Wednesday, June 30, 2004

a place where the Lord and i managed to meet up and spend some time together. the thing about church camps, is that they take you away from the world, into some surreal place where you're with other Christians and shut out from the outside. they call it a retreat sometimes, and usually, i think we treat it too much like a dream, that the real world hurts too much, and we step of the cloud we found ourselves in when we felt the presence of God.

but during this timeout, i think my mistake was that i treated this as the real world. but now, i think the real world is a dream, and that being with God, that's the true reality. i didn't have any wham bamn fireworks, i didnt sputtering in tongues and manifesting the Holy Spirit, not many people did that too.. but still, i just felt that the presence of God was so heavy during the camp. they called the camp breakthrough, but there was no exciting night where there was healing of the lame, or many people responding to missions, but a breakthrough did happen, and it goes something like this. we were all at different levels of our walk with the Living Christ, some of us had strayed, some were near Him, some didnt know wot to do with the convictions, but the real breakthrough i felt, was the refocusing of our spirit eyes on the cross.

it's true, we will fail after camp. as we struggle to consecrate our lives, or share the gospel, we WILL fail. but God offers his solution, to put our hope and trust in Him. that He is our strength that we cannot save ourselves, or make ourselves holy. oh, ive thought about this before, but i never really lived it out. but God wants to strip it all away till it's just you and Him alone. no promise of the future or wotever, just you and God. how cool is that? He wants to meet you in that sort of intimacy.

i guess i don't love people much these days. in some sense. it's not that i sulk alot or anything, it's just that i doubt alot, and am cynical and skeptical about how deep people's relationships are with one another. in fact, if you know abit of my history, you'll know the phase of apathy i went through to protect myself. it takes no muscles to smile, that was my tagline, an the perfect defence to not get hurt. even while earlier this year, i started yielding to God that hey, i do need people around me, that spirit of apathy had also been growing somewhat. i guess when it came to the crunch, it was hard to really feel for the communities. though i wished everyone had the relationship with God, i think ive still been too apathetic, and i think God's slowing dealing with that. maybe i feel that way because i wasn't sobbing, but really.. i think deep down, there is so much more room i could leave for others.

another thing about breakthrough, is that this is the first steps into breakthrough. breakthrough isn't just a moment, it's also a process whereby God deals with many parts of yourself. perhaps soon, people will start hating me, or telling me what ive been doing wrong in my life. scary i spose, yeah.. it's scary. the thing is, i don't change for people, i change for God, it's not that i won't listen to you, but im always careful about where things are coming from.

but muresk was awesome indeed, i just feel God so near now, and he has given me some inspirations, we caught up with each other during worship, and i just let go to Him, because he is the creator of the universe and beyond, he's my precious Saviour that chose me out. do you remember, or realise wot a privillege it is to be saved? oh, but we are a stubborn and stiff-necked people sometimes. and we're so petty sometimes, even to our Christian brothers and sisters. when i hear of division, it breaks my heart.. because the church shouldn't be fighting within itself. we are of One body, many parts.

it's always cool to have God near. he reveals things we wouldn't expect. during one particularly heavy part, i started singing "in the presence of a Holy God", and then suddenly the worship leader led us into that song. i know my chord progressions, there were a tonne of other songs that could have been chosen. and during one particular instance, whilst i was kneeling, i just felt this cold, drenching sensation like it was raining in the building.. and the worship leader again chose a song with the lyrics " rain down on me, rain down on me". it engulfed me, and i just knew he was in the room. throughout camp, i have been praying things like Holy Spirit fill us, in our veins, let us breathe You in, open our eyes ears and skin, permeate our pores, surge like a wave, release from our pores.. because the impression is that we as Christians should have that. we should have the Spirit within us, and coming out of us to touch the rest of the world. even now, i still feel its heat radiating out from my physical body.

how real is God to you today? is this your reality, or is it only a dream? and how much are you willing to depend on God. we're not very holy people, neither are we always in the best shape, but God says to depend on Him. that's all we need sometimes. it's still breakthrough, like a process, and i'm just trying to walk toward or into the light. we were meant to shine, especially in the hour of darkness right now. i wish there was more to write, but i'm in a total disarray right now. my only wish is that, you who reads this be inspired by something God inspired, to His glory forevermore.

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