y'know all that despairty about getting a car, settling into churches and searching the will of God. i can't claim to know it all yet, but taking one step closer is wonderful. i see now the importance of me being in a cell. i dunno how to explain, it was so cool to just hang out after cell and have fellowship. it actually reminded me of those days with being with church friends back in spore. and i could be myself, not put on airs, not a mask of holliness, not feel inadequate or lacking. because all are made righteous in Christ and not our own strength. i spose that sort of truth has allowed me, to just do wot needs to be done.
and the constant worry about getting a car. getting the right one. wot is the right one? haha, another story. but yeah, i was trying to reconcile the notion of owning an aestheticly pleasing car, and a practical car. the ford capri i found is in really good condition. low mileage, runs well and just looks too cool. and really, it wasn't any superior logic that convinced me to ask my dad permission to get this car. it wasn't praying and praying and praying, and some divine verse popped out. i did pray, i'd say i struggled to pray too, cuz i didnt really know the difference between wot God wanted, and wot i wanted. in the end, it was during cell time when we were supposed to sacrifice our Issacs' to God, things that might prevent us from worshipping him. it wasn't a materialistic spirit that was opposing me. it was more a doubting spirit, a faithless spirit and a lack of confidence in spiritual discernment. wot was revealed to me that night was do not doubt wot the Lord has provided. amen, he provided an awesome cell, for support, companionship, fellowship, humilty and edification. i also dare say he provided me with a car i can say i wanted. am i happy? yes. because i got the present that i wanted? yes. but its not because im having it my way. i think if you look deeper than the surface, i wanna let you know, there's a certain surrender, to transform your wants into His wants. thanks for listening to this journey -)
but yeah, i'm still drawn to melancholy (^_^)
there's no secret to living
just keep on walking
there's no secret to dying
just keep on flying
i'm gonna die in a place that don't know my name..
i'm gonna die in a space that don't hold my pain
- lonely souls, unkle
Saturday, May 8, 2004