agreements, wots stopping translators for doing things for their own good? nationalism? c'mon.. all government slaves lie at the interview. "oh yes, i learnt alot in the army and it has made me a better man." (blatent over-exaggeration)

- pauses for much thought -

oh kay, now you're entitled to call me a jackass. or a bASSist. hahahahahhahaaha! i laugh at my own dumb jokes. *snigger*

wickedly evil and live
i'm just waiting for a cd to finish burning and go doof doof. i'm not making sense because i'm going out soon but just biding my time. now that makes sense. here's one for the masses.

denting the wall
so think about someone, anyone who's smiling or having fun where things seem alright. and then there're those who are screaming against the highest wall, who can't see no end in sight. and either way, don't think about now, but wot happens to them in the future. are they saved? just how swakooly desperate are we to see the people around us saved. our loved ones saved. just how uncool and unhip are we gonna be for Christ? when are we going to stop fluffing up Christianity with rock music and magic tricks, promises of material wealth and big shiney buildings.. and bring it back to why God saved us in the first place? for His glory and his love for us. that none may perish. that paul could say that "to this end i labour.." when are we going to not allow our friends to stop slandering and mocking the name and image of the Most High God who saved our souls. when are we going to seriously survey our salvation, and understand wot it means to be saved in this lifetime. when are we gonna look past the differences within our church, and say to each other, "i'm a toe, but mr nose i need you" because Christ is the body, and we are the parts. when will we start looking at the big picture and stop saying "you don't understand.." when will we learn to have faith, that with faith the size of a mustard seed can move a mountain. that faith is a gift. that we don't need to out-holy one another. just. that. when.

sitting standing banging on things
oh look at me, look at me. i don't really know wot to say. i've been pretty descriptive in my posts havent i? like no inane top of the brain ramblings lately? i'm spoon-feeding all of you with little bits of useful information you can use.. and a diet of spoon-feeding can lead to dullness. ishouldwritewithoutthespacebarjustforkicksbutiknowhowirritatingitcanbe. anyhow, yesterday my sister and i had a glorious hike on near the entrance of the bibulmen trek in kallamunda. im no trekker, but im really glad to go with my sister and have a real blast. stripped to basics and nature all around. we share many similar philosophies about stripping things down when it comes to both music and trekking. we're both such geeks sometimes, and yeah as siblings we don't ever really fit in anywhere. and that's a good thing. please don't look at me when im typing jie *pai seh*.

so 'ello ello to you one and all! i just wanna tell you that God loves you for who you are. let him love you and dwell inside your heart. i don't know, but i think that everyone needs God's embrace to see things clearly sometimes. -)

soul food : an ode to the magic of the k
i have had the distinct pleasure of experiencing one of WA's finest.. observing and abosorbing the K live in action, playing their final gig at the humble rosemount hotel as venue. i was really looking forward to this gig, and not so at the same time. i mean, who wants to see a fantastic band breakup. but then again, their music lives on despite their breakup, and it might be good because everybody needs to move on in some sense. when the time has come for the passing of one celebration, we will treasure the history shared, but the end is not in sight as the individual members seek to break new ground, push the envelope and chase their muse.

but a bit about tonight. they are a fantastic improvisational band and have tremendous technical proficiency on their respective instruments. to see the two aspects gel together was inspirational to say the least, but to observe as each musician led one another into the zone, to a singular point of communication and to hear them respond in the virturoisity of their skill.. one can't theorise these things. as i told a friend before, the K bring you to a place where space and time don't matter. you are here and now and there is a certain magic. all i can say is thank you, for giving me that distinct pleasure of experiencing that. some highlights were defintely seeing the pure talent of 21-year old dane alderson groove away on his yamaha TRB6 as well as watching and listen to the band change grooves and time signatures so seamlessly. much of this magic coming from their young drummer andrew fisenden. and there was a moment, when he got into this drum solo, and it was a simple rudimentary exercise for him, but the passion that overflowed from his playing.. andrew to me, may not be the tightest drummer yet, but on his kit is a overflowing passion that burns thru the entire band.. it melts the well-trodden roads and brings a primal groove, an excessive rush hedfirst into the fire kind of intensity. the band would be fools not to follow such a supercharged steamroller into enemy territory of musician's humility and lack of self-confidence. no, this band has tremendous confidence, and like a experienced squad of soldiers, they pull out all their stops with brutal effieciency.

the K are a band that has managed to catch its muse, that is why they are able to bring themselves and their audience into the moment. and the beauty of it, is that no recording device can simulate this experience. the muse is fleeting and cannot be caught by recording. at least, not when a band is performing live. sometimes, you catch the muse while recording, when you set out to make a record. but if you're out to play the circuit, the muse visits you, and you can't record it. only perhaps paint a faint reflection of wot happened on that night on your mini-disc recorder. it serves as a reminder, but it won't translate the magic into your senses. the memory lives in you.. so i encourage all of you, go out of your lives and live it. don't spend forever recording something that is so fleeting.

so i thank you, the K for your gift of music to your audience. truely inspirational.. may you all find wot you're looking for.

a 'lil bit more about them..

we're walking in the light of love
you know when you have your sister around, it's so much fun to have someone from home. =) i'm playing the tourguide i never thought i'd be (i suck at it), but thru it all.. i learn the roads so much better when we're figuring things out on our own. and then she tells me alot about her trekking equipment, and we both suffer from gear acquisition syndrome. i guess it strikes anyone with a passion for things. so she got herself a macpac kauri which apparently in the circle of trekkers, is a reputable thing. it's similar the way she is with me.. we're suckers for trends but we never quite cut it. but it is a spiffy bag!

so then again, we just walked wot we could of perth city, shared a roast lunch.. and it just felt comforting to be able to spend time with your elder sibling. think God's blessed us with sucha wonderful relationship, i mean sometimes i'm paranoid that she's not enjoying herself and all.. and how i could've been a better host, and yet she's always there encouraging me in so many other aspects of my life. i think i could do her a favour and not be so paranoid, and accept her sisterly love graciously, because she means it, and i shouldn't just smile on the surface and fake a happy acknowledgement. i acknowledge it deep within my heart, because it's the least i could do for someone who took it from deep within herself.

we also happened to stop into an art gallery. she was an adelaide based artist, and she had pieces that spoke to me in a way. now i don't know anything about fine art, or modern art, but i think she communicated something there was in her heart, something that she envisioned but could not quite grasp. i wish i could remember her name, when i do i'll be shure to post it up! maybe her visuals will speak something to you. and yeah, it does inspire me to express myself in more ways than one. -)

gonna catch the K tonight!

many things on the mind of wholesome love
whoa whoa whoa, just watched the super sappy flick raising helen but it was such good fun. -) i'd recommend it for anyone who just wants to watch a feel good movie. kate hudson's pretty adorable in the flick, and she gets to date a dishy pastor character who looks like john travolta pot belly en-all. his best line in the flick? "i am a sexy man of God, and i know it" oh well, i didnt think it was blesphemas? i don't think so, i think pastors don't have to take themselves so seriously all the time. and im glad he didn't sleep with kate hudson anytime during their on-screen dates. it was good wholesome dating fun. which is kinda lost in today's society. its so feel good we might well be in the fifties. hur.

turn your back against time
inspire me, this generation. your forgotten faces since i turned my back to you. our paths not crossing again, like the deviance in the roads and the many accorns splattered the road. one too many seeds to grow and grow into hard oaks we will.

wheeee, it's been another well spent day somewhat. firstly, i got my hair cut. yes! i got my hair cut! my first haircut in almost seven months. well, im quite pleased with it, though i wish the hair stylist kept more of my back. i don't really know how to describe it, but i guess it's short compared to the usual mop that i sport.

then i went to garden city to get my auto insurance done. i'm insured only if i damage someone else's car. but that's enough, my car isn't worth much anyhow. sooo the company's insuring me up to 25 million dollars. so yeah, if anyone values their life at a quarter of a billion, and wants to make a donation to the help brian foundation, make me your sole benifector and i'll run you down. and back into you if i happen to miss the first time. that's the equivalent of winning big brother twenty five times in a row. oh, but get this, i have to pay an excess of AUD800 if i damage your car! so hey.. to make things good for both of us, ermmm.. wot say i give you more money if you let me hit your cair a few more times so that the damage amounts to AUD800 or more. well, it'll be fun, and 'sides.. im not really known for my road rage.

whoo hoo! and then i managed to get this steal of a pair of brown quicksilver courdury's for AUD50! that my friends, is a real bargin. i love'em! and im quite suprised i manage to fit into a size 30 quite comfortably. of course, i'd like to lose a bit more weight. like those men you see in women's magazines. yeah, those objects of feminine fantasy. (point to note, cutting your hair as the magazine's model does not make you look like that model. don't worry, im not that dumb, just some useless advice for useless people. though i don't think useless people find this blog.)

so yeah, quite a materialistically pleasing day. i'd like to go back to a shoe shop and get a pair of vans lazy shoes (as i call'em). gee whizz man, winter's really the time to dress up!

the nights are long
brian cannot navigate around perth, end of story. it's about as bad as putting a goldfish into an ocean. find my way home..? hooya! everyday's an adventure when you're my shotgun buddy. well, at least i managed to give my sister the scenic tour without her asking for it. i guess i'd be thankful for a brother such as myself. so we drove quite a bit today, mainly because i got lost. we'd probably have done less than half of wot i drove if i knew my way around the city. baka-ration. but yeahh.. i think my character level's increased by as much as 2,776,876 points, so the next time i hit the city, i shouldn't be killing any wild oxen anymore. not that i have, but that's another tale. for another time to get lost.

bright nights city lights
my sister's in towne! yay!! it's good, i mean a link back to home. she tells me that the folk are well, and it's put some peace in my heart. also, i finally finished my japanese exam, so i'm free free free! but *sigh* my car's in the workshop, i hope it gets dealt with soon so i get my wheels back again.

steering our voices toward an infinte tower
i can't stop binging on starburst gummies as japanese draws near! and there's a 'lil backthought that i don't wanna be a resounding gong. but i feel like one lately.

days past young and old
age old traditions giving way to newer more contemporary and liberal methods. i'm not really too shure which is better, but i think when we change tradition just to suit ourselves and lifestyles, then we're losing the real deal. and if we're breaking the mold of something that is stifling us or not pleasing to God, then it makes sense to break that sort of of a hold. i guess, it's not so much what's then and now, but what, or who at the end of the day are you living your life for. i suppose a risky critique would be that, we're always out to please ourselves, and look out for wot serves out best interests. if out hearts and minds were on God, then if he told us to stop doing something, it wouldn't be that big a deal would it? i won't say its blind faith, but when the things of this age concern us less and less, and the material things tend to dissipate, the things of the spiritual realm become clearer. for our battle is not with the flesh but things in the spiritual realms.

she lets me slip away
the whispers in our hearts that we don't often hear. we're so deaf to them sometimes, because we want to do wot our brain tells us. we hurt ourselves, so we don't have to hurt others. we're giving even where there's nothing left for us. more and more, we want less and less, till we're the singular now in the plural. i don't think i can talk coherently now because i just feel kind of majestically lost in the swirl that has gripped me today. fear not, because it is a very normal day on the outside, its just that we all need some time, when in a second, suddenly the great mysteries of a singular life continue to baffle us to no known end. why do we do wot we do? i offer you no explanation, just the encouragement to go out and discover it for yourself. take it with you beyond the grave. believe in life after death, it may do you some good. take a moment, to breathe, and if you're blind, touch something warm and then cold. see it with your fingers, you may be seeing things clearer than the rest of us with the gift of visual esthetics. so many times, we're dishonest to ourselves, perhaps due to the fact we're not very proud of our actions. we cheat death in so many different ways, we steal our lives from so many others. i don't think we can even live it on our own because we are the continuation of something else. then again, we are remarkably unique in our present time that this is us. no one else. we're not here to judge, judge not 'lest he be judged. and then some, all the observations in this lifetime isn't going to save me. hands up if you believe we're actually swirling into the downward spiral. is the world going to be better? i don't know.. even if by a universal standard that the world's state did improve. were we all meant to be here..? i still can't find that place in this world, preach it to me sista. i could preach somewhere else. you have to let the incoherency out once in awhile.

gemfinders

asobi seksu, a new band out of new york that is bringing back those etheral days of shoegaze. lovely lovely lovely. i would like to say they're doing everything right in the sense that it feels like being lost in the painting of sound once again. where the colours are lush and brash, full of intensity and fidgetyness. the band's got some mp3s on their site, so get'em while they're hot and fresh! a fine recomendation by jinghui indeed. i'll leave you to discover them on your own!

day 269
well then, it's official. i have a provisional driver's licence from the state of western australia. now this might be mildly exciting for some.. for me, it's as exciting as watching bacteria cultivate. oh kay, that is remotely more exciting than wot i had to go thru just to get my butt off for this licence. but yeah, ultimately, there is a minute sense of accomplishment that hey! i actually did something on my own! i registered for a licence, scoured rabidly for a car, and finally.. with help from some friends, and of course my dear dad who sponsored/loaned me the capitol, i have aquired a passport to independence. somewhat.

having a driver's licence means this for me:
(1) real photo id. not my passport anymore! those swakoo days of going into anal pubs are over.

(2) a mark of independence because i can finally go where i wanna go. and yeahh.. im the sort that feels wary of asking people for favours. because all you need is to meet one calculative person, and it just wrecks your mood. they'll take everything they've done for you and promptly ask for a repayment when the timing befits them. i mean, i'd like to think that im not like that, if i do help around, i genuinely wanna help. but on the flipside, it's made me kinda super sensitive and i think i jump to conclusions when people mention something that needs to be done as a reminder twists itself as a comment out to get me.

(3) i can finally cut my hair. i have proof of the length of my mane, and perhaps its finally time to restyle it. perhaps. but then, i hope its not some swakoo picture as well. shite shite shite. im sucha vainpot hiao ka chng.

geeeeeee.. that's it i spose. this is a boring life somewhat no? hahaha, well its the hols.. i'm gonna try to get off my butt and do something worthwhile.

taking a step back
i am in awe, of man made things, and God made things. i guess after almost twenty two years of existence, i have hardly, hardly even contributed much in the creativity that matters to me. as i step back at the genius of what my band members have arranged for our EP, it is only a small consolation that i played a few bass parts on some of the tracks. i don't think i could even have envisioned the depth of wot those songs are now. i peer into the designing minds of graphic designers of INfront, and i just gape with an open jaw at the creativity of some individuals, and the immense beauty that comes when these individuals come together as an entity. and yeah.. it's easy to get lost when there's so much around us, so much where we feel we'll never match up. and then some. i look at myself, and wonder why my nose isn't on my naval. or my penis isn't where my nose is. we see some sort of beauty in our normality as well. so in some sense, all these groundbreaking works, are in some sense, conservatively normal. we have something within us, whether an instinct, or collective memory that tells us wot beauty is. we are a tainted generation, i do wonder if the beauty of eden could have been described, or the immenseness of it all. eden, i'd like to go there sometime.

sharing with you chess pieces from murdoch
finally! finally i got some work done. this feeling is immense, it breeds questions like why didnt i just do this sooner? but these are the mysteries of life, things i cannot answer and offer no explanation. man, there's a lot going on in the world today. i feel so ill equipped in my defence of my faith, that i am determined to offer an explanation for certain issues. and i will find my voice again, because i feel that in my absence as one who created discension, many schools of thought have begun to emerge, and slowly i feel as if i am being drowned out. not just me, but for the community of faith that we are. we can't stay silent all the time. we have to offer a voice of reason when the time comes. yeapp.. discension is arguably wot keeps things in check, so that not one person is always right.

dark happenings
thomas just passed me the latest remixes of our ep and i'v3 been listening to them non-stop. they are seriously good, and if you don't mind the shameless self plug you will treat yourselves to some seriously good music. i'm declined to reveal more, apparently we are in tight secrecy about this project. expect an end of the year release!

it sort of flashes by and phases back in
is it the start of the study week already? man, everything seems to be flying by so fast. it's good and bad. bad that i have a japanese oral exam tomorrow. good that, hey.. time goes by, that's less time to stay alive and mope. and to think we had a sermon against worrying yesterday. *grin* this is my life sometimes. one minute in, one minute out. its like i can never sit still, yet sitting still idling away is one of the things i do best. its like, i have to do an absurd amount of nothing just to get something done. like when im done doing all i should not be doing, then i get started on my work. this blog entry being a fine example of course. remember kids: brian can be a bad role model.

cool chick guitarist from the von bondies, marcie bolen.

snapshots from friday night - cell feast!

i'm just showing off my chicken chili pasta, and that's charles's veal -something- in the foreground. all pictures were snapped by charles coincidentally.

about half the cell. note to narcissistic self : yes, i could use a haircut

peivn and angie showing off their grub. chicken filo and seafood linguine. i'll leave you to discern which is which. strange salad and cutlery weilding folk behind angie, don't mind them. this is wot makes cell group fun.

random shot of my cell group. jos couldn't stop laughing about how the pepper grinder looked like a table leg. jos is the third girl from the left in black, and is our cell leader. she is most kooky. country girl that she is!

sticky fig pudding @ the cross

chocolate basket @ the cross

where we are going, you cannot follow
so for wot seems to be a long time, ive finally gotten off my butt to try out for something pertaining to the craft i've followed known as bassplaying. i still can't say i'm a bass player, but i wanted to play. so i tried out for this ad that was in the uni. it said "mellow rock", wotever that meant, mellow meant un-fast, which suited my frozen fingers. it's gonna take a while for us to warm these old joints. well so, today i checked 'em out, and they checked me out. it's a very indie-alterna feel within the band. they didnt have many concrete ideas and that suited me fine. the playing as abit scrappy, but they just means that all of us can improve, and as my find our sound together. they were quite receptive toward me, which was suprising cuz i could barely hold a groove and i was making stuff up at the top of my head. but the point is, is that because everyone's at such a 'low-level', its gonna be exciting to see wot hard work and passion can finally achieve. they seem like the open type, and yeah.. i'd like to be a part of that i spose. it's not just about the music when you try out something new musically. like they say, music has thought us certain life lessons. i now know how to get to redcourt road, and i live in prescott drive. hey! it could happen to anyone. well anyhow, its not that far away. but still!

http://matt.unitedhosting.co.uk/why/
i'm shure some of you may have seen this internet icon before, but if you haven't you're in for a treat!

walking into the ocean that consumes us all, crustacians and homosapien alike.

one for the folks back home before we wreck destruction upon our crustacian friends. circia feb 2004

i will stare at the sun
until it's light dosen't blind me

that's a sarah lyric. it's lovely isn't it. this is wot i sat thru on monday.

but first..

on my way there, i almost got into an accident. was at the stop line, looked right, then left, all clear and i took the car forward. note to self: always check right again. and then left again. because a ute almost knocked into my side. good thing he braked, but im shure he must've been very unhappy. and.. i don't like making people unhappy on the roads. for the brief period, its as if i wished i never could drive in the first place. its like, i don't even deserve to be on the road, being a hazard like this. well, i thank God i'm still here, and am inspired to be a better and safer driver.

somewhere in the middle with you..

so while we waited for sarah to appear, we were treated to a sister duo act who sang us maybe six songs. they were lovely, gracious and had great voices. somewhere like a cross between early sarah and jewel. great harmonies, and interesting solo acoustic guitar.. made me wanna go back to my early years of songwriting. not that i'm as good

and there is a love that's inherently given "wait"..

finally, after waiting for the band to appear to music by sigur ros over the PA, the first vestiges of last dance came up. this was the cue, that the band was finally walking in.
... ... ...
she opened the set with fallen. the first single off the new album. haha, seems she always opens with the first single. like for the mirrorball tour, she opened with "building a mystery". a welcomed change, and they really made the song sound good. im not too hot for the album musically and lyrically, but after last night, i felt different about it. and oh so blind. lyric: we all begin with good intent when love is young and raw

world's on fire was next. now this was one song that i liked from the new album, and it sounds even better live! or it was just being in the moment. brian minato didn't play the bass line that hooked me to this song in the first place. but sarah hit the notes in this melodic number that just put a smile on my face. lyric: stay close to me while the sky is falling

she did adia as her third number, which seems out of place to have it so early in the set. i didn't really think much of it, and she kept it pretty close to the original. lyric : it's easy we all falter, but does it matter?

the introduction for the fourth song was a familiar one, but she sang different lines. i knew i heard it somewhere before, that skeleton tune that backed her vocals. but when she played the first note on her acoustic guitar, i just knew that we were embarking on hold on. great great powerful number, she did everything she does for this song live, blistering lap steel solo by sean ashby, and is wot makes this song a great country rockin' number. lyric : what is it in me that refuses to believe?

i wasn't that familiar with the next song, perfect girl.. but when she sang that one line, it was bliss. there's something about sarah hitting those falsettos, and its moments like these that make a sarah song special. gorgeous stuff going on. lyric : everything will come around in time

this was an upbeat number, not especially a favourite (melancholy's still her best weapon). but yeah drifting does remind me of travis lyric : larger than life is your fiction in a universe made up of one

she introduced the next number, as the one love song that she wrote for her husband. and she said it didn't have the melancholy of her past songs. that it was self-depreciating, but that's wot its like when you have someone who lives and accepts who you are, loves you all the same and would wait the world for you. i guess that's wot made push special. her honest gratitude to the things that were important and stood by her. lyric : even when i have to push just to see how far you'll go

you couldn't miss the next song when she sings the title. a favourite from the brother's mcmullen soundtrack, i will remember you immediately roused up the audience's acknowledgement of a song they found familiar. haha, again my music snobbery is seen here, because how many people know the gems that are in sarah's discography. haha, but still, i guess it was a moment of familiarity for the majority of us, and importantly, people have a good night at the concert. lyric : don't let your love pass you by, weep not for the memories

she sang another song off her new album, and i really like the bassline off this track. it was even better seeing it live played by brian minato! for this song, he whipped out a red les paul bass that just kicked so much ass. it was really deep, i suspect it was tuned BEAD, but the hook in the bassline defintely catches my attention. and then they went into an extended jam at the end of it, and minato really shoved it into over drive by playing a really melodic line that just made me cheer in agreement. lyric : a wild fire born of frustration

by this time, sarah picks up her vox guitar (this is a cue on its own) and strums the starting chords to wait, my second favourite sarah song. when all we wanted was the dream, to have and to hold that precious little thing, like every generation yields, a new born hope unjaded by their years.. and i grow estatic, because she sings the tune of my heart. and this is just her solo, not many out there could recognise this number, and it made it even more special -) well, the band came in slow but their presence felt, and built its way all the way to the ending solo by sean ashby who pulled out all his stops of heavily sustained notes, infinte delays and an incredible wall of sound. its an intense moment, and like fire it's the intensity burning in our hearts. lyric : you know if i leave you now, it dosen't mean that i love you any less. it's just the state i'm in, i can't be good to anyone else like this.

fear was next, and was opened by minato's bass. its not really a solo, but it sets the mood for the song. after the opening lines, the keys and drums come in. the keyboard line is a freaky auto-wah sounding line, and it really is jarring, like its scraping the walls of your heart. sarah begins by singing low over her piano, but as the band slowly fades out, she walks back to the microphone, and bursts into the best vocal moment of the concert when she sings in a signature falsetto and holds that pitch for the entire duration of the song! this is shurely a highlight for me, her majesty displayed, and why she is who she is! defintely a favourite of mine, and the crowds. awesome awesome awesome!! i still hear that angelic voice in my hed.. lyric : but i fear, i have nothing left to lose here in this lonely place, there's nothing i'd like better than to fall

and if that wasn't enough, she opened elsewhere next. this is another massively guitar driven song, and well.. i really like the current guitar line-up that she has, because they just shine on songs like this. and the syncopation dished out by the band, just to emphasie a great hook, pushes you back into your seat as you squeal in acknowledgement. lyric : i know this love is passing time, passing thru like liquid, i'm drunken by desire.

everyone knows the next song! the opening chords to building a mystery are probably her most famous, especially when by the second note, the entire audience erupts in approval. well, its a great song, simple.. and when at first i didnt think anything special of it (sweet surrender was the song that generated my initial interest), i really grew to love it at the end of my seventeenth year. because at that time, i was sucha melancholic nut, and yeahhh.. haha, the song was like a wake up call to me, and it beautifully spoke to me word for word, wot my black heart was like, bashing up all the love that was around me that i just couldnt see. the other guitarist, luke duscent shared a beautiful solo here. made me wanna get a gretch guitar. tremendous that felt like it was gonna spin out of control. lyric : you strut your astor wear and a suicide poem, and a cross from a faith that died before Jesus came.

black and white was a real suprise to me! i had never heard this song live, but i loved it on surfacing. it had an awesome bassline on the record, but minato opted to use a synth bass for it. it didnt really cut it for me, but the song as whole was incredible. it has a bit of a dancey chill out vibe to it, and i guess ultimately is a keyboard song. but its really sarah's vocal counter melody that makes this a uniquely beautiful choice. lyric : everybody loves you when you're easy, so don't disappoint me

the synthesizers for sweet surrender generated the loudest response from the audience (with exception to the second encore). but yeah, this is simply the coolest simple song i feel. well, its just so propelling, and utilises heavily reverbed guitars to get that fantastic shimmer in between passeges. david kershaw, who plays the hammond b3 had a field day, and was going crazy everywhere. he really enjoyed this song, and it was a joy watching his enthusiasm toward it. this is a real favourite to me because of the lyrics -) i think luke duscent proceeded to flirt a lil with the backup vox toward the end of the song too. haha, and i thought he wanted to generate feedback from his guitar! sly fox... lyric : the life i left behind me is a cold room

as the guitars fade out, a drum machine fades in followed by the blows of ashwin sood's drum kit. i already know wot this song is. it's joined next by the whirling of kershaw's B3 and Vince Jone's string synth keyboard lines. the song is possession, where its a clue that the concert was nearing it's end. this is a MASSIVE song. its effectively B3 driven, and i love it for that. minato's bass is beautifully melodic as it drives the song in a counter melody. the interplay between bass and B3 are beautifully crafted. there's a highlight in the song when the entire band syncopates a stop, before relaunching slowly back into the song. and it closes in an immense rockstarish chaos. sean ashby by now has gone ballistic on his guitar and is just tearing thru his strings, bending them to effect maximum emotion. but for me, the smile is during minato's walking bass passage. lyric : and i would be the one, to hold you down, kiss you so hard i'll take your breath away

first encore
you had to cheer them back, i knew they were coming out, but we cheered anyway. -) and yeahh, the audience felt like it was tiring out, and so.. i guess that's why sarah came out with a smaller band. it was ice cream, and you dont need that many people to play this song. and interesting touch was having luke duscent play the xylaphone too. and as always, she'd ask the audience to the simple tune, which.. once again very few of us knew *beams*. but she'll still say it was "excellent singing". the courteous human being that she is. *heh* lyric : it's a long way down to the place where we started from

they played stupid next, which is probably the heaviest song off the new album. it was very rocked out, which i attribute to sean ashby. haha, it was gorgeous, and for a moment there, it was like a serious moment for a split second, like there was a speck of anger usually unfamiliar with sarah songs. edgy, always a good point in my books. hahaha. lyric : everything changes everything falls apart

the drum machine repeated its mechanical beat. i knew this was it before luke duscent closed us with the signature guitar riff of fumbling towards ecstacy, the song i will have at my wedding. this is my favourite song so far, and never fails to lift me up to places i'd never been. they'll always close as a band with this, i guess because its so grand, and it must be a ball to play it. it's a song of hope, of not fearing the one thing that so many of us have lost our hearts to. that love is not a game, but something pure, frail.. and makes you want to find it. it really is a beautiful song, and all the guitar solos in the world, just cant tear the simple beauty away from this tune. lyric : all the fear has left me now, i'm not frightened anymore, its my heart that pounds beneath my flesh, it's my heart the pushes out this breath. and if i shed a tear i wont cage it, i won't fear love. and if i feel a rage i won't deny it, i won't fear love. companion to our demons, they will dance, and we will play with chairs, candles and cloth, making darkness into day, it'll be easy to move upstream or down without a thought. and if i shed a tear i won't cage it, i won't dear love. and if i feel a rage i won't deny it, i won't fear love. peace in the struggle to find peace, comfort, on the way to comfort.. and if i shed a tear i won't cage it, i won't fear love. and if i feel a rage i won't deny it, i won't fear love. i won't fear love.

and then she closed the night with a solo angel. tonight, the song i never really held in high regard, i listened closely to what it said, and it was special indeed. lyric : you keep on building the lie that you make up for all that you lack. it don't make no difference escaping one last time', it's easier to belive this madness, this glorious sadness that brings me to my knees..

and so the night was closed, and i'll remember for as long as i can. and i'm glad that my friends siyuan, jermyn and jo could enjoy an unforgettable night with sarah mclachlan as well.

the setlist

fallen
world's on fire
adia
hold on
perfect girl
drifting
push
i will remember you
train wreck
wait
fear
elsewhere
building a mystery
black and white
sweet surrender
possession
encore
ice cream
stupid
fumbling towards ecstacy
angel