Sunday, May 9, 2004

the room with a view
sad, angelfire has pulled the plug on our pictures. i wonder how it works, if there's a way to bypass the system. (other than the obvious choice of looking for another server - but we're just poor bloggers.) so i apologise for the way the blog's flooded with words, apparently it has long since been the server's policy to not allow remote hosting. this is really sucks for those of us without our own bandwidth.

oh kay, enough bitching about the random things in life that seem to kick you in the nuts for no reason. haha, but i'll say it daymn well hurts. i think im paranoid, but i think the heart i laid on the railroad is about to be squished. but i am indestructable and immortal aren't i not? pushing the boundaries of all known pain. but no, i think in reality i can't thrive on the hurt all the time, i should not. i don't want to give up bits of myself here and there, only to become a hollow shell at the end of it. i don't want to always get thru the pain by apathy, because you just don't feel, and you don't exist. if you're gonna take the heat, you might as well just grin and bear it, because its not worth the trouble of an argument (blur, bad egg)

i hurt myself today
to see if i still feel
i focused on the pain
the only thing that's real

what have i become
my sweetest friend
everyone i know
goes away in the the end
- trent reznor

haha, but at the end of it all, i reckon in order not to give up those bits of yourself, or withdraw, or just smile sanguinely saying everything is fine.. a real working of the heart comes through the forgiveness in your heart. where there is no capacity to, God will give you that capacity, and he will extend those arms of yours needed to love and forgive those around you. even if you fall yourself. oh kay, but you heard it here first, my train is coming. i choose to live.

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